Posts Tagged Bondage for Beginners

Thanks for the Kind Words

Thanks very much to those who have purchased my eBook, “Exploring Dark Dreams: A Beginner’s Practical Guide to BDSM”, and thanks especially to those who have been willing to review it on Amazon! Here’s the most recent review in it’s entirety:

  • Intrigued and braver 🙂
    5.0 out of 5 stars

    This book was obviously written by a man who first and foremost adores his wife. And only wants the best for both of them no matter what they are doing.(“Thank you Jake! I didn’t know guys like you still existed. Joy, you are a very lucky woman”.)

    I loved that this book was written in plain simple to understand terms. There’s no lingo that has to be deciphered which is great. And the advice comes from a genuine place of trial and error. I love the honesty and the reoccurring theme that communication and trust in a relationship such as this is essential.

    I look forward to following the blog site mentioned in the book. Now, I just might have enough courage to suggest to my hubby what I’ve secretly always wanted.

    If you have been the least little bit curious about BDSM….read this book!

I very much appreciate the kind words, and I’m happy the reviewer found value in the information the book provides. Whoever wrote this, thanks again for taking the time to post it to Amazon for others to read!

Enjoy yourself,


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Punishing Portia

Joy can be hard to shop for for Christmas. She has most of what she wants, and unless I’m going to go with the dreaded “practical” gifts (think new vacuum cleaner, for instance–how romantic would that be?), trying to come up with something she wants and does not already possess is a challenge. So, every year, I search for creative ideas to give to my bride.

This year, one of the ideas I had was to give her a book…something I thought she might enjoy, but would not necessarily buy for herself. Over the years of writing this blog, I have become familiar with another, fellow blogger, Renee Rose, who writes erotic fiction…specifically, erotic fiction that features spanking. And Joy…well, we all know that Joy enjoys a good spanking herself, right? So wouldn’t it make sense that she might also like a book that features spanking and BDSM in general rather prominently?

I reached out to Renee Rose before the holiday to let her know I was shopping for Joy and ask for a recommendation. And Renee Rose was gracious enough to suggest that “Punishing Portia“, a novel she wrote in partnership with Darling Adams, might make a good entry point into her works. One click on Amazon, and the deed was done! I had another Christmas gift for Joy!
It took her a few weeks to break it out on her Kindle, but once she did…well, as near as I can tell, she finished it in a single sitting. I thought I’d share some of the comments she provided after reading it, with the idea that others who feel an attraction for erotic spanking fiction might have an interest…

“The book opens with a bang, setting the tone immediately. The tension between the lead characters is palpable from the beginning. This is a fun, addictive read, and I read far past my bed time. The plot is familiar to readers of romance novels everywhere: boy wants girl, girl wants boy but really isn’t sure she does, but succumbs in the end. However, there’s a surprise at the end that only the most astute readers will anticipate.

A refreshing tidbit in this story is a credible heroine. Portia Sands is no gasping and confused twenty-something virgin. She is a successful, intelligent, experienced woman who knows her own mind, and her own dark desires. The author takes a believable woman and places her in almost-unbelievable situations, and it works.

The sex in this book is HOT! The imagery is vivid; so much that when a scene pushed up to one of my personal hard limits, I felt it. The details in the book ring too true to be figments of the author’s imagination: the writer knows what she is writing about. The next time Portia and David go on a holiday together, I want to read all about it.”

So, in other words, “Punishing Portia” was a hit with Joy. If you know someone who might enjoy a good, sexy, BDSM-themed read, this might make a good choice.

Enjoy yourself,


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The Virtues of Prompt Discipline

My experience, both within my relationship with Joy and also within my professional career, is that discipline, in opposition to revenge, is a dish best served hot. In other words, the best time to administer discipline is the moment a transgression is recognized.

Allow me to provide an example for us to work with in our discussion. At various times over the years, Joy has been given an assignment to practice her oral skills using a dildo. Often this assignment has been given for times when she is home and I am out—it serves as a good way for her to relish her submission even when I am not around to reinforce it in person.

The specifics of the assignment are these—Joy must use our suction cup dildo to practice giving a “proper blowjob”. A proper blowjob, for those who are not aware, requires that Joy must be stripped to panties (or completely naked), on her knees, with her hands behind her back, while she sucks. For this assignment, Joy must practice giving oral pleasure to the dildo for five minutes, timed by clock, taking the dildo as deeply down her throat as she can manage. When she has finished her five minutes, she is required to text me to tell me that her task is complete.

The benefit of such practice should be obvious. Joy has practiced a fair amount, and it has made a difference in her cock-sucking abilities. At this point Joy can take a standard 8” dildo and make it vanish entirely down her throat, a skill that she is embarrassed to discuss or even receive a compliment about, but of which she is secretly quite proud.

However, the assignment to practice is not her favorite, especially if I am not at home. Partly this is because it is humiliating for her to have to stop what she is doing, take off her clothes, kneel, and suck off the dildo. However, the humiliation also makes it exciting for her, so this is only part of the problem. The real issue, I believe, is that she resents having to take the time out of her day to perform this task. Joy very much enjoys feeling productive, and taking a break to get naked and blow a dildo interrupts her productivity.

A long time ago, back when we were relatively new to BDSM, I gave Joy the assignment described above for a week, with the stipulation that her practice be performed each day before I got home from work. Monday went fine, but on Tuesday, I never received the text from Joy that I expected.

I had brought dinner home that night, and when I got home, Joy had the counter set for us to eat. She greeted me with a smile and began to tell me about her day. I put the food down, walked over, encircled her in a hug, and asked, “Joy, what happened to the text you were supposed to send me?”

“I know…I’m so sorry. My day was so busy, and I forgot about it until just before you got home, and I didn’t have time…”

Joy was in a good mood, the counter was set, and the food was getting cold. I was looking forward to a peaceful, relaxing evening. Consider the various options I had. I could have…

  • …told her, “I understand, and I’ll let it slide this time. I understand you get busy. But be sure to get with the program tomorrow.” This would have been the worst choice, and if you want to understand why, read my post “Sweat the Small Stuff”.
  • …thought about the dinner and the good mood, decided not to derail things at the moment, and said something like, “I understand you were busy, and we’ll discuss it later. For now, let’s eat.” Once “later” arrived, I could have gone ahead with whatever disciplinary action I felt the situation called for.
  • …done exactly what I did do, and addressed the situation immediately.

I believe Joy was completely astonished at how quickly she found herself over my knee, skirt up over her back, my hand coming down on her bare bottom, and listening to a necessary lecture on prioritization and making sure she follows through on her assignments, busy or no. Her legs kicked a couple times and her hand came up to try to get in the way, but I grabbed it and held it in the small of her back until she settled in for her punishment. And when we were done, I got the suction cup dildo out and stuck it to the side of the refrigerator so that she could do the practice she had missed right there in front of me. For whatever reason, she didn’t see the discipline coming, and I’m still not certain I understand why. Dinner was a little cold by the time we got done, but nonetheless, this was the correct choice. And just in case you’re wondering, we ended the evening all wrapped up in the sheets together, spent and naked and happy in bed.

Option 1—not addressing the issue at all—was a non-starter. But let’s think about the differences between the second and third options I laid out. Even if Option 2 ended up with exactly the same spanking I gave using Option 3, Option 2—postponing the disciplinary response—would have provided a much different and less effective message than Option 3—immediate discipline.

When an Option 2 variant is employed, the message the Dominant sends to their partner is, “This matters, but it is less important to me than whatever we are doing right now.” While this is a better message than, “This doesn’t matter,” it is far less powerful than the “This is unacceptable!” message given by Option 3. If I had used Option 2 in the situation I described with Joy, when I gave her my mid-spanking lecture, I would have been telling her, “I want you to re-prioritize your day to make sure you complete your assignments” immediately after having demonstrated that completing my own assignment–dealing with her transgression–had less priority for me than dinner and a glass of wine. Clearly this would muddy the waters, and dilute the impact of what I was saying.

In addition, Option 2 variants don’t really do a good job of postponing the discipline, anyway. The Dominant has recognized the transgression and informed their submissive that it will be dealt with—how comfortable can the sub be with waiting? Joy isn’t stupid—not by a long shot. If I had said “We’ll discuss this later,” to her, she would be well aware that much of the discussion would be taking place with her bare ass up, laying across my lap. Frankly, it would have ruined our evening as Joy would dread her coming punishment and begin to build up resentment inside her.

It is much more effective and much better for all concerned to deal with any disciplinary action immediately. And allow me to share that I am not the only one in my BDSM relationship that feels this way—Joy firmly agrees. “I hate it when I know I’m in trouble,” she says. “Once I’m in your lap and getting spanked, I can cry if I need to and let it out, and when it’s over, it’s over. And I can feel better. I want to get to that spot as quickly as I can! Having to wait just sucks!”

Of course, dealing with a transgression immediately isn’t always possible. Suppose, for instance, you discover your wife is wearing panties, despite your instructions that she is never to wear panties when you are out on a date together, after you are already out in public. In a situation like this, immediate action isn’t necessarily possible, at least not in the form of a spanking. Instead, my suggestion is to embrace Option 2 above, as it is the best you can do, while at the same time, taking whatever measures you can implement to rectify the behavior. On the evening when Joy forgot and wore her panties, I required her to immediately remove them and hand them to me. Fortunately for Joy, the table we were sitting at had a long tablecloth.

Enjoy yourself,


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Many women believe that being beautiful means being perfect (or as near to it as humanly possible). They therefore strive for perfection–perfect hair, perfect teeth, a perfect smile, a perfect figure, a perfect manicure–and make every effort to mask their perceived flaws, their “imperfections”. However, I believe that this assumed axiom–perfection equals beauty–is fundamentally wrong.

When considering a hypothesis, it is often useful to look at the extremes, the “edge cases”, to see how the hypothesis reacts when it is pushed to its farthest boundaries. The limits are often where a hypothesis fails, and therefore where it can be most easily proven flawed. Let’s consider the idea perfection = beauty when it is carried to an extreme.

Let’s picture a world where all women are physically perfect. “Perfection”, as defined in the USA in today’s culture (established, of course, by the media and entertainment industry), would likely mean that everyone would have blonde hair, blue eyes, be athletic, 5′ 10″ tall, weigh 130 lbs and have D-cup breasts. So that’s exactly what all women, everywhere, would look like.

Now, let me ask you, in this world that we are imagining, what woman would be beautiful?

The answer, of course, is none. The females in this imaginary world are all the same–none can be differentiated from any other. In this world, no woman would be beautiful. What they would be, from a physical perspective, is monotonous. I submit that at the edge, the perfection = beauty hypothesis fails. Instead, we discover that perfection = uniformity = boredom.

Do you know who would be beautiful, though? A stranger, introduced into this world we picture, who has a “flaw”. Perhaps she would have dark hair, or brown eyes, or a crooked tooth, or a freckle on her cheek. Perhaps her body-type might tend more to 160 lbs than 130, she might be shorter or her breasts might be B-cups, or she might have a bit more softness and a bit less muscle. Perhaps she might have many of these “flaws” rather than just one. It doesn’t matter. Because she would be unique, she would immediately be the most interesting and attractive woman in the world.

It is precisely our imperfections that differentiate us from everyone else in the sea of sameness, that make us stand out, that make us attractive. True beauty, for woman or man, lies in the imperfections.

This is a large part of the reason that I am not, in general, a fan of things like breast enhancements. Cosmetic breast enhancement serves as a way to allow a woman to try to copy what she perceives to be the perfect breast. In other words, it allows her to change the distinctive breasts she has owned from birth to match, as closely as possible, some sort of “perfect” ideal. This is also why I generally prefer the unshaven look to a completely bare pubus–removing all pubic hair also removes the individual variations of pubic triangle that each woman possesses, and replaces them with sameness. For both breast and bush, I suggest that it is usually far wiser to capitalize on the uniqueness that each individual has been given than to try to change to conform to “perfection”.

One of the issues Joy struggles to overcome when we engage in a BDSM adventure is the feeling she sometimes gets that she is on display. She feels that she is part of a “show” that I orchestrate for an audience–in this case, an audience of one…me…but an audience, nonetheless. She is usually naked or semi-clothed, she is bound in a compromising position, and I pay close attention to her every move and reaction. Being on display this way exposes, in her mind, her every flaw. All her imperfections are visible and unmistakeable and on parade, and she becomes very self-conscious.

Sexual excitement can help her overcome this feeling, but even at her most excited, it frequently remains a problem. When Joy reaches orgasm, she worries afterwards about how she looked, and whether she did anything stupid or foolish or ridiculous in the throes of her passion. About the only thing that really eliminates this concern for her is if she feels that I, her “audience”, was so distracted by taking my pleasure in her body that I could not possibly have been “watching” her.

Joy is correct in her belief that I see her imperfections when we are together. Of course I see them, just as she sees mine. What she is wrong about, however, is her belief that I see them as flaws. After these many years of marriage, I know her body, its shape and curves, and I revel in it. The things she believes I see as a shortcomings, I instead regard as endearing and distinctive. They are the small things that, together, add up to define the physical shape of Joy. They are the qualities that make her beautiful. Of course I love them, just as I love her.

Sadly, it is difficult for her to accept this. Sometimes I wish that Joy could see herself through my eyes, the way that I see her…that might truly be the only way for her to understand.

Enjoy yourself,


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Thank You

Just wanted to write a quick note of thanks to all those who have purchased my book, Exploring Dark Dreams: A Beginner’s Practical Guide to BDSM! I really appreciate your support, and I hope that you find it helpful, educational, interesting, or all three.

I’ve learned a tiny bit about the e-Publishing business on Amazon in course of writing and publishing it (though I am by no means anywhere close to being an expert–for a true professional in this area, see Renee Rose, the author of many highly entertaining, erotic romance novels that prominently feature spanking as part of the story), and as I understand it, e-Publishing depends on a sort of snowball effect to become successful. One must first get sales, which drive placement of one’s book higher in the Amazon rankings, which raises the book’s visibility. This drives more sales, which again, in turn, increases rankings, and so on…you see how it works.

The trick is, of course, to start the snowball rolling. So, once again, I appreciate all who have purchased it, and if that includes you, I have a favor to ask. Yes, this is a bit presumptuous…after all, you’ve already done me the favor of buying the book. However, those who have purchased it are the only one’s who can help with this particular favor.

I’d like to ask you to review the book on Amazon. Reviews are another way to become more visible and become ranked higher, and they can convince a potential reader who is on the fence about making a purchase to go ahead and buy. If you enjoyed my book or found the information in it useful, it would be really helpful if you said so in a review.

My apologies if that’s asking a lot–as I said, I really appreciate all you’ve done already, and if the review is too much, so be it. However, if you’re able to assist with this, I would be very grateful.

Sorry for the non-BDSM-themed post. LCSB will return to more traditional themes with my next post, which I am already working on…

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