Posts Tagged humiliation

Demeaned But Cherished

Joy likes to feel used by me. She likes to feel as though she has no option but to do as I instruct her regardless of her own preferences. She likes to feel as though her purpose for existence is to give herself to me and let me make use of her as I choose. She likes, in a sense, to feel diminished. It excites her to feel this way, and when I take my pleasure in her without consideration of her own pleasure, it satisfies her in a way that even an orgasm cannot. I believe that this desire to feel small and overpowered and less lies at the root of her submission. I also believe that she is not alone in this—other submissives have this same desire. Perhaps this is why a measure of humiliation can be profoundly arousing to many subs.

On the other hand, Joy wants to feel cherished, to feel valued, to feel protected. She wants to feel as though she is the most dear jewel in the collection, the prize I hold above all others, the good girl that makes me happier than anything else could. Feeling this way buoys her self-worth and sense of attractiveness. The sense of being prized helps her to feel secure. Of course, this desire to be valued exists within all people everywhere—who doesn’t like to feel cherished? It’s a human need, I believe. However, I call it out because I want to be clear that it exists within Joy just as it exists within everyone else.

So, on the one hand, she desires to feel devalued, while on the other, she desires to feel treasured. Obviously these two goals are in rather violent contradiction! In this particular case, however, they don’t seem to conflict directly, as they appear to be separated in time. In other words, Joy feels both these desires, but as near as I can tell, she doesn’t feel them at the same time.

Generally the first desire, the desire to feel used and devalued, exists in a state of sexual arousal. It’s hard to say, really, whether it is a consequence of Joy’s becoming aroused, or whether it fuels her arousal itself. Regardless, this state seems to be most common when she wants sex and/or is in the midst of a sexual activity. It does not always manifest when she’s turned on, but it does so frequently, and often quite powerfully. Any form of submission has within it at least a hint of diminishment. And though it must be handled with care, because it’s easy with Joy to go too far in this direction, a bit of more explicit humiliation can prove quite helpful in ratcheting up the excitement level during an adventure.

The second desire, however–the desire to be cherished–manifests far more frequently. In one sense it is present at all times, whether Joy and I are together or she is alone. That’s no surprise—again, I think everyone wants to feel special. However, there are sometimes in particular when Joy needs to feel this way. Often this is true immediately post-sex, when she wants to be held and cuddled. It is generally especially true after a dose of the humiliation mentioned above. In that case, Joy must feel that her self-sacrifice is appropriately appreciated, and that I recognize what she has done in submission.

You would think that recognizing this would be easy, but instead it is quite difficult. When Joy is done with her need to feel diminished, she is done with it. Anything that brings up what she has done or calls it to mind triggers a sense of shame and self-disgust. At these times, even phrases like “good girl”, normally well-received, often prove to be depth charges to her self esteem, exploding far below the surface and doing unrevealed damage that may come floating up later. So it’s impossible for me to say, “I liked very much that you did such-and-such,” when such-and-such brings shame to mind. The only solution that I’ve found to try to satisfy her need to feel appreciated so far is to hold her close and tell her I love her. That is always a good thing, but it’s not as effective as I’d like.

I bring all this up because this seems to underlay some of the problems that Joy and I have been working our way through. I believe I have done an insufficient job of feeding her need to feel cherished for the sexual submission she offers. This is an extremely touchy subject for the two of us to talk about, due to Joy’s sense of shame and the temper it triggers. In fact, Joy will vigorously deny that she has any desire to be humiliated in the slightest! However, I have plainly seen the evidence in her body’s response and her own reaction during times of sexual arousal, and I know that the desire exists. And in reading between the lines, I believe that at least one root cause for our rocky last few weeks has been Joy’s perception that the reward for her deeper submission has been lacking.

The best thought I have for how to address this, given the constraints that I face, is to save the praise for when it will be best received. When Joy is aroused, her desire for feeling diminished increases, and it overpowers both her desire to feel cherished and her sense of pride. One time she might be receptive to hearing praise for her submissive actions would be at the beginning of the next adventure. However, that’s not ideal—the best time to give praise is in close proximity to the action that triggered it. Therefore, perhaps my best approach going forward is to give immediate praise, right after Joy does something she might later feel is demeaning. While she is still mid-adventure and fully aroused, she should be much more open to hearing these words of affirmation.

I will think more on this—I must take care not to ruin the flow of the adventure by stopping for hugs and “good girls” mid-stream. But perhaps there’s some promise in this approach. It’s an idea to play with, anyway.

Enjoy yourself,


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Friday Adventure Idea: Naked Dinner

Recipe for Naked Dinner

This is an extremely simple, but surprisingly effective, adventure meant to emphasize the hierarchy within a Dominant/submissive relationship. I believe I originally got the idea from a movie, but I have no idea which one it might have been. While it is perfectly okay to give your partner warning of what you’re planning in advance, I have preferred to spring things like this on Joy suddenly, with no notice. It’s quite a wonderful thing to watch her face as she realizes that I am serious and makes up her mind to submit to my requirement.

As always, I have written this from the perspective of a male Dominant with a female submissive partner. However, this particular scene is completely gender neutral, and therefore you can mix and match roles and genders as required for your own situation with no modifications necessary.

You Will Need:

  • Nothing, except several hours of alone time (although if you had the right guests over, it might be even more effective to conduct ‘Naked Dinner’ during a dinner party)
  • Instructions:

    You should be fully dressed for this adventure, and ideally in something that emphasizes your Dominant role. A coat and tie might be one option, or you could go with jeans if that’s more your style. It makes absolutely no difference what your partner wears—she won’t have it on long, anyway.

    1. Select a night when you and your partner are going to eat dinner together at home. It does not matter who does the cooking—proceed with the preparations however you wish. I suggest making sure the table is set formally—candles and nice china would be good—so as to increase the feeling of contrast you are about to create. However, when the table is set and dinner has been cooked, but before it is served, stop. Grasp your partner’s hands and turn her to face you. Instruct her to take off her clothes.
    2. You’ll like get some sort of variation on “…but dinner’s ready!” in response. You should reply with “Do you think I don’t know that? I would like to have a nice view when I eat my meal. Now hurry and take off your clothes.”
    3. Perhaps your partner will have no trouble with this—I don’t know. However, for Joy it is difficult. She feels embarrassed at the idea of being nude while I am dressed. If you get some sort of comment about how it isn’t fair for one person to keep their clothes on, feel free to point out that Dominant/submissive relationships are quite unfair on purpose. “Dominants dominate, and submissives submit. I suggest you remember that while you unbutton your blouse.”
    4. Once your partner has removed every stitch of clothing (no, she cannot keep her underwear, no matter how nicely she asks), sit down at your seat and tell her that you would like her to serve you. Let her know she should be careful she doesn’t burn any tender, exposed parts on hot pots or pans! Isn’t it lovely to watch her breasts jiggle as she carries dishes of food in from the kitchen? And don’t you just want to bend her right over the table and take her right there, among the plates and glasses?
    5. Enjoy your meal together. While it’s certainly possible to let your conversation turn down “interesting” paths, I recommend you stick to completely neutral topics—how work went, or what your plans are for tomorrow. However, make sure you keep the tinge of humiliation and vulnerability your partner feels alive. Every once in awhile, instruct her to stand up and turn around (so that you can see her ass) or raise her hands over her head (to lift her breasts and expose her elegant underarms).
    6. When the meal is over, have her remain naked while she clears the table. Linger in your chair, enjoying the view. What a lucky man you are to have such a beauty serving you!
    7. When the table has been cleared, you can finish this adventure in any number of ways. My own choice was to pull Joy over my knee for a good spanking, and then lay her down across the dining room table to be fucked. Variations on this idea are many. However, you could also easily choose to continue the theme you started with and spend the rest of the evening together, you fully dressed while your partner remains bare, if that’s what you prefer.


    An interesting modification to this idea might be to have your partner wear a dress, but remove her panties and tuck the back of the skirt up, so that her bottom is exposed. That way you get a nice view every time she turns around (and it’s particularly tantalizing if you are into spanking like we are). And if your partner is shy and has a particularly difficult time with being naked for dinner, you could also tone things down a bit by letting her wear lingerie.

    Depending on your partner’s level of inhibition, this adventure can be rather mild or rather difficult—you’ll need to be the judge of that. Note, however, that it requires your partner to feel at least a hint of humiliation and embarrassment for it to succeed. If she is completely comfortable in her nudity, you’ll have to ramp things up a bit. Consider adding a set of nipple clamps, or an anal plug. Or, alternatively, cuff her hands behind her back so that she can only eat when you feed her. Any of these options might help increase the feeling of vulnerability and submission you are looking for.

    Enjoy yourself,


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