Posts Tagged discipline

The Virtues of Prompt Discipline

My experience, both within my relationship with Joy and also within my professional career, is that discipline, in opposition to revenge, is a dish best served hot. In other words, the best time to administer discipline is the moment a transgression is recognized.

Allow me to provide an example for us to work with in our discussion. At various times over the years, Joy has been given an assignment to practice her oral skills using a dildo. Often this assignment has been given for times when she is home and I am out—it serves as a good way for her to relish her submission even when I am not around to reinforce it in person.

The specifics of the assignment are these—Joy must use our suction cup dildo to practice giving a “proper blowjob”. A proper blowjob, for those who are not aware, requires that Joy must be stripped to panties (or completely naked), on her knees, with her hands behind her back, while she sucks. For this assignment, Joy must practice giving oral pleasure to the dildo for five minutes, timed by clock, taking the dildo as deeply down her throat as she can manage. When she has finished her five minutes, she is required to text me to tell me that her task is complete.

The benefit of such practice should be obvious. Joy has practiced a fair amount, and it has made a difference in her cock-sucking abilities. At this point Joy can take a standard 8” dildo and make it vanish entirely down her throat, a skill that she is embarrassed to discuss or even receive a compliment about, but of which she is secretly quite proud.

However, the assignment to practice is not her favorite, especially if I am not at home. Partly this is because it is humiliating for her to have to stop what she is doing, take off her clothes, kneel, and suck off the dildo. However, the humiliation also makes it exciting for her, so this is only part of the problem. The real issue, I believe, is that she resents having to take the time out of her day to perform this task. Joy very much enjoys feeling productive, and taking a break to get naked and blow a dildo interrupts her productivity.

A long time ago, back when we were relatively new to BDSM, I gave Joy the assignment described above for a week, with the stipulation that her practice be performed each day before I got home from work. Monday went fine, but on Tuesday, I never received the text from Joy that I expected.

I had brought dinner home that night, and when I got home, Joy had the counter set for us to eat. She greeted me with a smile and began to tell me about her day. I put the food down, walked over, encircled her in a hug, and asked, “Joy, what happened to the text you were supposed to send me?”

“I know…I’m so sorry. My day was so busy, and I forgot about it until just before you got home, and I didn’t have time…”

Joy was in a good mood, the counter was set, and the food was getting cold. I was looking forward to a peaceful, relaxing evening. Consider the various options I had. I could have…

  • …told her, “I understand, and I’ll let it slide this time. I understand you get busy. But be sure to get with the program tomorrow.” This would have been the worst choice, and if you want to understand why, read my post “Sweat the Small Stuff”.
  • …thought about the dinner and the good mood, decided not to derail things at the moment, and said something like, “I understand you were busy, and we’ll discuss it later. For now, let’s eat.” Once “later” arrived, I could have gone ahead with whatever disciplinary action I felt the situation called for.
  • …done exactly what I did do, and addressed the situation immediately.

I believe Joy was completely astonished at how quickly she found herself over my knee, skirt up over her back, my hand coming down on her bare bottom, and listening to a necessary lecture on prioritization and making sure she follows through on her assignments, busy or no. Her legs kicked a couple times and her hand came up to try to get in the way, but I grabbed it and held it in the small of her back until she settled in for her punishment. And when we were done, I got the suction cup dildo out and stuck it to the side of the refrigerator so that she could do the practice she had missed right there in front of me. For whatever reason, she didn’t see the discipline coming, and I’m still not certain I understand why. Dinner was a little cold by the time we got done, but nonetheless, this was the correct choice. And just in case you’re wondering, we ended the evening all wrapped up in the sheets together, spent and naked and happy in bed.

Option 1—not addressing the issue at all—was a non-starter. But let’s think about the differences between the second and third options I laid out. Even if Option 2 ended up with exactly the same spanking I gave using Option 3, Option 2—postponing the disciplinary response—would have provided a much different and less effective message than Option 3—immediate discipline.

When an Option 2 variant is employed, the message the Dominant sends to their partner is, “This matters, but it is less important to me than whatever we are doing right now.” While this is a better message than, “This doesn’t matter,” it is far less powerful than the “This is unacceptable!” message given by Option 3. If I had used Option 2 in the situation I described with Joy, when I gave her my mid-spanking lecture, I would have been telling her, “I want you to re-prioritize your day to make sure you complete your assignments” immediately after having demonstrated that completing my own assignment–dealing with her transgression–had less priority for me than dinner and a glass of wine. Clearly this would muddy the waters, and dilute the impact of what I was saying.

In addition, Option 2 variants don’t really do a good job of postponing the discipline, anyway. The Dominant has recognized the transgression and informed their submissive that it will be dealt with—how comfortable can the sub be with waiting? Joy isn’t stupid—not by a long shot. If I had said “We’ll discuss this later,” to her, she would be well aware that much of the discussion would be taking place with her bare ass up, laying across my lap. Frankly, it would have ruined our evening as Joy would dread her coming punishment and begin to build up resentment inside her.

It is much more effective and much better for all concerned to deal with any disciplinary action immediately. And allow me to share that I am not the only one in my BDSM relationship that feels this way—Joy firmly agrees. “I hate it when I know I’m in trouble,” she says. “Once I’m in your lap and getting spanked, I can cry if I need to and let it out, and when it’s over, it’s over. And I can feel better. I want to get to that spot as quickly as I can! Having to wait just sucks!”

Of course, dealing with a transgression immediately isn’t always possible. Suppose, for instance, you discover your wife is wearing panties, despite your instructions that she is never to wear panties when you are out on a date together, after you are already out in public. In a situation like this, immediate action isn’t necessarily possible, at least not in the form of a spanking. Instead, my suggestion is to embrace Option 2 above, as it is the best you can do, while at the same time, taking whatever measures you can implement to rectify the behavior. On the evening when Joy forgot and wore her panties, I required her to immediately remove them and hand them to me. Fortunately for Joy, the table we were sitting at had a long tablecloth.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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A Little Discipline

I received a question the other day from a reader in a budding D/s relationship. He is the Dominant half, and, paraphrasing, he asked me this: “Do I really have to discipline my wife? It seems like I’d be hurting her, and I don’t want to be an abuser. Can’t we just enjoy the kinky sex and leave the discipline thing behind?”

The simple answer, of course, is “Yes, you can do whatever you want as long as it works for you and your wife.” However, I am never content to stop at the simple answer–I always have to go deeper. And when looking deeper, the answer changes…it becomes something more like, “Maybe, as long as you and your wife are content to pretend.”

Several years ago I wrote a series of posts about the levels of BDSM relationships. I’ve been back and re-written those posts several times, and I’m still not necessarily really happy with them. Even so, though, I remain convinced that the concept of different levels of the Dominance and submission aspect of BDSM relationships remains valid, and one of the differentiators between levels, I believe, is enforcement of obedience through discipline.

The first level, the level where most people first become involved with BDSM, is that of the “Pretenders”. It is this level at which the Dominant husband who posed the question above currently resides. He and his wife play at BDSM and D/s–it is a game of pretend to them, in which they enjoy acting out their roles during an adventure, but any Dominance and submission ends once the scene is over, and even during the scene, the submissive submits only to activities that she desires anyway. That’s not a bad thing, by the way–I’ve received some feedback that some people don’t like the word “pretend” in this context, but I don’t mean it to be demeaning or to put down the practices in which this level engages. Any new BSDM relationship generally begins with “pretending”. It’s only through practice, familiarity and most especially trust that a greater depth can be acheived. Many people, I think, are content to stop at “pretending”, and that’s okay. However, there is a downside to doing so.

You see, eventually it becomes obvious that “pretending” is exactly what you are doing. When that happens, that power behind BDSM fades. It becomes just another toy–something that was once shiny, new and exciting, but which has now become familiar and even (dare I say it?) dull. It doesn’t mean that breaking out the cuffs and playing bondage games can’t still be fun once in awhile, but the thrill…the heart-pounding, breathtaking, chest heaving excitement that it once provided…is gone.

So if this is okay by you, and it’s as far as you want to go, that’s fine, and I wish you well. However, if you’re not content with the scenario I describe, then I believe you must embrace two concepts. The first, which I have written about numerous times, is taking your submissive partner just beyond their comfort zone. This allows your activities together to be new and fresh. The second, which is my topic for today, is discipline.

Discipline is important because it makes the submission real. To see what I mean, let’s consider a hypothetical situation involving a hypothetical couple, Louis (the Dom) and his wife, Laurie (the sub), in which no discipline is enforced. For the purposes of this example, let’s suppose that Louis sets a requirement for Laurie before they go out for dinner one night–perhaps wearing a pretty pair of lavender thong panties under her skirt. However, on this particular night, Laurie is feeling a little self-conscious and doesn’t want to wear thong panties. She refuses. In this scenario, what happens?

Well, for one thing, the thong panties do not get worn. For another, Louis is disappointed. And while Laurie, on the surface, is probably pleased that she avoided having to do something she didn’t want to do, beneath the surface, she, too, is disappointed. Isn’t the Dom supposed to Dominate? Louis didn’t do his job! And the thing is, Laurie will remember this. She will internalize the lesson that if she doesn’t want to, she can just say “No.” And so the next time she doesn’t feel like doing something Louis requires, she says “No” again. And from there, every rebellion gets a little easier, and eventually…well, there’s no longer any semblance of submission going on, is there?

Discipline counters this deterioration of the D/s dynamic because it provides consequences. If, in the scenario above, Louis enforces his requirement that Laurie wear her pretty thong panties by turning her over his knee when she refuses and paddling her bottom until it turns a lovely shade of pink, and then perhaps upping his requirement so that she must wear her thong panties and her black, anal plug under her skirt, a curious thing happens. For one, the original requirement is now met, and Louis is content. However…and here’s the curious part…Laurie, who now must comply with the requirement, is content as well. In fact, she is more content that she would have been if she’d been allowed to rebel. This is because the respective D/s roles of both Louis and Laurie have been reinforced, and Laurie is more firmly than ever convinced that her partner can and will, in fact, Dominate her.

Just as the refusal described earlier will be remembered, so, too, will the discipline and successful Domination. The effects will be lasting and positive for the D/s relationship. Not only will Laurie have added motivation to comply with Louis’s requirements, but both of them will feel more secure and confident in their roles. And best of all, Laurie will gain the feeling that she, by definition, is seeking…that she is not in control, but is instead controlled, that she may not be willful, but instead must be obedient, that she does not own herself, but is, instead, owned. This feeling unlocks the added excitement that Louis and Laurie seek from their relationship by feeding power to the D/s engine that underlies it.

Note that I advocate only consensual BDSM and consensual D/s! That means that the submissive must agree that the Dominant has the right to discipline them when they do not meet the Dom’s requirements! And yes, safewords still apply! Note, however, that the idea of a safeword can become a bit sticky in a disciplinary situation, for it is possible for the submissive to utilize their safeword to avoid the discipline they are about to receive. In the example described above, Laurie could stop her disciplinary spanking and gain her original goal of rebelling against Louis’s requirement by employing her safeword, and once again, the couple has started down the path of rebellion and the deterioration of their D/s dynamic.

This is a well-known issue, and many D/s practicioners take the stance that the safeword must remain intact, no matter what. This was originally my stance as well, but after much experience and much thought, Joy and I have modified our use of the safeword during discipline (and note that Joy, who knows herself well and recognizes that she has a temper, has agreed to this modification). For us, during a disciplinary episode, if Joy uses her safeword, I immediately cease what I am doing and check to see if she is injured or in danger. If she is, then obviously we stop. If, however, I can ascertain that she is neither hurt nor in danger, then I will continue the discipline. Clearly this requires great trust on Joy’s part that I will not abuse this privilege. However, this appears to be what works best for us.

So, to return to the original question, I would say that if you wish to have a true Dominant/submissive relationship in which the submission is real and lasting, some form of disciplinary privileges must be given to (and accepted by) the Dom.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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Submission In Spite of Herself

Joy and I have a wonderful marriage! And when one writes a blog that focuses to a large extent on a marriage, one has a tendency to hit the high points and gloss over the low ones, potentially creating the perception that every day is sunny and the music never stops playing. But I’d be lying if I told you all was always wine and roses for us. Just like any couple, we have our low points—tempers get frayed, irritation levels run high, and emotions rise. That’s simply life, I’m afraid, and we all have to live it.

Unsurprisingly, when we hit a low point it tends to impact the Dominant/submissive aspects of our relationship. When Joy’s temper is triggered, her desire to submit is one of the first things to get shoved out of the way. And honestly, my desire to possess Joy vanishes rather quickly in these situations as well—-why would one want to hold close something that is actively emitting anger vibes in all directions? Therefore, when we go through one of our periodic “down” periods, the D/s part of our relationship goes on hiatus until we can get through the downturn and come out the other side.

Over time we’ve gotten much better at this. We had one hiatus in years past that lasted for three months! Over the past couple years, though, the longest D/s drought we’ve faced has been maybe a week, and typically these days it’s only a day or three. However, I have to confess that all this time I’ve had an idea in the back of my head, and I’ve wondered for a long time whether it would work if I tried it.

My thought has been that when Joy is angry at me and refuses to cooperate with submission, in reality she actually wants to be made to submit. In other words, my inevitable response to her anger—to withdraw and leave her alone to cool off—is exactly the wrong direction to go. Many times I’ve thought that I ought to push myself to proceed in the opposite direction–turn her over my knee and spank her bottom until she surrenders, and then spread her legs and use her until I’m done with her. This is not at all my natural inclination, but I must admit the idea holds a certain attraction for me, and moreover, I believe it holds a great, though unconfessed, attraction for Joy.

The obstacle I’ve faced in taking this idea for a spin has been my wife. Though we have discussed the idea that perhaps the most beneficial time for her to submit would be when she is mad, when her temper rises, that concept goes out the window. Joy, when she is angry, projects simultaneous icy disdain and a sense of imminent volcanic eruption. There is little doubt in my mind that she would fight if I were to try to turn her bottom-up, and one of us would get hurt. I don’t want that–I will not cause her harm. And so having thought my way this far down the path, I always reach an impasse—I think I know what to do, but I am not sure how to do it. It’s been a long-standing impedance to the growth of our D/s relationship.

Recently, however, we have had a potential breakthrough. During post-coital, late night pillow talk (always a high point for communication), Joy admitted to me what I have long suspected. She whispered that she believes that when she loses her temper, she needs to be made to submit, and that it would be beneficial for her if I made her do so. I agreed, but pointed out the issue–I am not willing to physically drag her off for a spanking, and therefore she must make herself minimally cooperate.

She thought for awhile, then raised the question of how this scenario, in which she must voluntarily cooperate, qualifies as me making her submit. This is, of course, a good question. My response was that she must reach an understanding within herself that our Bedroom Dominant/submissive agreement must always apply, regardless of anger or emotion or hurt feelings. She must regard it as a given, an axiom of our relationship, one that she must comply with in the same way that she must comply with the Law of Gravity. In other words, she must act as though it simply is, and there is no choice about it. If she can go that far, that gives me the tools I need, and I can take her the rest of the way to submission, even in the heat of an angry moment.

I don’t know what will come of this discussion. At the moment, things are very happy between us, so there’s no opportunity to test. However, having Joy spontaneously admit what she wants/needs is solid progress, and hopefully it is something we can build on. Another low point will come eventually, and when it arrives, I plan to push Joy to cooperate. If she will do so, I suspect the outcome will be happy, rather than volcanic, and we’ll have taken yet another big step in our relationship. If she will not, however, it will give us more fodder for late-night, post-coital conversation…

Enjoy Yourself,

Jake

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Friday Adventure Idea: No Way to Win

Recipe for No Way to Win:

A Dominant often demands obedience from their submissive partner. “Do it,” says the Dominant, and the submissive is expected and anxious to comply. Non-compliance is not desirable–sometimes, in fact, it is understood that failure to comply may bring punishment.

But imagine if the Dominant’s demand was difficult to the point of unreasonableness. How would that feel? And further, imagine that the Dominant expected to be obeyed anyway, and that the submissive had a strong expectation of punishment for failure. Can you put yourself in the poor submissive’s shoes and empathize with their growing panic as they begin to realize that they cannot comply, but that impossibility is not an excuse?

This is the premise behind today’s adventure. Be careful, however! The tone of this scenario must be light in heart—you almost need to employ a sense of humor when enacting it. Your submissive partner should recognize that you are playing with them, and that you fully understand that you’ve placed them in a no-win situation. If you insist on a deadly serious approach, you will likely get anger, frustration and tears as a result rather than the sexual submission you are looking for.

There are many other ways to implement this concept than the one I describe below. I chose this particular approach for Joy and I due to the large number of dildos we have in our collection and the way it dovetails with our long-standing requirement that Joy use her mouth to “clean” my penis after intercourse. If you don’t have a sufficient number of dildos available to follow along with the idea below, you can certainly come up with your own unreasonable task. Just remember that making it a bit demeaning as well as difficult will help ramp up the feeling of submission for your partner.

As usual, this adventure is written from the perspective of a male Dominant with a female submissive partner. However, roles and genders can be mixed and matched as desired without impact.

You Will Need:

  • 1 set of wrist cuffs
  • 1 collar with o-ring
  • 1 snap hook
  • 1 pair of nipple clamps (optional)
  • an assortment of dildos or vibrators, preferably realistic in appearance
  • 1 spanking implement, and it is best if it’s the one that your partner finds most intimidating (for us, this is our riding crop, which Joy swears has invisible teeth in the striking end)
  • a wristwatch with a second hand or some other way to measure time

Instructions:

You want your partner to feel vulnerable for this adventure, and the way they dress should support that feeling. One option would be to ensure they wear nothing at all—nakedness certainly can induce a feeling of vulnerability. Another option would be to break out the cupless or peek-a-boo bra and permit them to wear nothing else, and finally, a babydoll nightgown with nothing underneath would work as well. I chose to be fully clothed for this adventure to emphasize the difference between Joy’s role and my own, but you may dress as you like.

I said it above, but let me repeat. Keep the tone of this scenario light! Your partner should discover relatively quickly that you have set them an unreasonable task, and grasp soon after that you are fully aware that it is not reasonable. They should see the inevitability of their “punishment” and realize that even though they are bound to fail, you expect them to try their best anyway and then submit to the spanking that they “earn” through their failure. If you start to see frustration set in, take steps to lighten the tone with what you say or how you act to help them understand the spirit of the adventure.

  1. Lay out the selection of dildos and vibrators in the room where you stage the adventure. They can just be lying on a table or on a bed, but be sure not to stand them up on end or it may actually become possible for your partner to complete the task you are about to set them. If you want to raise the submissiveness of the adventure a tad, you could even lay them out on the floor. Joy and I have easily a dozen different vibrators and dildos, and that’s plenty. You could probably get away with as few as six if that’s all you have. Ensure that your spanking implement of choice is also somewhere handy so that you can pick it up easily when it becomes necessary.
  2. Bring your partner in and instruct her to don her cuffs and collar. Caress her, hold her and kiss her to raise her excitement level as she puts them on. Ensure that the o-ring of the collar is positioned at the back of her neck.
  3. Raise your partner’s hands up behind her neck and use the snap hook to connect both wrists to the o-ring of the collar. This will place your partner in an overarm tie, and greatly restrict her ability to use her hands and arms. In addition, it will nicely expose her breasts and underarms—take the opportunity to enjoy them thoroughly.
  4. When you are ready, tell your partner that you have something she needs to do for you. Explain to her that the dildos you have laid out need a good cleaning, and you expect her to take care of it.
  5. Your partner will likely be puzzled and not know what to do. Add a bit of pressure by telling her that you have other plans after she’s done, and she should hurry and get started.
  6. When your partner points out that she can’t clean them because her hands are bound, respond by telling her that her mouth is free, isn’t it? She knows how to clean a cock with her mouth, doesn’t she? Repeat again that she needs to get started—you want her to hurry and finish.
  7. Hopefully your partner will now begin to attempt the task you have set her, but chances are good that some level of resistance will begin to build inside her. Joy gave me “the look” when I gave her that instruction, and I took the opportunity to wink at her. Remember my suggestion about keeping the tone light?
  8. Because her hands are bound behind her head, your partner will be unable to use them to assist her in the task you have set her. She will instead have to bend over and use her lips and mouth to reposition the dildos so that she can “clean” them. This will be both difficult and rather demeaning. If she tries to get away with simply licking them, hold her waist and give her several serious smacks on the bottom with your hand. Warn her that you expect her to do a good job! And tell her again to be quick about it because you have plans for her body and you don’t like to wait! Don’t accept anything less than a full-on and fairly thorough blow job of the dildo before she can call it “clean”. Feel free to impose other requirements, such as licking the base of the shaft and the balls (if the dildo comes equipped with balls).
  9. When she succeeds in completing one dildo, tell her that it took far too long, and that she must be much quicker about the rest. Set a time limit of one minute for the next one, and use the watch to time your partner’s efforts. Tell her that if she doesn’t succeed within that time limit, you’ll be forced to punish her. But…remember to keep the mood light. Be playful rather than severe and stern when you talk about punishment.
  10. If your partner somehow succeeds with the one minute time limit, either up the ante by adding to the requirements to clean the next dildo, or reduce the allotted time. Your goal is to ensure that she fail.
  11. When your partner fails with her efforts, bend her over your knee and give her bottom a sound paddling with your hand. Then tell her she has “X” minutes to finish cleaning all the other dildos (where you pick “X” to be long enough to give her time for a good try, but not long enough to succeed). Tell her that you are out of patience, and if she fails again, you will show her what a real spanking feels like. Pick up the spanking implement you have chosen so that she can see that you intend to use it, and warn her that you will be watching to make sure she does a thorough job. Then begin timing. Feel free to tap your foot impatiently if you like.
  12. Ideally your partner will do her level best to complete her task, knowing all the while that she is doomed to fail. It’s possible, however, that she will give up. If she does, incentivize her using the nipple clamps (“These will not come off until you are through!”) or by stopping the clock and using the spanking implement to administer some interim motivation, then requiring her to start the cleaning process over.
  13. When time runs out and the task has not been finished, pretend to be sad about what you are about to do. “This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you,” might be a good line to use. Then apply the spanking implement firmly to her behind until you feel you have spanked her long enough.
  14. When you are done, you may either instruct her to “clean” you with her mouth, or you may spread her legs and ride her until you reach your climax. Do not worry about her pleasure—this is not an adventure that focuses on her physical enjoyment. Rather, maximize her sense of submission and her feeling of being your toy to play with, and you will feed her mental enjoyment instead.
  15. Afterwards during cuddle time (and she will have earned some solid cuddling!), feel free to discuss what you did. If she wants to know why you set her an impossible task and punished her when she failed, tell her it’s because you wanted to remind her that she is a submissive, and that thinking about a task or worrying whether or not she can accomplish it is not listed in the submissive job description. Instead, her job is to submit, and you may choose to reward or punish her for her actions however you choose. Tell her she did well, even if she didn’t actually clean all the dildos, and that you are proud of her submission.

Commentary:

As mentioned above, there are many ways to set impossible tasks. Feel free to improvise. This adventure requires a fairly deft touch, and may be difficult for beginners! If you’re worried about how your partner will react to it and want to lighten things up a bit, consider replacing each instance of “punishment” with tickling instead. With your partner’s arms bound behind her neck, she won’t be able to defend her ticklish spots, and therefore will be at your mercy.

If you don’t have a collar, you could also forego the overarm tie and simply cuff your partner’s hands behind her back. This won’t be as artistic, but it should be just as effective.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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Friday Adventure Recipe: Reinforcing Dominance

Recipe for Reinforcing Dominance

I’ve been corresponding offline with a couple who are fairly new to the BDSM experience, and during the course of the email conversation we discussed ways to meet the submissive partner’s desire for more Domination. Answering their questions made me think of how I’ve reinforced Dominance with Joy in the past, and I thought that an example might make a good recipe for a Friday adventure.

This recipe is far less complex than many previous adventures, and unlike some of the others I’ve described, it has a purpose other than simple fun. It is meant to make the submissive submit, and by doing so reinforce the hierarchy in the relationship. It may be used as a correction if necessary, but might also serve simply to allow the Dominant to reassert their Dominance. As usual, it’s written from the perspective of a male Dominant with a submissive wife, but genders and roles could be swapped with only minimal modifications.

You Will Need:

  • 1 pair of cuffs (though you could make do without these if you prefer)
  • 1 snap hook (necessary only if you are using the cuffs)
  • Close-range spanking implements of your choice, such as a paddle, a hairbrush or a wooden spoon

Instructions:

The tone for this adventure should be serious, and you should move at a fairly rapid pace. Remember that this is about asserting Dominance—that means that you will be directive and forceful…perhaps even a bit rough. If you employ protocols or rituals (kneeling, for instance) or use honorifics (“Master” or “Sir”), now is a time to enforce them.

Your goal for the evening is to make your partner submit to you. However, always remember that your number one responsibility, far more important than causing submission, is to take care of your partner. I said you might want to be a bit rough up above—do not translate that as causing any harm to your her! Employ a safe word, make sure your partner knows it, and abide by it if your partner uses it.

There is no need to instruct your partner to dress in special lingerie for this adventure—you’ll see why when you begin. I recommend that you remain fully clothed for the duration to reinforce the proper feeling, however, and if you wear something relatively formal it will create a better atmosphere than shorts and a Mickey Mouse t-shirt.

  1. Lead your partner into the room you plan to use. You may leave the cuffs and spanking equipment out in plain sight so that she can see them. Instruct her to undress.
  2. Watch her as her clothes come off. Feel free to tell her to hurry if she is too slow about removing them. When she is naked, place the cuffs on her wrists and use the snap hook to fasten them together behind her back, so that her hands are bound behind her.
  3. Lead her to a chair or the edge of the bed. Sit down and swiftly take her over your knee, so that her bottom is in your lap. Immediately begin to administer a firm spanking. I prefer to start with my hand, but you may switch to other implements as you desire.
  4. To be effective, a spanking must hurt. Remember, however, that there is a difference between hurting and harming. Reddening your partner’s cheeks is definitely in order. Bruising may or may not be acceptable based on what you and she have agreed upon. No form of serious damage however, is permissible.
  5. Simultaneously with beginning the spanking, begin your lecture. The topic you lecture on depends on circumstances and is up to you. If you are using this as a correction, then it would probably be about the reason for the correction. However, for the purposes of this recipe, let’s go with a more general topic, one that is broadly applicable. Let’s focus our remarks on ownership and who has control in the relationship.
  6. Tell your partner that she belongs to you. Remind her that her body is yours, and you will use it for your pleasure whenever and however you want. Tell her that she seems to sometimes forget that, and that you are spanking her to help her remember. Let her know that though you love her and care for her and want her to be happy, you also expect her to do as she is told, even if she doesn’t necessarily want to do it.
  7. Make sure your partner is responding to you. Ask her questions to make her speak. “Who do you belong to? When can I have you? What if I tell you to do something?”
  8. Continue spanking all during this lecture. Remember that you want it to sting–she should be squirming and wiggling in your lap. If she tries to interpose her hands to stop you from spanking, move them aside and continue. If she says, “Ouch!” or “No, stop!” do not stop. If she employs her safe word, however, stop. Check to make sure she’s okay, then finish your lecture sans spanking. Ideally she will not reach the level of using her safe word, and if you think she’s close to needing to, you may want to back off the pace a bit.
  9. In general, the sting of a spanking fades over a few seconds. Therefore, one way to decrease the pain is to space out your blows, waiting for a few seconds before administering the next one. Another way is to alternate locations, smacking first one cheek and then the other. To increase the sting, do the opposite. Smack the same location, and make the pace of blows more rapid.
  10. When you have finished your lecture, you believe that you have made your point, and you feel that your partner is now fully compliant, lift her up and take her in your arms for a moment to let her compose herself. Then, guide her down to her knees, unzip your zipper, and make her take you in her mouth.
  11. Use her mouth firmly, and feel free to employ her hair as a handle to guide her head if you desire. When you feel yourself about to climax, remove your penis and come across her face. Then, re-insert your penis into her mouth and instruct her to clean your cock.
  12. Afterwards, hold her close and tell her what a good girl she is and how happy she makes you. She has just submitted to you—reward her for it. Remember that her desire was to be made to submit, and you have just given her that desire. Let her revel in feeling protected and taken care of, encircled by the arms that just overpowered her. Make the experience of submitting to you as positive as possible.

Commentary:

After reading this, some people may say, “Wait a minute! You spanked her and then made her give you a blow job! Isn’t that just mean? How is that fun for her?”

The answer lies in the fact that your partner wants to submit…needs to submit…is consumed by a desire for submission. I have many times read complaints from submissives that their partner isn’t Dominant enough. This simple adventure is a way to respond to that complaint and satisfy their need.

Note that it’s easily possible to dress this idea up in complexity, add bondage or other positions or other actions if desired. However, the basic premise—compel an admission of submission and then use your partner for your pleasure while specifically not giving them pleasure of their own—is what matters, and as long as it remains in place, the result should be the same.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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