Back in the old days of our marriage, back when we were strictly vanilla, our sex life often tended to fall into a rut. I think this is fairly typical for most couples, actually. Oh, occasionally Joy and I would spice things up a little bit–“get busy” in a different room in the house, for instance–but what we’d actually do together would almost always follow this same pattern:
- Opening gambit by Jake–kisses and caresses, clothing removal
- Focus on Joy’s pleasure–manual and oral stimulation by Jake
- Focus on Jake’s pleasure–manual and oral stimulation by Joy, but not to the point where Jake climaxes, so that we could finish with the final step…
- Doing it–Jake screws Joy until he reaches climax
Note that I didn’t mention Joy reaching orgasm anytime in there. Oh, I’d try my very best, and Joy enjoyed herself, but until we took our first, tentative steps beyond vanilla into the world of kinky, and until we had a sufficient level of trust built up, Joy wasn’t able to let herself go enough to reach a climax.
There is nothing particularly wrong (other than Joy not reaching orgasm) with the above routine–in fact, it’s a pretty good one, I think, as it let both of us enjoy the other, and we both got our indvidual time in the sun. But the problem, in my view, was that it was a routine in the first place. Following this pattern once in awhile would be just fine, but following it all the time made things kind of…well, I don’t know if “boring” is quite the right word when it comes to sex, but you get what I’m talking about. Note that this is not meant to cast aspersions on Joy or myself in our love-making techniques! The issue was simply that we did the same thing over and over again.
Leaving vanilla behind opened up whole new vistas of possibilities, however. When one embraces sexual practices outside the mainstream, so many more options appear! Anal sex, bondage, spanking and other pain play, costumes of various types, a myriad of toys and products, and even more adventurous practices become available, and we take full and enthusiastic advantage!
But you know what? Even with all these different activities to choose from, it’s still possible to fall into a routine. While I’m a fan of routine in many places, when it comes to sex, I favor adventure instead, and therefore I strive to make certain that we avoid falling into a BDSM rut.
If you feel the same way and want to keep your sex life fresh, here are some strategies that have worked for me…
- Remember what you’ve done recently so that you can avoid repetition. I don’t go so far as to keep a journal, but you could do so if you want. It’s fine to revisit something that worked well, but to avoid the rut, I’d suggest waiting a few weeks before going back, even if you both loved it. Remember the old saying, “Always leave them wanting more!”
- Try to have a strategy that you’re following. For instance, perhaps there’s a limit that you’re working with. Don’t focus on that limit every single time, but keep coming back to it every so often. Vary your approach on how you engage the limit–use role playing one time, watch an example video online the next time, and take a small step toward actual implementation the time after. Try to build on previous adventures that were part of this strategy so that you gradually edge closer and closer toward the limit.
- Add new toys to your toy chest. Simply incorporating a different style vibrator may be enough to take a scene from “familiar” to “adventurous”. This applies to other things you might not classify strictly as a sex toy, by the way. When I bought our leather hog tie and first used it to bind Joy, for instance, we had quite a memorable night. Just the fact that we had a new and severe restraint was enough to freshen things up, even though I’d bound her with impromptu hog ties in the past.
- Seek out new options. Look for things you haven’t done that may be interesting–the internet is a marvelous source of wild and wicked ideas. Encourage your partner to look for things they are interested in as well. Perhaps you can even “assign them a duty” to find something new they might want to try. When you find something that holds interest for both of you (and is safe and legal), give it a shot. If your partner happens to find something they think looks like fun but that doesn’t particularly appeal to you, consider giving it a try anyway (as long as you don’t actively despise the idea). Both Joy and I have had revelatory experiences trying things that didn’t necessarily appeal to us but did appeal to our partner.
- Act out your fantasies. There are many situations or actions that are not practical (or even not possible) to act out in reality, but can certainly be role-played. Role playing can be as realistic or fantastic as you desire. Have you fantasized about being required to give head to avoid losing your job? Act it out with your partner. Have you dreamed about being a prison guard who dispenses a favor for “a favor”? Act that out too. Are you into Narnia and you’ve always had a secret wish to be taken from behind by a centaur? By all means, act it out.
- Remember that when it comes to BDSM, the mental side of things far outweighs the physical. Use the Dominant/submissive power exchange to charge up your “sessions” together. Increasing the feeling of Dominance/submission for an evening can make even a routine activity feel far different.
These are simply a few suggestions–there are plenty of other ways to stay out of the rut. If you use your imagination, I’m positive you can come up with ideas that put these to shame. But if you’re feeling stagnant and a breath of fresh air is called for, give these a try.
Nothing like some hot sex to get 2012 started off with a bang!