Posts Tagged joy

Uneasy Anticipation

Guest Post by Joy

It has been more than six months since I have written a post for Jake–the last one was right about the end of the year. Jake likes to know what is on my mind but, frankly, I still have difficulty with sharing what I’m thinking. We are (or at least I am) still in the whispering-in-the-dark stage.

My New Year’s Resolutions, if you remember them, quickly fell by the wayside. The first one I let go was to keep up with Jake’s blog on a regular basis. Something about having strangers peek into things that I have a hard time looking directly at myself, in spite of my immediate involvement, scared me off. I tend to be extremely private even in mundane matters, and the things he writes about are definitely not mundane.

In fact, I have learned that the less we speak of things, the more adventurous I am able to become. Nothing puts me off like Jake wanting to talk about the things we do in the bedroom or the playroom out in the open, in the kitchen or while I’m out in the garden. I do NOT want to discuss paddles or dildos while trying to braise the Brussels sprouts for dinner. I can give on-scene evaluations quite easily, but I do not want to be involved in the planning.

An experiment that I read about during my undergraduate studies has come to mind repeatedly over the past few weeks or months, and I needed to share it with Jake as a way to help explain at least one thing that affects my willingness to try new things. It has to do with anticipation. The experiment was done years ago on monkeys, and I think it would be considered too cruel to do today. I am sure that there are those out there who will be familiar with the experiment and be able to point out my inaccuracies. I am only relying on memory and trying to explain what meaning I took from the experiment.

From what I remember, one monkey was placed in a cage with a bottom that would shock its feet unless it pressed a button. If it pushed the button, it would delay the shock for a minute. It had to keep pushing the button over and over again to delay the shock. The other monkey was placed in a cage with a bottom that would shock its feet at random intervals for absolutely no reason at all. One monkey could control the shocks, and one was at the mercy of the cage bottom. It was my expectation as a young student that the monkey with no control would feel far more stress than the other, because it could never know when the next shock was coming and could do nothing to prevent it. But it turned out the exact opposite was true. The stress the first monkey felt because of having to push the button to prevent the shock was so strong that it died. The second monkey, the one that had no control, survived.

I agree with Jake that anticipation is often exciting, but for me it’s exciting only when the thing I am anticipating is already well known, tried and true. When it comes to anticipating new things, there is always a possibility that I might be excited but in reality I am much more often scared. In spite of what some might think of submissives (or maybe that’s just me), I am worthless when I am afraid. Scenarios involving candle wax drippings and a Wartenberg wheel spring immediately to mind. Had either of them been sprung on me completely by surprise, without letting me anticipate them, those scenes might not have ended in shambles.

As Jake has said, I am far more receptive and experimental when I am excited. Something that was too large to insert becomes just the right size, or the nipple clamps that used to hurt become accepted or even needed. So to Jake: bring it on. Just, please, make sure I’m warmed up first and don’t tell me what it is in advance!

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Book Review: Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham

Guest post by Joy

When Jake gave me a copy of “Conquer Me” by Kacie Cunningham for Christmas, I thought it was some sort of instructional manual. I was a bit put off by that. Then he told me that he had read it first and thought I would really like it. In fact, I enjoyed reading this book much more than I expected to. I guess that I expected a step-by-step guide to suppressing myself, but that is not at all what I got. Ms. Cunningham’s book is a well-written and informative book about embracing one’s submissive desires and discovering how to have them fulfilled.

As a ‘newbie’ I was almost hoping for more technical instruction; specific details, tips or even acts that would suddenly transform me into a ‘true’ submissive. Though Ms. Cunningham’s book gives enough tidbits here and there to convince me that she is the ‘real deal’, she is short on specific examples. (I guess that would have been a little too personal – I can relate.) What she does strongly advocate throughout the book is communication, communication, communication.

The chapter about ‘abuse’ versus ‘dominance’ really spoke to me. For example: if I were to confess to my sister that Jake spanks me every night, I can count on a reaction anywhere from agape shock to a call to the police, on my behalf of course.

I also learned a lot from Ms. Cunningham’s explanation of her take on the two main types of submission. Jake and I agree that I seem to fit her definition of an ‘obedience-oriented submissive’ rather than the ‘service-oriented submissive’. I do usually find it much easier to obey a request than to come up with something on my own.

Her chapters about relationship-strengthening for Dominants and submissives, “Lead From the Front” and “On Your Own Two Knees” (respectively) are very well written and make absolute sense, at least to me. Both chapters encourage the participants (both equally) to uphold their end of the relationship with commitment regardless of the level shown by the other. It only follows that then both will grow.

That isn’t to say that I am on board with everything that Ms. Cunningham had to offer. For example, I did give a shot at calling Jake “Master” one evening. I surprised him with it one night, and got it out with a straight face, but since I forgot to keep my eyes cast demurely and submissively downward, I got a good look at the puzzled expression on Jake’s face. I immediately collapsed into giggles, while he pretended not to notice. I don’t think ‘Master’ is going to work for us. I also know too much about dirt and germs to ever lick Jake’s boots unless they just came out of the ‘new’ box. He knows too much about dirt and germs to ask. There are just some things I absolutely cannot do. I think. Ms. Cunningham realizes that everyone has different expectations or limits, and just encourages her reader to know herself (or himself).

But by far the most valuable lesson that I brought away from this book was this: I am not alone in wishing for a strong dominant husband (or partner, master or whatever you wish to call yours). This realization is comforting, that there are real women who feel the same submissive desires that I do, not just porn actresses and fictional characters. Like Ms. Cunningham, I have long felt that I had ‘different’ interests when it came to sex and relationships, though I really wasn’t quite sure how. I certainly did not have the tools or even the vocabulary to go exploring. I just knew which scenes in the ‘literature’ I read that really piqued my interest. I also did not have anyone to trust to take me exploring, until Jake.

Jake here–just wanted to tip the hat to Sir J for pointing me to this book in the first place. If you’d like a Dominant’s thoughts on the book, take a look at what he has to say.

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Joy’s New Years Resolutions

Guest post by Joy

This year I am not going to make the same resolutions that I have in the past. I resolve to make new resolutions; hopefully the sort that do not fall by the wayside within a few months or weeks (or just after midnight as a few have done).

I want to make resolutions that I am strongly motivated to keep. In the past few weeks, I have seen a great strengthening and deepening in what I thought was already a great relationship with Jake, and I want to make resolutions that will help me see just how far we can take this. So here goes …

  1. I resolve to show more trust in Jake. When he asks something of me, I resolve to think before I say ‘no’ if indeed that is my first reaction. My trust in him has not been misplaced thus far, so there is no reason to stop trusting him now.
  2. I resolve to be more communicative with Jake. If I have to request that we turn off the lights and ask Jake to press his ear to my lips because all I can do is whisper haltingly in unfamiliar words; if that is what I have to do to voice my desires that is what I will do.
  3. I resolve to try every toy Jake springs on me. If I am feeling timid, I will simply ask for a blindfold. As with trust, Jake has not yet done wrong by me in this category and I can only benefit by allowing him to lead.
  4. I resolve to try to embrace my ‘submissive self’ (I believe that is the right term) and let her show herself more. By that, I mean that I resolve to resist the ingrained notion that showing dependence, need or the willingness to obey is an indicator of weakness. I struggle with it, but I am learning, slowly but surely (at least so far) that it is actually an opportunity for growth both for me as an individual and for my relationship with Jake.
  5. I resolve to read Jake’s blog on a regular basis. Believe it or not, I do not keep up with it. I have found it too personal and a bit embarrassing in the past, but now I also see it as a portal into my husband’s mind. He truly is very inventive; I am blessed to have somehow found in my husband the sort of lover that many women only find in ‘romance novels’ or erotica.

That is my list. I know that it is only five things and not particularly ‘sexy’ at that, but perhaps I can write a more exciting list of resolutions next year. These are actually five huge resolutions for me. A few weeks ago I thought I knew everything, but now I am finding that I am just a baby. What a way to begin the New Year.


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About Last Night…

Guest post by Joy

I had a bit of a surprise last night; one that is still deliciously on my mind for some strange reason. I am still mulling it over in my head now and my hands are trembling as I write this.

Jake and I have been going back and forth for a few months now about ‘submission’. In my estimation, I have submitted to him time and time again. Thanks to his wonderful imagination it is never a chore to follow his lead. It really is usually all about me, so I have happily submitted to his suggestions and felt that he was completely happy, too.

Yesterday morning, Jake told me that he was going to spank me after dark. He left me all day to think about it and prepare myself, both mentally and physically. He has spanked me before and I have willingly yielded. To tell the truth, I was really looking forward to it and the day just seemed to drag on interminably. I could not wait for dark.

Whether Jake uses his hand, the paddle, or his leather belt, it is all good playful fun; just a bit of kinky foreplay that we both enjoy. The only instrument that Jake has in his toy chest that I would rather shy away from is the crop: I don’t care for how that thing stings. Fortunately, Jake understands and only breaks it out now and then for a couple of swats. It does make a nice sound.

Last night was different. As usual, he made a general suggestion about what I should wear: this time, a baby doll with a skirt to flip up. Of course I knew why. He also left my cuffs and collar out; the cute black leather ones with the red hearts. When it came time to make my way down the hall to the playroom, I was eager and my bottom was already tingly with anticipation.

I didn’t even mind when Jake put the straps around my thighs so that he could secure the cuffs on my wrists to them. He had thoughtfully brought the large pillows from our bed for me to lie across, face down, which I did. He flipped up my skirt and kissed and caressed and licked until I was absolutely moaning. He slid one of my larger anal vibrators up my ass and I was ready for my spanking foreplay.

So Jake smacked me with his hand, not as hard as he could I am sure, but harder than ever before. He hadn’t even put a gag in my mouth, and I couldn’t help but gasp and rear up as far as I could given the cuffs and straps. This time Jake did not ask me if I was ready, as he usually does. He steadily smacked my bottom, one side and then the other. He only stopped to tell me that tonight it was up to him to decide when he was going to stop; not me. He didn’t even count and I couldn’t.

When he finally stopped and I could catch my breath, he told me that his hand was tired and he was going to get something else to spank me with: what would I like? Surprised, I just answered “anything but the crop”.

Face down and ass in the air (no longer pink, but red by now, I am sure), I heard him open the toy chest and move things around. By the time my mind could register the whistle in the air, the crop smacked down on my right cheek. Oh how it stung!

I don’t know how many times Jake smacked me with that hateful crop, but I do know that it was past the tingly level and well into the realm “that really hurts”. Jake seemed to sense my “please stop” point, and slid his cock into me from behind as he kneaded my ass. Then he flipped me over, removed the vibrator and gave me the absolutely best anal sex of my life. When I was spent and rolled to my side, Jake smacked my sore rear with his palm again; four times, but who’s counting.

Afterwards, after the cuddling and Jake’s attention to my sore parts, he asked me if everything was okay. I told him that I had not liked the crop. He asked me why, and I told him “because it stings”.

Jake said that he knew I did not like the crop, so I asked him why he had used it. He responded “because it stings”.

I understand that I need to do things that are out of my comfort zone. In order to truly submit to Jake, I need to submit to his desires whether they are completely in line with mine or not. I want to because I love him. I can because I trust him. Anyway, for some reason that I can’t quite yet identify, the spanking met some need in me and that felt really, really good.

Jake did not really hurt me last night. He definitely surprised me and he taught me something new; that submitting to him is truly a turn on. I lay awake in bed last night for hours, not just because my bottom burned, but because I wanted more. I woke early and have wanted him ever since. Every time I sit down, I have reason to vividly remember last night.

I’ve already let Jake know that not only was last night okay, but I would like some more, please. He has already let me know that I just might get spanked again tonight. So here I am again, waiting for the sun to go down.

Jake, with an quick remark: I’ve written several posts about working on reaching a deeper level of submission. Based on the above commentary, which Joy surprised me with this afternoon, it appears that we’re making progress!

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Joy’s Christmas List

Well, like Jake says, we do not always strive to make Santa’s good list. Now that we are all grown up, we’re onto that scheme anyway.

Jake covered most of the bigger items, though I must says that some of the pieces mentioned on his list brought a blush to my face. I’m afraid I’m not quite as daring as he is, and his imagination is much more vivid than mine in some situations. Nevertheless, I am able to add a few things I hope find their way under our tree that it seems he forgot to mention:

  1. An entire case of Hot Pants Flower Balm. I love this stuff and absolutely fear running out of it. I am hoping that we might even get a discount for ordering in bulk. If you honestly haven’t tried this yet, what the heck are you waiting for? This will absolutely be your sweetie’s favorite present ever (or yours). Try it; you will be hooked and I will accept your thank-you note with only a whispered “I told you so”.
  2. Touche Bonda Dea Anal beads: With all of the time that Jake spends paying me homage from behind, you would think that we had a collection of these, but really we tend to use body parts or battery-operated gadgets for that. Actually, I may have a rope or two of anal beads somewhere, but I am pretty sure that they never even made it out of the package. They just look like so much fun in all of those videos. I am pretty sure that if we figure out how to use them right, things could get explosive. But just in case we can’t find them, these look like so much fun! Who doesn’t like a little Italian in their life?
  3. Wild-G G-spot and Clitoral Vibrator: Jake and I already have a rabbit vibrator and I like it very much! I would like a second one for my nightstand so that I don’t have to trek all the way down to the playroom on those evenings when Jake is out late. This model looks more advanced than the one we already own, plus it’s purple!
  4. I would love, love, love another Portrait Open Tip Bra or two just like my black one from Love Fifi. This is the best-made piece of ‘novelty’ lingerie I own. It is nice to be so perky and well-supported, yet so exposed. I would like a red one to match a delicious pair of red crotchless panties I also bought from Love Fifi, as well as a very innocent white one. They make such a nice frame for my breasts.
  5. Batteries of all sizes: AA, AAA, and definitely D. Every Christmas wish list needs something practical on it, and really, we run through batteries like they are going out of style. Call these the ‘socks’ of our naughty list.
  6. I would love a nice bottle of Muscato wine. I realize that this is really sort of out of the category here, but it is my favorite and I put it on every single wish list I can. If Jake (or Santa) were to put a bottle or two under the tree trust me, I would reward him very well.

If I come across any other “items of interest” before the big day arrives, I’ll add them to my list. But in the meantime, everyone, happy holidays!


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