Posts Tagged joy

Another Step on the Journey

Guest Post by Joy

I know it has been a long time since I have written. The past few months have marked some major milestones for Jake and I, but the growth has brought a certain amount of pain, and not all of the good sort.

Around the beginning of the year, we set out on a course of nightly maintenance spankings, and they went fairly well, at least at first. Then the novelty wore off and I could not bear them anymore. Jake bought me arnica gel, which may or may not have helped with the bruising (it’s not like I could see back there), but it left my skin hard and dry. I felt sore and ugly, and things began to fall apart. Not only did I rebel against the nightly spankings, but against anything submissive, and things stopped altogether. There were no nightly romps in the playroom.

Jake was miserable, and frankly, so was I.

After several months, when I could finally admit that infrequent vanilla sex wasn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life, Jake suggested that we might benefit from putting together a contract. We’ve never had a contract before, and thought it didn’t seem like it would matter, the idea was exciting all by itself. He wrote a draft, which I reviewed and suggested a few changes to, and then we signed a final version complete with limits, rules and consequences if rules were broken.

That contract lasted only a couple of weeks before I changed my mind yet again. It wasn’t enough. There was a clause in the contract that allowed me to opt out, and I took it.
Within days, the old frustration surfaced again: the frustration of not knowing what Jake wanted, what I wanted, the inability to articulate desires, and the frustration of just wasting time that we will never recover. And for both of us, the inability to ascertain just exactly what it was that the other wanted.

” Jake”, I whispered one night in one of our many, many conversations, “I can’t do this. I don’t even know what it means to be submissive. What is it that you want me to do?”
Finally, FINALLY, Jake said “When I want to do something in the bedroom … anything, don’t ask yourself if you want to do it. Don’t think about whether or not you will do it–that’s not even a question. Just tell yourself that you must do it. You have no choice.” For me, a light bulb finally went off.

At Jake’s suggestion, but with my agreement, we removed the opt-out clause from the contract. Jake spanked me that night (and more), and we are proceeding onward. We have tried some new things…things that I drew the line at before, but found that they were enjoyable after all, or at least immensely satisfying.

I think I get it now. I am relaxing. I don’t have to be ashamed to be willing to do something my mother (or friends, or anyone for that matter) might disapprove of. I cannot fight with my own demons, who tell me what a normal sexual relationship should or should not be. I have a contract. I have no choice. And wow … contrary to what you might think, it is so freeing. I feel liberated, given permission, or perhaps given an order (or at the very least ‘my papers’) to resume a journey that Jake and I began a few years ago.

As with any journey, I just cannot keep asking “Are we there yet?” I just need to relax and enjoy the trip. I will know if and when we get there.

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Tough Choices

Guest post by Joy

From time to time, Jake proposes a little ‘game’ of sorts. He sets me a daytime ‘task’, something for me to do on those days I have off work, something to capture and hold my attention on him and make us both eagerly look forward to the evening ahead. It makes him feel in charge to do such things, and really submitting to what he asks isn’t so bad. In fact, once I get over my inhibition, it’s usually rather exciting.

There is one game, however, that I really have difficulty with, and wonder how some of his fellow bloggers deal with this sort of thing. Not the dominants of course – I think I already know your response.

Lately, he has asked me to find and view online videos of spanking. Then, he would like for me to choose a implement to be spanked with that evening, and he will happily oblige.

I can watch the videos. Unfortunately most of them look fake to me- light taps on the bottom accompanied by insincere begging and howling. Really? When I find one that is more realistic, it can be more entertaining.

But where I get caught up and absolutely tongue tied is making the choice about what to be spanked with afterwards. I cannot do it. I’m not trying to be coy with Jake when I tell him I cannot coax a choice out of my mouth. I truly cannot choose. Nor will I spit out the name of something just to do so.

To me, presenting myself for spanking is a true submission. It is something that I let Jake do to me because he enjoys it and because I feel safe in his hands.  

And, though it is hard for me to admit, because it excites me.  

Really, considering everything that he does to make sure that my needs are taken care of, it is such a small thing. I am happy to do something in return, but I cannot take ownership and choose the tool. I cannot even just spit out a word thoughtlessly. I feel that the choice should be made with sincerity, but I cannot do it.

I feel that Jake should choose, and if he picks something I don’t like or am afraid of (for isn’t that the purpose anyway?), then it is up to me to submit to his choice.

So I have offered this to Jake: write the names of your spanking toys on paper; the belt, the paddle, the slapper, the floggers and even that nasty crop. Put the papers into a bowl and I will draw one out. There will be his answer. If he wants to stack the deck in favor of one spanking implement or another on any given night, that is his business.

My choice is to submit.

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Why Do I Do This?

Guest Post by Joy

Why do I do this?

It’s a question I ask myself night after night, waiting on Jake to answer those last few emails from work, finish his nightly chores, or complete his playroom preparations. All the while, I sit and wait; wait to see what he has in store this night (because it is his choice, not mine), tingly with anticipation but faking indifference … when I can.

Why do I do this?

Why do I do things with my husband after dark that I dare not share, even at the most loose-lipped girls’ night out, with my closest friends? I imagine the conversation stopping, the sidelong looks, the giggles of disbelief or worse–offers of a safe haven.

I fight the spankings, in my head. I inwardly cringe at my act of baring my bottom for his hand, either draping myself across his lap for a closer spanking, or across the pillow to allow a longer swing and better aim. But I have only ever used my safe word once during a spanking, and it was because I was afraid, not because I was hurt.

The ginger in my ass (which Jake has figured out how to snugly secure so that it will not escape until he permits it) is just so hot; it burns me and I know that I cannot take it one more second. I want to scream, but my mouth is full. As Jake has come to know my body more and more intimately, my trigger points have become easier and easier for him to find. The struggle between us becomes more and more desperate. He wants me to come and I just want to walk on the edge because if I come, I am done; it makes me so painfully raw that I cannot bear to be touched anywhere … in the few minutes that I can remain awake. And I just don’t want this to end.

So I struggle against his efforts, at least in my mind. And sometimes, when he forgets to secure my thighs, my body fights to close them against him. To me, this has little to do with the dominant/submissive issue – I just cannot help it. I fight the orgasm that will end my evening.

Why do I do this?

Afterwards, when I shake from cold because my own warming energy has completely deserted me, the blanket Jake brings me is never big enough or warm enough. His chest is warm and his arms are strong, but I am leaden and bereft of energy and only half awake. I need his help getting back to my warm bed and the electric blanket; not because I am hurt, but because I am so spent.

Then, I don’t even have time to wonder “Why do I do this?” before I am asleep. But the next morning, sore or not, I just can’t wait to see what is in store for the night to come.

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A Little Stress Relief

Guest Post by Joy

Spanking to relieve stress? At least that’s what Jake proposed.

I am not admitting anything, as if there is anything to admit, but there was an upcoming social event that had me on edge. We were hosting a party, which always stresses me out. Everything is a concern: the food, the wine, the spots on the carpet, the weather and, of course, will anyone really come to a party that I am hosting?

Jake’s suggestion that I might be feeling a bit testy only made things worse. So when he took my hand and said “Let’s go relieve some stress”, I pulled it back. He grabbed it again and said “No, really.”

And off we went to the play room. I made it clear that it wasn’t a good idea. I had things to do and preparations to make.

Jake said “I’m going to spank you.”

“Oh” I said. “I thought this was going to be stress relief for me, not you!”

He pulled me down over his knee and said “It is.”

From the safety of this vantage point (his eyes were on the back of my head, or perhaps my bottom because my skirt was up and panties down by this point), I rolled my eyes.

“I saw that”, he said.

“No you didn’t.”

Smack! He used his bare hand, or hands – I don’t know. As he brought them down on my bare bottom, it became clear that he was right. A few strokes of his hand and all thoughts of a house full of people began to fade away. A few more and he was really the only thing on my mind. Him and his hands.

If that is what some spanking devotees refer to as ‘centering’, then I understand. The sting of being spanked on my bare bottom is enough to bring my thoughts to focus only on the matter at hand. There is no room for distraction. Perhaps that is why I find it so much easier to reach an orgasm after Jake has turned my bottom red.

And why I later hosted one of the most successful parties of my life.

 

 

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Progress Report

I have written many times how conflicted Joy feels with her realization that she desires to be…longs to be…Dominated. Her desires struggle against her inhibitions, and the tide of her submission ebbs and flows with how the battle goes. Sometimes we fall back, but over time the tide seems to creep gradually up the shore, each wave coming farther and farther up onto the sand. Ever so slowly she appears to be coming to terms with her desire, accepting rather than fighting herself.

We have had several conversations recently in which she’s expressed a need for me to take charge more forcefully. One of her requests has been for me to stop concerning myself so much with whether she likes or enjoys something, and instead do what I want to do. We have had this conversation before in the past, and usually within a week of when we discuss it, something happens that scares or intimidates her (and by the way, it isn’t necessarily something I say or do that causes this–the trigger could easily come from an external source) and she retreats in the opposite direction. So far this time that retreat has not happened. I’m not certain yet if it’s because of her growing acceptance or if we simply have gotten lucky and avoided hitting a trigger.

Whatever the reason, we seem to be making progress. You know, something that I ought to point out is that Joy isn’t the only one who grows. I grow as well, often because of lessons she teaches me. I have definitely become better at Dominance over the years–more patient, more accepting, more willing to lose a battle to win a war. When Joy talked about anticipation in her post yesterday, she rightly points out that it doesn’t work well for her. That’s unfortunate, because I personally love anticipation, often feeling that it’s the best part! But she’s right that she doesn’t fare well with it, and learning (and re-learning) lessons like that are one way that I have grown.

Joy’s point about me needing to simply do what I want rather than worrying about what she wants is a good one as well. As I believe I’ve mentioned before, I get much of my own pleasure from giving pleasure to her. This creates an odd dynamic, in which I strive to excite Joy and by doing so, gain excitement for myself, and that leads us precisely into the scenario that she describes. Over the last several months, however, I’ve begun to try to take a longer view of things and realize that, in a sense, doing what I want is giving her what she wants…even if what I want isn’t really something that she wants. (How’s that for a confusing sentence?) This change appears to have been beneficial, and I credit at least a portion of the progress we’ve made to it.

However, it’s interesting that Joy is asking for “more of the same, and thank you, Sir!” I plan to oblige–after all, that’s the direction I want to go as well. However, I will proceed carefully to try to avoid causing another retreat. And I wonder if Joy is really aware of what she asks for with this. For instance, she has just pointed out that she doesn’t like to anticipate things. But I love to create anticipation in others. And so if I do what I want and don’t worry about what she wants…where does that leave us?

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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