Joy is a little worried.
As I posted a couple weeks ago, I recently published an e-Book meant to serve as a handbook on BDSM for beginners. The book has actually been pretty much written in one form or another for a couple years. For a long time, however, I hesitated about publishing it. The reason for the hesitation was that I was worried about how Joy might feel about it.
“Oh,” she told me several times, “Go ahead and publish it! You’re a good writer, and I think you should go forward.” And in fact, Joy even edited the manuscript before it went live on Amazon. But even so, I had concerns. I double-checked with her one last time before hitting the “publish” button, and she looked me straight in the eye and told me, “Do it.”
So I did.
This afternoon, though, we talked a little about how she felt. Joy often has a hard time speaking about her feelings, but this was a rare mood, and she was able to open up more fully than usual. And here’s what she shared about how she feels.
“I’m a little scared,” she said. “And I’m a little embarrassed. What if someone knows who I am? What if your book becomes popular and someone discovers that it’s me that you are writing about? How will I look my friends in the eye? What will people think?”
Truth be told, that is a risk. Frankly, even having this blog carries with it that risk, and all of us who blog about “out-of-the-accepted-norm” topics worry about it a little. I am less sensitive and therefore less worried than Joy is, but there’s no question that what I write might raise some eyebrows among my vanilla friends and acquaintances.
Joy, however, has an extremely strong reaction to feelings of embarrassment. She hates to feel ashamed. And as she points out, society takes a different view of a woman who likes to be Dominated and spanked than of the man who likes to spank her and make her submit. Neither is positive, mind you, but the man’s perspective is more easily understood.
Hopefully being “outed” is a risk that won’t be realized. However, I suspect that even if it did come to pass, that both Joy and I might be a little surprised at the range of reactions we’d get from the members of the vanilla crowds we hang with. I’m sure we’d get the cold shoulder from some, and that we’d be the source of endless gossip. However, I also believe that there would be others that would give us a secret wink of understanding, or surreptitiously ask us curious questions in private venues when the occasion presented itself.
And hey…maybe they’d buy copies of the book. That would be a bonus!
Joy also shared that a part of her is jealous. That caught me by surprise, but I guess, in retrospect, it shouldn’t have. If you’ve read her occasional contributions to my blog, you’ll know that she writes well and has her own distinct viewpoint. And she definitely has a strong sense of competition inside her, which she sometimes focuses to a lesser extent even on me. Of course, my reaction is, “Then, please, go ahead and write—I’ll absolutely be supportive!” Perhaps she will…though I suspect her choice of subject matter might be different.
Despite all this, however, Joy remains positive she made the correct decision when she said, “Do it.” I love my wife, who can be amazingly brave at times.