Posts Tagged Introducing Bondage into a Relationship

The Best Sex…

Years ago when I was single I was told several times that the best sex took place in a marriage. Never for a minute did I believe it! My experiences with girlfriends told me that the exact opposite would be true—that I’d quickly get bored with having the same partner night after night, and I’d long for variety to spice things up a bit. And with my various girlfriends, that proved to be absolutely true. Within a month or so our sex lives would become mundane, and by month three or four I’d be oh-so-ready to move on.

It’s natural to feel attraction to other people, from friends to acquaintances to celebrities to random strangers you pass on the street. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in this, even if you’re in a committed relationship or marriage. Joy, for instance, tends to often find Latin men attractive. I tease her about it when I get a chance and we share a laugh. Or the other night when we were out, we met several people we didn’t know, and afterwards as we were walking back to our car, she told me one of the men was “absolutely perfect—he should be a model!” Her statement didn’t bother me and it still doesn’t. Joy appreciates attractive men, and that’s simply normal. I can say the same thing about me—I appreciate attractive women. And if I sometimes wonder whether a woman I meet might enjoy being bound and spanked, well, that’s just a combination of my given predilections and my natural heterosexual affinity for attractive members of the opposite sex.

However, despite this natural attraction to others, and against everything I thought that I’d learned in my dating days, I have come to realize that what I heard originally is actually true. The very best sex does, indeed, take place when you are married (or in some other form of long-term, committed relationship), and more than that, it takes place with the person you are married to. Based on my learnings, this remains true even when (perhaps especially when) BDSM is added to the mix. At no point in my life has my sex life ever approached what I have today with Joy, even back in my younger, wilder days.

Why is this so? Well, partly I think it’s because I picked the right person to be with. Joy is the perfect partner for me. She has a strong personality and a highly intelligent mind, and she presents a fairly conservative exterior image. In fact, she can be downright self-effacing at times. Over the years I’ve often said that the best woman is one who is beautiful, but doesn’t actually know it, and that describes Joy very nicely. However, underneath her demure exterior, she burns with passion and sexual desire, and beneath that strong will and intelligence hides a longing to be taken and used, to be made to submit to my own desires.

So I either made a smart choice or got extremely lucky with the partner I chose. However, I don’t believe that “picking the right partner” explains everything. Instead, I think the quality of sex with your committed partner will generally always be high, provided that both of you are truly committed to each other. Why is this so? The commitment and familiarity, the very two things that I had formerly been convinced were the death of a good sex life, provide the key.

  • Commitment ensures that you take the time to understand each other, and that you care enough to learn how the other thinks and what they desire. Familiarity comes when you have learned and can effectively apply these things.
  • Commitment to the other means that you try to please your partner. Familiarity lets you know what to do to please them and how to maximize their pleasure.
  • Commitment allows you to trust your partner (and this is particularly important when it comes to BDSM). Familiarity lets you know the boundaries to stay within so as not to betray that trust.
  • Commitment lets you expose yourself—your real self—to your partner, and familiarity comes when your true self is known and accepted, and can therefore flourish.
  • Don’t take this as a paean to monogamy. The lure of exploration remains, and I suspect it won’t go away anytime soon. Joy and I have done some experimentation with including others in BDSM scenes, and I suspect further exploration is in order. It’s also not an “Ode to Joy” (sorry…couldn’t resist)– I could sing her praises all day, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. Instead, the point is that I’ve realized I was wrong for all those years, and I had it exactly backwards. When you really know your partner, both mentally and physically, and when you have a strong commitment to them, the sex gets better…lots better… precisely because you know them and are committed to them. Sex with a comparative stranger? Well, the concept carries excitement with it, but in reality, it often falls flat. And it pales in comparison to sex with someone who knows you and your body and what you like and don’t like.

    So what’s the moral of this story? I guess it’s that if you’re in a marriage or a relationship, and the physical side of things doesn’t fulfill you as much as you’d like, don’t be too quick to give up. Try moving closer instead of farther away. Try sharing yourself more, including your hidden thoughts and forbidden desires. Do you want to try tying your partner to the bed, but just know they won’t play along? Do you want them to bust out a paddle and take it to your bare bottom, but don’t dare to ask them? If you go slow, remain patient, and accept incremental gains, you might be surprised just what your partner might be into, and how far they are willing to go. And if you succeed in exploring these forbidden fantasies with them, the shared pleasure and experience will bring you closer, and give you the best sex you’ve ever had in your life. That’s right—your spouse can be the best lover ever if you give them the chance.

    Enjoy yourself,


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Beginner Exercises for Hesitant Submissives

There are some people who naturally fit neatly into the submissive role. They want to submit, they know they want to submit, and they are happy in their submission. If you (or your partner) fits that description, then this post really isn’t for you.

Instead, this post is for relationships that involve the other kind of submissive, the kind who wants to submit, who likes to submit, but does so against their better judgement, almost in spite of themselves. They don’t see themselves as submissive, and generally are not submissive in their everyday life. In fact, they often come into a BDSM relationship seeing submission as a bad thing, seeing it as a diminishment of themselves and their self image, but feeling drawn to it nonetheless. This type of submissive is more common than the former. Joy is, by the way, this kind of submissive.

The Submissive-In-Spite-Of-Themselves (let’s call them SISOTs from here on out) present a challenge for their Dominant partner, but precisely because of that challenge, can also be extremely rewarding to work with. The dominant half of a SISOT relationship must fight for every inch of progress, as the SISOT both wants and does not want to give them control. However, in the same way that food never tastes as good as when you’re really hungry, it is particularly sweet when the SISOT succumbs and grants their surrender.

The most important requirement for a relationship like this one is trust. Without trust, no progress will ever occur. However, assuming that trust is in place, the next most important requirement is patience! The dominant partner must be willing to go slow, to make headway in fits and starts, and be willing to back off and allow for rest periods of weeks or months to enable the SISOT to internalize what they’ve done and what they’ve learned about themselves. While the dominant will need to push to make progress, it must be done slowly and gently, or the internal balance between desire vs. self image will tilt and the SISOT will push back. Months of progress together may be washed away in a single night.

Over time and with practice, the SISOT partner becomes more comfortable with playing the submissive role, but it is definitely a journey. Especially at the beginning, it is important to reinforce the idea of submission gradually. Direct confrontation or discipline sessions are doomed to failure. Instead, the dominant partner should choose activities to which the SISOT finds it easy to submit. In other words, don’t pick something that they don’t want to do and require them to do it. Instead, select an activity that they are attracted to but perhaps haven’t let themselves try, and work on that. In some situations, it may be helpful to present the activity as a challenge, rather than something that you require. For instance, you may use language like, “I’d like you to do X tonight. Do you think you can do that for me?”

What kinds of activities could these be? Well, mileages will definitely vary depending on the unique situation. What works for one couple may very easily not work for another, as each individual and relationship are different. However, here are some relatively low-key activity suggestions to consider. Each not only reinforces submission subtly, but may (especially if tweaked to fit your specific situation) hold a secret appeal for budding SISOTs and their Dominant halves:

  • Shaving – As mentioned in the post I put up earlier this week, shaving makes a good D/s activity for beginners. The SISOT must shave an area of their body (which area is up to you) and then keep it clean shaven going forward. Alternatively, the SISOT must not shave an area of their body and leave it unshaven going forward. Examples: Joel must keep his legs shaven, Gina must shave her pubic hair, or Kelly must let the hair under her arms grow in.
  • Bondage – The Dominant gradually introduces bondage into the relationship, starting slowly and becoming gradually stricter over time. Example: Randall first blindfolds his girlfriend, Laura, during sex. Next time, he cuffs her hands behind her back.
  • Undergarments – The Dominant requests (and eventually requires) that the SISOT wear a certain type/color of undergarment (or that they do not wear a particular undergarment at all) during certain time frames or situations. Example: Andrew must wear women’s panties this week, or Julie may not wear a bra out to dinner tonight.
  • Masturbation – The submissive partner must masturbate during a given time frame and then tell the Dominant partner what they did, where they did it, and what they fantasized about while doing it. Example: Marianne requires that Caroline masturbate at some point during the day and then explain what she did and thought about when they go to bed that night.
  • Pretending – The Dominant partner should pick a scenario that is well outside the comfort zone of the SISOT, and then request that they fantasize about (and possibly even roleplay) that scenario during their next session together. Example: James requests that he and his wife, Anne, role play having a threesome in bed together.

As stated above, these options are meant to be a menu, and couples should order off it according to what appeals to them. They should feel free to modify the entree’ they choose as necessary to meet the needs of their relationship. The key is to select something that will enable the two partners to play their respective roles and reinforce the idea of Domination and submission in a way that is palatable to both. And the hope is that by practicing on easier exercises, like these, the SISOT will become more comfortable in their view of both submission and themselves, and that will enable them to more fully embrace their desire to submit.

Enjoy Yourself!


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Third Step Added…

Just wanted to let you know that I’ve now added step three to my series on Introducing Bondage into Your Relationship. Hope some of you find it useful!

Enjoy yourself,


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