Posts Tagged newbie bondage

Bondage Positions for Spanking

A couple days ago, My Bottom Smarts posted a list of the Top 20 Spanking Positions (and hat tip to Spanky for pointing me to it). Bonnie, the author, provides a description of each position as well as some pointers about pros and cons. It is a good list and an entertaining read, and it inspired me to consider the various spanking positions that we’ve used here at our place.

Now, my first, faltering steps down the path of BDSM came in the arena of bondage, and that’s still an area of considerable interest for both Joy and I. When Joy’s rear end needs a paddling, we often incorporate bondage into the experience to help heighten the sense of submission. Nothing ramps up the energy in a good spanking more than having one’s hands bound out of the way, so that they may not be interposed between paddle and tender bottom!

With that idea in mind, I thought it might make sense to create a list that combines both bondage and spanking—a sort of two-for-one special. However, as you may have picked up from previous posts, when it comes to bondage I tend to focus on the practical rather than the fancy and esoteric, so I by no means claim that my effort covers every possibility. There are many other options than those I’m going to discuss, I’m sure! The positions I have detailed below, however, are simple, sensible and useful, and Joy and I have found ourselves employing all of them at one time or another. With that understanding, following please find a brief examination of basic, practical bondage positions for spanking:

  1. Over the Knee, Hands Cuffed Behind the Back – Known by the acronym OTK, the classic Over The Knee spanking position is highly useful and highly erotic as well, especially if the spanking recipient’s hands are cuffed behind their back. Binding their hands removes their ability to use them for support and balance, so it’s best to take them over your knee somewhere that they will have plenty of built-in support–perhaps laying flat over your lap along the edge of a bed, for instance. While it’s true that, being cuffed behind them, the spank-ee’s hands remain in the vicinity of their hindquarters and could theoretically interfere in the spanking, in reality the spanker can easily hold them out of the way if necessary. From a psychological perspective, it’s more important that the partner being spanked does not have their hands to help them stand up, which greatly encourages a delicious sense of being in the spanker’s control.

    A couple added benefits of this position include that it is comfortable for both the spanker and the spank-ee (well…aside from the fact of the spanking itself, of course), and that the only required equpiment is a single pair of cuffs and a snap hook (in a pinch, an old necktie could substitute) to bind the wrists. Because of the close quarters, a short-handled spanking implement such as a hairbrush or paddle or the use of one’s bare hand is recommended. This is actually the favorite bondage spanking position here at Jake and Joy’s house.

  2. Leapfrog Position, Wrists Cuffed to Ankles – The leapfrog position is accomplished by placing the spanking recipient on hands and knees at the edge of a bed or on the floor, then drawing each wrist back between their legs and cuffing it to the corresponding ankle, left to left and right to right. Doing so places the bound partner’s body in a natural triangle, with their rear end in the air, ripe and ready for a paddle. The angle is excellent, and any sort of spanking implement from bare hand to belt to switch will work nicely. The only required equipment is a set of wrist and ankle cuffs, as well as snap hooks to connect them.

    The leapfrog position encourages a great feeling of helplessness, and because their hands are bound to their ankles, the spank-ee really cannot do anything to prevent the vigorous reddening of their rear end. However, remaining in this position can cause discomfort in a relatively short time, particularly in the neck and shoulders, so be considerate of your partner and keep the spanking relatively brief.

    Of course, another nice benefit is the ability to transition virtually immediately from flagellation to penetration, if this is your desire.

  3. Simple Ball Tie – This position is somewhat non-intuitive, but effective nonetheless. Lay your partner on their back and press their knees against their chest. Pull their arms around their legs and cuff them behind their knees, so that their body forms a ball. This effectively immobilizes your partner, and in a position in which their bottom remains highly exposed and vulnerable for spanking.

    Though any type of implement presents a viable spanking option with the ball-tie position, care must be taken to avoid missing one’s target and hitting other tender portions of the spank-ee’s anatomy (unless, of course, you actually intend to target those tender portions).

    The spanking recipient’s legs form a convenient handle with which to position their body for greater accuracy. Though the position is simple once you picture it in your mind, it feels quite severe to the bound party, as they have little ability to move, beyond rolling onto their side. Therefore, their sense of loss of control can be substantial. The only equipment requirement is a single pair of cuffs, and once again, it’s possible to cease spanking and move directly to intercourse with no change in position required. On the comfort scale, the basic ball tie rates somewhat better than the leapfrog.

    Joy hates this position, but I believe that’s mostly because we have mainly used it when discipline was called for.

  4. Hands Bound Overhead, Standing – Most often associated with whips and flogging, standing positions can work well for spanking also. Binding your partner’s hands to a hook overhead adds substantially to the experience, as once again the hands cannot be lowered to interfere and the bound party feels unable to escape the spanking as they cannot move away. Any type of implement works well for this position, as you can position yourself how you like to make best use of it.

    It’s possible to vary the intimacy of this position substantially based on how you position yourself in relation to your partner. For an impersonal feeling, stand behind them and apply a crop or switch to their bottom. For a more intimate flavor, stand in front of them, embrace, caress and kiss them, and reach around and use your bare hand on their behind.

    Comfort-wise, eventually it gets old having their hands above their head, but other than that, it’s not bad for the bound partner. The downside of this position, of course, is that it requires a hook in the ceiling to attach the cuffs to, and many people don’t have such an arrangement. If you do, however, this makes an excellent and versatile spanking option.

“What?” I can hear you say. “Only four positions?” As I said, I’m certain there are many others (and I can think of a fair number myself). However, these are the four bondage spanking positions that Joy and I really use on a fairly regular basis, which require no particularly specialized equipment, and which I would recommend incorporating into your own spanking repertoire, if they are not already included. None requires serious bondage expertise, and all are quick to set up and place your partner in. If you want to branch out beyond this, by all means do so! But I’d regard these four as the basic bondage spanking position building blocks to start with.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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Appreciate Your Limits

For many of those who live on the Dominant side of the fence, limits have a bad reputation. Limits are, of course, activities that one or the other partner in a BDSM relationship (and frankly, in a vanilla relationship as well) are not comfortable with, fear, or just plain will not do or participate in. Limits can exist around almost any situation or activity, but for illustration purposes a few, potential BDSM-related examples might include:

  • no sharp objects (edgeplay) or activities that draw blood
  • no latex (perhaps due to an allergy)
  • no polyamorous activity (threesomes, swinging, etc.)

While Dominants can and do have limits, because they are the ones to steer the course of a relationship and decide the activities that the two partners engage in together, they can relatively easily avoid transgressing their own limits. The limits of the submissive partner, however, often come between a Dominant and a desired act or situation.

One can easily understand how this might cause frustration. “I want to do this, dammit!” the Dominant might think, “But that limit is in the way!” Because of this, some Dominants disdain limits and regard them as nothing more than an obstacle. “If only my partner didn’t have these limits,” they tell themselves, “then how much fun we could have!” This, however, is precisely the wrong attitude to take. There is nothing that promises more opportunity for fun and excitement within your relationship than discovering a limit within your partner. Limits are where the fun is.

I know perfectly well how counter-intuitive that statement sounds. However, it is true nonetheless. Let’s think about the topic of limits, and I’ll do my best to explain why I believe this to be so.

To begin, consider the statement above: “If only my partner didn’t have these limits, then how much fun we could have!” One way to test the validity of an idea is to take it to an extreme and decide if it remains true. In this case, consider the extreme case of a partner with literally no limits. What would a relationship with that partner be like?

Well, the most obvious thing is that the Dominant could do whatever they wanted to with their partner, and the submissive would willingly participate. Sounds great, right? But what would happen? Well, for one thing, the Dominant would very likely go straight to the places they want to go, skipping all the intermediate steps to get more quickly to their destination. If they were excited by the idea of pony play, for instance, there would be no reason not to go immediately into full regalia, with bit, bridle, tail, harness and a cart to pull all in place the very first time. After all, with no limits, why waste time on half measures? But once this fantasy has been enacted a time or two with no resistance encountered, it begins to lose it’s lustre. It starts to feel a bit “been there, done that”. When that happens, what do you do? Move on to the next fantasy, of course! But eventually, in a few months, perhaps, you and your compliant partner have covered all your fantasies, fully and completely. And at that point, boredom sets in.

You know what though? In our hypothetical scenario, boredom actually arrives much more quickly than that. Why? Because the excitement in a BDSM relationship does not spring so much from the activities that the two partners engage in together as it does from the feeling of Dominance and submission that exists between them. Dominance and submission are what makes the relationship electric! And in the example where the submissive partner has no limits, where exactly can the submission come from? To Dominate someone, one must compel them to do what you want, rather than what they want. In the circumstance where the submissive partner has no limits, then they are fine with whatever. Trying to Dominate them feels kinda like this:

Dom: “Slave, tonight I’m going to give you to the single-tail whip. Pray that it does not devour you with its fire!”

Sub: “Okay, sounds good.”

Dom: “How many lashes do you think you deserve? A dozen? Two dozen? How many do you think you can withstand?!?”

Sub: “Ummm…well, why don’t you just go until your arm gets tired and we’ll see how many that is?”

Obviously this is exaggerated, but hopefully it illustrates the point that Domination isn’t really possible without some sort of resistance, and submission isn’t really possible unless there’s something that the sub is afraid of, or intimidated by, or doesn’t believe they can handle…in other words, unless the submissive has a limit. With all limits removed, the submissive provides no resistance, and the D/s dynamic no longer exists.

When examined from the extreme perspective of a partner with no limits, the statement “If only my partner didn’t have these limits, then how much fun we could have!” proves to be false. In fact, it becomes apparent that the existence of limits underlies all D/s relationships and contributes greatly to the fun and excitement within them. It does so by providing a foundation against which to Dominate the submissive, and by slowing down the progress along the various paths of BDSM so that the couple can appreciate each individual step, rather than rushing headlong down the path to its end.

There are two additional contributions that limits provide, however. First, as they are approached, they trigger a heightened excitement that can release adrenaline within the submissive’s body, greatly increasing the impact of the adventure they are engaged in. The greatest state of arousal one can experience comes when taken just beyond one’s zone of comfort, and it is the limit that establishes the edge of that comfort zone.

Second, because limits mark the far boundaries of the submissive’s comfort zone, they act as signposts to direct the Dominant toward the types of activities that have the highest potential to thrill. A smart Dominant makes note of the limits their submissive partner reveals and then uses them as foils around which to design their scenes and adventures. It is never a good idea to charge headfirst down the path towards a limit, crashing into it at full force. That’s guaranteed to cause casualties. However, it is often a wonderful idea to sidle towards a limit sideways, or move gradually towards it, or circle around it and come up from behind. By doing so, a wise and careful Dominant can leverage the power the limit holds within it to enhance an adventure for both themselves and their submissive partner. And with patience, persistence, and a firm-but-gentle touch, sometimes the limit may be moved…or even overcome.

If you’re interested in reading more about limits, I wrote a series of posts about working with them awhile back. In the meantime, appreciate the limits that exist within your partner. As I said above, they are where the fun is…for both of you.

Enjoy yourself!

Jake

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Mind Games

t1klish started me thinking about this topic the other day, and Conina chimed in with a comment that kept my train of thought circling the track, and eventually I decided to write a post. The topic is “mind games”.

Let’s be honest—mind games have a bad reputation. In the vanilla world, the idea that one should avoid a girlfriend or spouse that plays mind games has become a cliché. “Oh, she was hot, but she kept playing all these mind games,” you might overhear someone say in a bar, and all around the table, the listeners will shake their heads knowingly. More than that, mind games have a connotation of being associated with other negative activities—think brainwashing, Stockholm syndrome and the like. Vanilla society definitely takes a dim view of mind games.

Because of this, when I made my first forays into BDSM, I felt rather uncomfortable with the idea of mind games. In fact, if I stand on my head and look at things sideways, I can still make myself a little uncomfortable. However, when I stand upright and face the idea directly, engaging my logical mind rather than emotional perceptions left over from younger days, I realize that mind games are not only beneficial to a healthy Dominant/submissive relationship, but that they are essential.

In fact, the power exchange within the minds of the participants is the highest and most important part of a D/s relationship. Consider what happens if you remove the mental aspect of things. What remains? The only thing left is physical compulsion—in other words, the use of physical force by the Dominant to compel the submissive to obey them.

That’s no longer consensual BDSM, no longer legal, and no longer desirable by the submissive at least, and very probably by the Dominant either. Consensual BDSM requires a mental aspect for it to exist in the first place.

The consensuality is a key element to this discussion. Both parties, the Dominant and the submissive, want to participate in their D/s relationship. The Dominant wishes to feel their partner submit to them, and the submissive desires to feel Dominated. Actions and ideas that support this dynamic are not just wanted, but are craved, and relished when they are provided.

While physical activities such as bondage can support this dynamic, they provide far more benefit on the mental side of the relationship than they ever do in their physical reality. Even the strongest pair of handcuffs or the most elaborate suspension rig can be escaped within the world of consensual BDSM simply by the bound partner asking to be freed. (Yes, sometimes this might require the use of a safe word, but that’s just a different way of asking.) Therefore, in physical reality the power of these bonds is very limited. But in the mental realm, the idea of being shackled or hanging in the air carries great power—it feeds the illusion of helplessness that the submissive partner desires, giving it greater life. Viewed from this perspective, even highly physical activities such as bondage are a form of mind game.

Once the need for some level of mental Dominance/submission is accepted, it is but a short step to the realization that increasing the mind’s perception of control increases the intensity of the D/s experience. Therefore, techniques that heighten the Dominant’s “feeling” of being powerful or the submissive’s “feeling” of being overpowered become desirable. Once again, these may involve physical props or actions—a spanking using a paddle, for instance. As before, however, the primary power of the actions exists in the mind–the submissive partner can choose to call a halt to the paddling at any time, but instead, they prefer to feel that they must endure, and perhaps even that they are powerless to stop it.

Despite the fact that most of their power lies in the mental sphere, physical activities such as spanking don’t seem to carry quite the same stigma as techniques that have no physicality. Oh, sure, the vanilla world views spanking as kinky, but not positively evil. It is the non-physical types of activities that typically get classified as true mind games, and carry the severe, negative connotation. Nonetheless, these non-physical techniques play an important role in BDSM, and the Dominant/submissive community is replete with examples. Here are three to serve as a quick illustration:

  • Repetition of a rule, a coda or a phrase – By frequently repeating a phrase or stating an idea, one reinforces it in one’s mind. Do it often enough (so the story goes) and one will start to believe it. Outside of TTWD, this technique has been used for sinister purposes (think brainwashing) as well as for benevolent ones (“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”). It is frequently used within the context of BDSM as well, where it is often employed as a sort of ritual. For instance, during a scene I always ask Joy the question, “Who do you belong to?” She answers, “To you.” This reinforces an idea that we both wish to be true, and to an extent, allows it to become true for us.
  • Asking for permission – Requiring the submissive to ask for the Dominant’s permission before performing one of more defined acts supports the hierarchy within the relationship. Essentially it instills the feeling that control belongs to the Dominant partner. Possible examples include such things as, “May I go to the bathroom?”, “May I come to bed?”, and “May I take you in my mouth?” Selection of basic tasks that normally require no permission (such as using the bathroom) strengthens the perception.
  • The use of an honorific and/or diminutive – In many D/s relationships, the Dominant requires the submissive to address them with a title—an honorific–rather than by name. At the same time, the submissive is referred to by some sort of nickname—a diminutive. The purpose is once again to reinforce the idea that the Top has a higher place than the bottom, receives respect from the bottom, and controls even the name that the bottom must use. Examples of this are myriad, but include “Master/Mistress” or “Sir/Ma’am” for the Dominant, and “girl/boy” or “slave” for the submissive. In fact, even the convention of using an upper case “D” when typing Dominant and a lower case “s” for submissive is an example of this phenomena.

These are examples in which mind games don’t deserve their bad reputation. Within the bounds of BDSM, they serve a benevolent purpose by increasing the feeling of power/subservience that both members of a D/s relationship desire. In fact, in most cases, both partners recognize exactly what they are doing when they mutually engage in playing mind games such as these, and actively desire the outcome they produce. I can tell you that Joy, who is smart as a whip, knows very well when I use one of these techniques, and while she could call me on it, she chooses not to, because she wants to experience the feelings they create within her.

Just as with any other tool, mind games can be misused for destructive purposes in BDSM–the same knife that dices the garlic in your dinner tonight can just as easily slice your finger if it’s not used properly. It is important for the Dominant, the chief employer of these techniques, to use them constructively and for the betterment of the relationship and their partner. Though these waters can be somewhat tricky to navigate (after all—part of the goal is to help the submissive partner to give up independence and control to the Dominant, and it can be somewhat hard to equate this with traditional definitions of betterment), if one keeps one’s partner’s best interest at heart and acts to nurture and protect them, one should not go too far wrong.

So, in the realm of BDSM anyway, don’t look down on mind games. They are a legitimate tool, play an essential role, and should be celebrated rather than despised.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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Oral Submission

One of the things I most like to do during a scene is to make Joy submit to me orally.

No, not that kind of orally–though, come to think of it, that’s also one of my favorite things to do. But what I mean it that I like to require her to use words to express her submission.

We learn to use language from infancy, and by the time we reach adulthood, it has become deeply embedded in our minds. In fact, most (all?) people carry on a running, inner monologue in their heads as they think, expressing their thoughts and feelings in words within their the confines of their head. Many of these words never exit that inner monologue–the brain chooses to censor them before they can be uttered. This process, carried on behind the opaque walls of our mind, allows us to think all kinds of things that we don’t care to admit, including those things that in the light of day we would call “unthinkable”. Because they exist only in the privacy of our minds, we retain deniability and feel safe, even if sometimes a bit guilty. Even that guilt can be assuaged, however, by telling ourselves that we are only thinking to ourselves, nothing more.

When words escape that inner monologue and exit via the tongue to open air and the ears of another, however, we lose that deniability. Instead, by virtue of those words, we admit our thoughts to both the listener and, more importantly, to ourselves. In fact, we are forced to acknowledge thoughts that we might have hidden from, and confront ideas or fantasies that may trigger our sense of fear or shame. In a sense, our spoken words make our inner thoughts more real.

In a BDSM context, this idea carries much importance and can be used in a varitey of ways. For instance, many people hold unspoken fantasies within them that they feel afraid of or ashamed to admit. Being required to speak those fantasies aloud can help overcome these negative feelings, and can help fuel the desire to make the fantasy real. If you can say it, many times you can do it.

“Joy?”

“What…?”

“Joy, you want to be made to lick another woman’s pussy, don’t you? … Don’t you?”

“…yes…”

“Tell me. Tell me what you want!”

“…I want to lick another woman’s pussy….”

“No, that’s not it. Tell me what you want!”

“…I want to be made to lick another woman’s pussy…oh my God, I do…”

This effect can be so powerful that sometimes just saying something can make it so, even if it was not necessarily so before you said it.

“Joy, do you want me to spank you tonight?”

“Yes…”

“Do you want me to spank you with the crop? The one that bites?”

“…if you want to…”

“No, answer me. Do you want me to spank you with the crop?”

“…yes…”

“Tell me what you want.”

“…I want you to spank me with the crop…”

Expressing something in words repeatedly can also act as a reinforcement, strengthening an idea, adding reality to it bit by bit.

Joy, who do you belong to?”

“You.”

“These pretty lips…who do they belong to?”

“To you.”

“And these pretty lips–who do they belong to?”

“You.”

And finally, there’s the idea of adding an extra level of submission by requiring your partner to request something that they aren’t very sure that they want in the first place…

“Joy, shall I spank you a little harder? Wouldn’t that be fun?”

“…”

“Joy, wouldn’t you like me to spank you harder? Ask me to spank you harder.”

“…ummm…”

“Ask me to spank you harder.”

“Would…you spank me harder…?”

“Of course, my dear, since you ask.”

All of these are examples of the spoken word’s ability to embody thought and imbue it with power. In some cases, that power can be leveraged to overcome limits or travel down an unexplored path. In others, it can be used to heighten Dominance and increase the feeling of submission. But in each case, the words take what existed first in the imagination and help to make it real.

The first kind of oral submission can be great fun–I’ll be the first one to admit that. But you know what? This other kind…the verbal kind…it can be just as much fun if you use it right.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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Will Your Wife/Friend/Significant Other Give Bondage a Try?

I just posted Step Two in my series on Introducing Bondage into Your Relationship.  Take a look if you’re interested!

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