Posts Tagged discipline

Friday Adventure Idea: Bad Girl

Recipe for Bad Girl

In keeping with the theme I seem to be writing about this week, this adventure is a selfish one—you will use your partner for your pleasure without granting her pleasure of her own. This scenario could be used for an actual disciplinary session, which is how I originally enacted it with Joy many months ago. However, there’s no need to wait if nobody’s actually been a bad girl and no discipline is called for. One could just as easily use it as a sort of role-playing-lite adventure, in which one partner pretends that they have been bad and the other pretends that they need discipline. Either way, the actions are the same, though the feeling of the adventure will vary markedly between the two.

Though written from the perspective of a male dominant with a female submissive partner, this adventure is almost completely gender neutral—only minimal changes are required to accommodate different genders within each role! As always, ensure you have a safe word in place before you begin.

You Will Need:

  • 1 pair of wrist cuffs
  • 1 snap hook
  • a spanking implement of your choice (could be your bare hand if desired)

Instructions:
Start your partner off in her underwear. Just about any underwear will do—pick what you think is pretty or simply remove her clothes and go with whatever she has on underneath. You, however, should remain fully clothed. For this adventure there’s no need to place your equipment out of sight–I advocate leaving it in plain view out on the bed to allow a sense of anticipation to build.

  1. Inform your partner that discipline is necessary and instruct her to remove her panties.
  2. When she has done so, place the cuffs around her wrists and buckle them tightly.
  3. Lay your partner back on a bed or couch, face up. Bring her knees to her chest to form her into a ball. Pull her arms out and use the snap hook to fasten her wrists together behind her knees, so that she is in a ball-tie position, with her bottom and genitals nicely exposed.
  4. A ball-tie can be deceptively restrictive, as your partner will quickly discover. Use her legs and feet as a lever to position her as you see fit, then pick up the spanking implement. Explain that as a punishment for her transgressions she will be receiving X strokes (the value of X may vary depending on your knowledge of your partner and the spanking implement you have chosen—Joy and I used 20). Tell her that you will be counting each stroke off, one by one, and after each one you expect her to ask for another stroke (e.g. “Please spank me again, Sir!”).
  5. Begin the spanking. Hold your partner’s feet and legs out of the way with your free hand if necessary to get a proper angle. Make sure that she follows through on asking for another stroke each time—if she does not, repeat the previous stroke. In addition, as you spank her, explain to her why she is being punished. I favor the “four W’s” approach: What did she do wrong, Why it was wrong, What’s the right thing to do, and What will happen if she does the wrong thing again. Take your time—the spanking plus lecture ought to last at least six or eight minutes.
  6. When you reach X strokes, don’t stop. Continue on to at least X+3 or X+4. If your partner mentions that you were going to stop at X, inform her that you changed your mind, and that you will stop when you think she has had enough.
  7. When you feel you have reached a sufficient number of strokes, put down the spanking implement. Use your partner’s legs to turn her body around until her head is towards you. Grasp her hair and make her look at you to confirm that she understands what she did wrong and she knows what to do next time.
  8. Don’t say a word, but unzip your pants and enter your partner’s mouth. You may do so either from above or by turning her on her side and lying beside her. Use her mouth to bring yourself to orgasm, holding her head in place with a firm grip in her hair. When you come, do so either in her mouth or across her face– the choice is yours.
  9. Afterwards, use a towel to gently wipe her face and lips. Once her face is clean, release her wrists and enfold her in your arms. Stroke her hair and let her know that though you expect her to remember this lesson, she is forgiven and you love her.

Commentary:

Obviously the underlying theme behind this adventure is Dominance—you are telling your partner quite clearly that you are in control and that you expect her to obey your instructions or there will be consequences. As a possible variation, note that if you prefer to take your pleasure in an opening other than your partner’s mouth, the ball-tie position leaves both other options fully available. Other bondage positions would work for this scenario as well—possibilities abound.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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Bondage Positions for Genital Spanking

I believe that there are really only three simple, effective bondage position options for genital spanking. If you decide tonight’s the night to restrain your partner, spread their legs and give them a paddling on their most sensitive areas, here’s a quick look at the three options:

Spreadeagle

  • Partner feels helpless (and frankly, is helpless) to prevent the spanking
  • A relatively severe spreadeagle like the one in the picture even prevents attempts at movement to throw off the spanker’s aim
  • Genital area is nicely exposed, though as always, narrow spanking implements (a riding crop, for instance) will work best
  • Comfortable position for the bound partner (except for the spanking part, of course)
  • Requires connection points for all four limbs
Wrists to Ankles

  • Partner cannot use their arms to prevent the spanking
  • Bound partner has more ability to move and/or close their legs to interfere with the spanking, but this can actually be a positive if the spanker wishes to require active voluntary submission to receive each blow–
    “Joy, open your legs…now ask me to please spank your pussy.”
  • Narrow spanking instruments definitely preferred
  • Comfortable position for the bound partner (again, except for the fact that they are being spanked)
  • No external connection points required
    Ball Tie (aka “diaper position” in the spanking community)

    • In a tight ball tie, the bound partner is far more helpless than you (or they) might expect
    • Legs provide leverage to control and position the bound partner’s body as the spanker desires to receive the spanking
    • Genitals are slightly less exposed than in the first two positions, as the thighs provide some slight coverage
    • No external connection points and only a single pair of cuffs required!
    • Because the genital area tends to protrude somewhat in the ball tie, this position is able to accommodate somewhat wider spanking implements if desired
    • Reasonably comfortable position for bound partner provided that the duration isn’t too long

    Of course, it’s possible to mix and match bits and pieces of other positions to good effect as well (for instance, consider an overarm tie combined with some means of tying the legs apart), and if you decide you need to venture beyond “simple”, I’m quite sure someone, somewhere has figured out a way to suspend their partner upside down with legs spread to offer a tempting target. I like simple, though, and so tend to stick with one of these three options when Joy’s pussy needs a bit of disciplinary action.

    Enjoy yourself!

    Jake

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    Tools of the Trade

    I was thinking about spanking Joy the other day (imagine that!) and trying to decide which implement I would use to do the deed. Mentally I weighed the pros and cons of each, and all of a sudden I realized I had the makings of a blog post! I did a brief survey with the party on the receiving end of these tools, busted out the camera, et voila!

    Here we have an overview of the various different spanking implements we possess, complete with commentary by Joy on how each makes her feel. Of course, your experiences may not match ours, but this should serve as a rough guide when considering incorporating a spanking into your sex play…

    Bare Hand: Our unanimous favorite implement is my bare right hand. It’s always handy (so to speak) and never needs to be dug up from under the bed or the back of a drawer. More than that, it can sense subtle variations in the strength of impact and the flinch of the recipient’s bottom far more readily than other implements, allowing for better sensitivity on my part. The impact and sting it delivers varies from sharp and crisp to somewhat “thuddy”, depending on how the hand is held. And the handprint it can leave on Joy’s round, white bottom is highly decorative!

    Joy feels that being turned over my knee and paddled with my bare hand provides the most personal spanking experience. She also enjoys having her bottom stroked or rubbed between smacks, and a hand performs that task far better than any other implement. She says that the hand makes for the most erotic spanking, also, as it’s skin-on-skin contact. Who am I to argue with that?

    Leather Belt: The leather belt conjures up images of parental discipline, and therefore assumes a level of authority in one’s mind that it simply doesn’t live up to. Our leather belt is, IMHO, the wimpiest of our spanking implements, at least when used at close quarters. Even when doubled, it simply doesn’t have enough weight or rigidity for serious spanking. However, the connotations it carries can be pleasant—there’s something about saying “Take off your panties and bring me my belt!”—and while it’s less severe than our other tools, it still can do an adequate job if properly wielded.

    Note, however, that if you choose to use the belt from a greater distance (as a purely theoretical example, such as standing behind your partner who’s hands are bound overhead) and do not double it over, it can take on more whip-like qualities, and the experience ramps up in severity rather remarkably. Used in this way, I believe that the belt transcends the spanking category. Advance practitioners only, please.

    Joy’s opinion of the belt as a spanking tool is “pleasantly stingy after awhile, with very little thud at all”. She also recommends it for beginners interested in giving spanking a try. We used to use a belt as our designated disciplinary spanking implement, until I realized how little severity it brought to the table.

    Leather Paddle: The leather paddle was our first spanking implement other than my hand. I find its bark stronger than its bite. In other words, it makes a serious “smack” when it comes down on Joy’s ass, but the impact is diffused enough to substantially mitigate the sting. Its wide area of coverage with each blow does a wonderful job, however, of turning Joy’s bottom nicely red.

    Joy assures me that while the paddle sounds more severe than it is, it nonetheless can deliver a pleasurable burn, especially with rapid use. Moreover, she likes the loud sound—it creates a feeling of severity for her, she says, even when she’s not in the mood for more serious pain.

    The leather paddle delivers little thud—it’s not really heavy enough and has too much give. A wooden paddle likely would provide a harsher, more thuddie experience, but sadly we do not yet own one.

    Hairbrush: When a more severe, over the knee experience is necessary, a hairbrush can deliver. It’s got a bit of weight, a hard surface, and a narrower area of impact than our paddle, and therefore concentrates the force on a smaller portion of Joy’s behind. Because it is so short, it can be used at close quarters almost as well as a bare hand, and therefore makes a good tool for an OTK session.

    Joy doesn’t much care for our hairbrush, but that’s at least partially because it has unpleasant associations for her. When we moved away from using a belt for discipline, I elected to move to a hairbrush instead. The only times Joy’s been spanked with it have been when she’s in trouble, and therefore you can understand why she might not like it.

    Joy comments that the brush delivers a fair amount of thud due to its rigid surface. The sting can be relatively serious if the brush is forcefully applied, and Joy describes it as a “bite” rather than a warm sting, like the paddle provides. “Ouch” is her overall comment.

    Riding Crop: Not suitable for close quarters, I save the riding crop for occasions on which a less personal, more severe experience is in order. The crop makes a good accompaniment to our spanking table, for instance. It’s relatively narrow head and semi-flexible shaft limit the amount of thud it provides, but tends to maximize the sting.

    “That crop bites!” says Joy with emphasis. “Why do you have to use it again?”

    “Because sometimes you need a little biting”, I reply.

    “Oh, yeah,” she says, wrinkling her nose. “I forgot”.

    I’d say that the crop is the most severe tool we use regularly for spanking. It leaves nice red marks on Joy’s pale skin, and can cause her to gasp and whimper with correct usage.

    Switch: Our switch is homemade, but what true switch isn’t? Originally switches were slender tree branches with the leaves, twigs and bark stripped off. Ours started life as part of an old cat toy, the kind that has a dangly thing hanging off a shaft. I ditched the dangly thing and kept the shaft, and there you have it.

    We’ve only used the switch a couple times. Joy is, frankly, afraid of it. It’s narrow shaft delivers all impact in a small area, and it’s flexibility adds a bit of whippiness to the effect. It leaves narrow red marks on Joy’s rear, and if I’m not careful, can easily raise welts.

    “It’s evil!” Joy tells me. “It hurts!” When I protest that she sometimes likes a little pain, she says, “But I’m afraid it won’t be just a little pain!” Consequently, the switch has been consigned to our closet, at least for now.

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    Tough Times

    Believe it or not, all is not always wine and roses here in our particular slice of paradise. No, sometimes we go through tough times—too much work, too little attention, outside distractions, hurt feelings and inadequate communication. Our relationship suffers. Tough times may present a real challenge to work through, but they also may present a real opportunity to learn.

    I have read many blog posts by submissive authors going through tough times, and have learned a lot about how they have dealt with their various situations. Rarely, however, have I read posts by Dominant authors about problems that they struggle with in their relationships. It appears that ‘fessing up to difficulties with one’s submissive partner Just Isn’t Done from the Dominant side, probably because it reveals weakness, a quality that tends to fatally pierce the image of we Dominants. (William, you are the exception, and I both applaud your courage and thank you for what I learned from the experiences you have shared.)

    I, however, am going to break with convention and talk about the current challenge Joy and I are trying to work through. To date we’re still in the midst of trying to resolve it, but my hope is that by sharing the situation and how I’m trying to handle it, others may learn (even if it’s only from my mistakes). When we do make it out the other side, I’m also going to share what strategy was eventually successful, and hopefully that will prove enlightening as well.

    Here’s the situation:

    For years, Joy and I have enjoyed a “bedroom D/s” relationship. Roughly, that has translated into a relationship in which Joy submits to me within the realm of sex, but in day-to-day life outside of that arena, she acts as her own person and neither she nor I dominate the other. While a certain amount of “bleeding over” into our lives outside that boundary has taken place, we’ve kept it fairly well in check.

    However, over the past few months as Joy and I have become more educated by our joining the online D/s community, the rate of bleeding has increased, and eventually a month or two ago, Joy came to me and asked for a new arrangement. She wanted to expand our boundaries to include nightly maintenance spankings and to give me more authority within our relationship outside the walls of sex.

    Now, Joy is just as smart as I am and at least as strong-willed, and I value her opinion. I did not and do not want to lose her input into decisions, though I am willing and happy to be the final arbiter of the direction we choose. So we settled on this idea—Joy is free to and encouraged to disagree with me if she feels it is warranted, but she must do so respectfully, and if we reach an impasse, I will make the final decision. More than that, we added the maintenance spankings she requested—she is required to present herself for spanking each night—plus a requirement that she must come to bed panty-free and in some sort of nightgown—no wearing pajama pants to bed.

    Joy warned me I would need to be sure not to let her slide. I should not ask her whether she wants to be spanked, she said, but instead assume that she darn well would be and tell her it’s time. We also discussed discipline in the event that she failed to live up to the rules, and I, in turn, warned her that if this was the direction she wanted to go, I would not let infractions pass. She agreed, and reiterated this is what she wanted.

    So far, so good, but here’s the rub. It’s come down to that word “respectfully” I used two paragraphs above. Joy has a temper, and two times now she has blithely passed over “respectfully” and into “resentfully” or even “angrily”. And that would be okay, except both times she’s realized full well that she was in trouble, and when the time came for discipline, she refused. “I don’t want to,” she said, sitting in bed with a book. “I know you’re going to discipline me, and it’s not fair.”

    There’s no question about whether or not discipline is called for—even Joy herself realizes that, which is why she knew full well she was in trouble. The issue is also not the punishment itself—Joy doesn’t know what punishment I had planned, and frankly, if she did know, she wouldn’t feel it was particularly harsh or out of line. I believe that this is simply a situation where what sounded good from a long-term, distant perspective—agreeing that I needed to have the power to discipline her if she didn’t live up to our terms—doesn’t sound nearly so appetizing when it’s staring you right in the eye.

    So let’s consider options. The most obvious option is to do exactly as she has requested and essentially make her submit to punishment. However, I’ve seen the look she has in her eyes, and my judgment is that it would take physical force to make her comply. It is true I have not put this judgment to the test, but I know my wife, and I have confidence that I am correct. Joy would fight back, and I suspect I’d literally have to hurt her to get obedience (not hurt as in transient pain like a spanking, but hurt as in cause harm to). I may be a Dominant, but I have my own limits, and that is not something I am willing to do.

    My natural inclination is to go with option number two– say “Fine!” and withdraw and leave her alone. This is what I did the first time this occurred, and after several days of chilly temperatures between us, a thaw occurred and we resumed activity. I think a bit of progress was made—her submission felt deeper afterwards, somehow. However, though we went through a review of our agreement, she never really received the punishment she was due. And now we have a repeat occurrence, so obviously this option didn’t work very well (and probably that’s not really a surprise).

    So this time I am currently employing option number three, which is again to withdraw and leave her alone, but this time with the stipulation that we will not resume activities until she submits to the punishment she is due. That submission has not yet taken place, and we shall see how things go if and when it does.

    I’m sure there’s probably an option four out there, but so far it hasn’t occurred to me. I guess I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it. In the meantime, though there’s a bit of hazy sunshine during the day, temperatures chez Jake and Joy drop near freezing at night. I might have to break out my fuzzy socks to keep my feet warm tonight.

    Enjoy yourself,

    Jake

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    Spanking for Discipline

    Joy likes to be spanked. Oh, I don’t mean that she necessarily enjoys the physical pain, but the whole spanking process—baring her bottom, being taken over my knee, the helpless feeling of being smacked on the behind–really energizes and arouses her. And fair enough—it energizes and arouses me as well. A good spanking can provide a wonderful bit of foreplay before sex begins in earnest.

    However, spanking can be used for another purpose. Sometimes in a Dominant/submissive relationship, a correction is required. Perhaps the submissive has forgotten a rule, or failed to complete an “assignment”, or violated a ritual. Or perhaps they are testing the bounds of their relationship, verifying that the Dominant is, indeed, paying attention and willing to enforce the rules that are in place. Or possibly they just need to feel a display of strength…of Dominance…from their partner. Regardless of the motivation, part of the compact between Top and bottom in a D/s relationship is that the Dominant will act to bring the submissive back into line when they transgress. Both partners, by the way, desire this—it is a key to Dominance and submission in the first place.

    Spanking for discipline should feel very different than spanking for pleasure. An erotic spanking is fun—it leverages the two partner’s arousal and the submissive’s ability to mingle pain and pleasure to create sexual intensity. Spanking for discipline needs to avoid doing the same thing, or it loses its effect. A correction should not be fun—if it is, it encourages more of the same behavior that necessitated it in the first place. It should not be horrible either, but instead focused on delivering the message that the behavior was out of bounds and should not be repeated.

    All that is easy to say, but how exactly does one make a disciplinary spanking different from an erotic spanking? After all, they both consist of the same basic actions. The spanker’s hand (or other spanking implement) is brought down across the recipient’s ass, creating brief pain (Joy says that “it smarts”) and a loud “thwack”. Where is the differentiation between the two?

    Physically, there is little difference. I don’t recommend spanking your partner harder, for instance—if anything, I’d suggest not being quite as rough on them as usual, as you don’t have the same level of sexual excitement present to temper the pain. It is possible to reserve a specific tool for use as a disciplinary instrument—Joy and I have a belt we use, for instance—to help draw a line between play versus correction. But other than that, I make no physical changes for a disciplinary spanking session.

    I’d be tempted to suggest that you do your best to ramp up the feeling of Dominance during a correction, using it to reinforce the message you want to send. But ramping up the feeling of Dominance is also really fun to do during a play spanking session, so in the end, I don’t think that’s a differentiating factor either.

    No, there are only a couple variances between an erotic spanking and a disciplinary spanking, but they are important ones. The first is the sexual component. An erotic spanking generally leads to sex of some shape or variety, and the awareness of impending sex permeates and changes the experience for both participants. Because of this, I find it important to ensure that a disciplinary spanking does not directly lead to sex, and that I avoid behaviors that create sexual arousal (e.g. playing with nipples, a finger that wanders up between the legs, kisses and caresses, etc). Not following this policy creates a risk of muddying waters best kept clear, and making the correction too enjoyable.

    The second variance, and probably the most important one, is the atmosphere of the disciplinary session. I’ve said before that when it comes to BDSM in general, atmosphere matters! Where an erotic spanking may feel playful, a disciplinary spanking should feel serious. Lingerie and bondage may be key elements to the atmosphere of a play spanking, but they are not important to a disciplinary spanking. The focus should be on the message you are delivering to your partner, and the spanking itself should reinforce that message.

    Your message should be delivered using effective, vanilla, coaching techniques—they are perfectly applicable. Your goal should be to reach an agreement with your partner that their behavior was incorrect, an understanding of what good behavior looks like, and a committment that they’ll try their best to exhibit the good behavior going forward. I use the “four w” mnemonic myself, asking Joy the following questions:

    1. What was done wrong?
    2. Why was it wrong?
    3. What’s the right thing to do?
    4. What will happen if the wrong thing is done again?

    I generally reserve the physical spanking part of the process for the beginning of the session, when I am looking for an admission of the mistake and the reason why it was a mistake. By the time we reach the third question, additional spanking is generally unnecessary and frankly counter-productive—that’s the “healing” part of the process. It is perfectly appropriate and, in fact, good practice to engage in hugs and cuddles after all four questions have been completed (but remember the no-sex rule, or you’ll be sorry).

    I have one other important note before I conclude. Before you begin this disciplinary process (or any disciplinary process), be sure you are in the right. Ask questions and understand fully what happened and why it happened. There are few ways to look more foolish than starting down the path of a correction and discovering you are wrong, and doing so will undermine your relationship with your partner. Once you have a complete understanding, make a decision on whether a correction is required or not. If you make a fully-informed decision that discipline is warranted, proceed with determination.

    Enjoy yourself,

    Jake

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