Posts Tagged bondage techniques

After All, Practice Makes Perfect

One of the techniques I use to assert Dominance over Joy is to require her to perform (sexual) tasks. There have been lots of different tasks over the years: going panty-free and wearing skirts for a week, for instance, or wearing her anal plug for several hours a day. These tasks assert Dominance because they require Joy to do something that I choose for her, and that she would not ordinarily do herself. Ideally they also make her at least a bit uncertain or uncomfortable (though sometimes I think she enjoys that anal plug a bit too much) so that she must make herself comply with my requirement—that way it is clear to her that she is doing what she is told rather than what she wants.

Performance of these tasks tends to excite her. In fact, that’s one of the primary benefits they provide–they arouse her and keep her excitement at a high level. Upon occasion, we’ve been able to keep things at a nice simmer for upwards of a week, leaving her bubbling and boiling with arousal during the day, bringing things to culmination at night, and then returning her once more to the heat the next morning. Weeks like that are rather fun, I have to tell you.

The task that seems to increase her arousal the most, however, I use only infrequently. I don’t want it to lose its magic due to overexposure, so I limit it to once every few months. It is, in some respects, the hardest task for Joy to complete, because it so egregiously violates her sense of propriety and her sense of what society says she ought to like. Perhaps that’s exactly why its effect is so strong upon her.

The task is simple. We own a suction-cup dildo, a nice, black rubber one, about seven inches long, with a good strong suction so that it will stay stuck wherever you put it. I lay it out in the playroom, along with a condom.

Joy is to go by herself to the playroom. She must stick the dildo to the wall at about waist height. She must unwrap the condom and place it over the dildo. She must get down on her knees and spend five minutes giving the dildo the best blow job she knows how to give, taking it deep into her mouth and down her throat. She must imagine that it is a real cock, and do her best to make it come.

When she is done, she may remove the condom and throw it away, and return the dildo to its storage location. And then she must notify me that her task is complete. Note that I am nowhere in the vicinity when she performs this task—in fact, I usually assign it during times when I know she will be home alone. She typically communicates that she is finished via text.

Now, on the face of it, this doesn’t really sound hard to do. Joy is quite happy to give me a blow job whenever I want one, so the physical act isn’t the issue. However, in this case, you see, it’s not me that she’s blowing. She has to give the blow job to an inanimate object, by herself, without me present. Moreover, she has to get down on her knees and suck it for a considerable time. The actions she must take can be seen as somewhat humiliating, and because I am not there, she gets no external reinforcement for her performance–she must rely solely on her own will to comply. This is difficult for her even on the surface level.

However, there is much going on beneath the surface of this task. When she performs it as instructed, Joy symbolically gives head to another cock, a stranger’s cock. She does so because I instructed her to. Even though I’ve never explicitly explained this to her, don’t think that she hasn’t realized what I am asking and what she is doing–my wife is a smart woman, and I’m quite certain she understands both consciously and subconsciously. In the fantasy that I require her to play out, she submits to me by performing the task and submits to the fictional owner of the pretend cock by going down on her knees and sucking him off. The idea that she must place a condom on the cock first (necessary, by the way, due to the taste of the rubber it’s made out of, but helpful to the situation nonetheless) makes the whole act seem more real.

Joy feels very funny about this whole experience. She tells herself over and over that she should not enjoy it, that it’s something she should resent, that the whole thing is pretend anyway, and that she doesn’t understand why I’d want her to do it in the first place since I’m not even there to see. I know this because she’d told me so. But despite her misgivings and how often she repeats them, here’s how effective this little exercise is. In bed the evening after the second time I required her to perform the task, she broke down and confessed that afterwards, after she’d finished her five minutes of oral services, she couldn’t help herself. She pulled off her pants and panties, turned around, and backed up onto the dildo, using it to fuck herself. And she confessed that she’d done the same thing the first time I assigned the task to her.

I’ve set her this task two times since her confession, and each time afterwards, she’s again found herself finishing up by turning around and taking the dildo into her moist and willing pussy, over and over again. And each night, when I’ve returned home, I’ve found her all riled up and ready for action, hardly able to wait until bedtime.

Mission accomplished.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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Much Ado About Patience

I know I’ve written on this theme before, but this topic has been one I’ve definitely learned the hard way, and I think it bears repeating. A successful Dominant must have many different character traits, but one of the most important is often overlooked. That particular trait is patience.

Perhaps that is a bit surprising. After all, don’t Dominants insist that their partner obey them? Don’t they demand compliance? And don’t words like “insist” and “demand” imply the opposite of patience?

My experience has been that demands and insistence fail rather spectacularly in a consensual BDSM relationship. You see, there’s that important concept of “consensual” in the equation, which means that both partners have to agree to participate. When the Top starts “demanding” and “insisting”, generally it also starts to raise fear and resentment in the bottom, both of which serve to erode their consent.

When one insists on something, it implies there is resistance that must be overcome, perhaps even an outright objection that must be overridden. When one demands something, it carries a connotation of immediate response. These two verbs fit the stereotypical view of BDSM, in which the Dominant makes their submissive partner obey even if they don’t want to.

Personally, though, I don’t believe that within the bounds of consensual BDSM any submissive ever gets made to do something they truly don’t want to. Oh, sometimes they may consent to engage in a specific act they don’t particularly enjoy, but they consent because by doing so they achieve a higher goal—to make their partner happy, for instance, or to feel more submissive. A Dominant cannot make their partner do anything within consensual BDSM, because their partner can always say no. Insisting and demanding are two of the best ways to trigger “no” that I can imagine.

Instead, the task of the Dominant is to introduce opportunities for their submissive partner to do things that they secretly long to do, but are afraid or ashamed to admit…sometimes even to themselves. Dominants provide an excuse for their partners to act out their hidden fantasies and help them to overcome inhibitions that might prevent them from doing so. In a way, the Dominant’s role is to lead their partner in an exploration of their own self, and to support them during that exploration.

Where does patience come into this picture? Well, often the submissive partner is simultaneously both attracted to and afraid of an area of exploration. It both calls to them and repulses them all at the same time. Insisting that your partner go forward or demanding that they go quickly tend to accentuate the negative aspects to the point that they outweigh any attraction. However, patience…patience can allow fears to subside and inhibitions to be overcome by desire, enabling progress.

How does one employ patience in this area? Here are the hard-won lessons I think I’ve learned to date:

  • If you want to try out something new, especially if you have indications that it’s potentially dicey, be content to plant a seed. Introduce the concept to your partner in a basic, non-threatening way. For instance, if you want to try out bondage, you might try bringing a simple blindfold into your bedroom activities. Enjoy it with your partner and then…put the blindfold away for awhile. Let the seed you planted have time to sprout. Your partner will have a chance to get used to the idea of what you have done together, and hopefully even to wonder when you might see fit to try it again. Once interest has had time to grow, you can return and see about taking things further.
  • When pushing into new territory, or if revisiting an area that is known to be dangerous, go slow! If you’ve just started exploring corporal punishment, don’t jump immediately to a whipping post and the single tail! Move from a brief, relatively gentle bare hand spanking to a longer, over the knee spanking, and then the next time perhaps introduce a paddle. Proceed one small step at a time, and you’ll find you’ll go farther than you would if you tried to take giant leaps.
  • Don’t be afraid to retreat. If an activity is not being well-received, stop and change direction. Go back to something more familiar that you know your partner likes. Afterwards, talk about what you did and how your partner felt about it. Think about your partner’s reaction and try to read between the lines to determine whether there was any hint of interest there. Consider possible alternate paths towards your goal. And remember, even though you had to abandon what you had planned, you have nonetheless managed to plant a seed as described in the first bullet above above. Perhaps, after some time for it to flourish, you might be able to return to this same idea with better results.

All three of these strategies require patience—they cannot succeed without it. If you have the self control to be patient, however, you’ll be surprised how far you can lead even the prudest partner. Remember, inside every prim and proper man or woman is a naughty boy or girl locked away. Your job as the Dominant is to help find the keys to let them out into the sunlight once in awhile in circumstances where they can feel safe enough and free enough to play.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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Anticipation Can Be Half the Fun

It’s certainly fun to be spontaneous, and it can be very fun to take your partner unawares with a pair of cuffs concealed behind your back and a ball gag in you back pocket. “Surprise, honey!” But you know what? It can be lots of fun taking the opposite approach, too. One way to set the proper atmosphere for an adventure is by giving your partner plenty of advance notice. Anticipation can be your friend.

Suppose that sometime during the day, you tell your partner that you will be having them that night. That way, as they proceed through the routine of their day, they can think about what lies ahead later in the evening. Maybe you even instruct them on how they should prepare–what they should wear, for instance, or some props to obtain and have handy…a couple wax candles and some 80 grit sandpaper, perhaps. No need to go into extreme detail about what you’re thinking–let your partner imagine what they might be doing in a few short hours, and their heat level will start to build.

You needn’t tell them in person–sometimes it’s more effective to provide your instructions long distance, so they can’t respond or see your expression and body language. You could email or text them a list of instructions so that they are ready when you both arrive home. Or you could leave them a card where they’ll get it when they walk through the door. In either case, they’ll be thinking about your plans for the remainder of the day, and they’ll be so very ready when it comes time to put them into action.

And by the way, it does not necessarily need to be the dominant partner who does the notification. What if the person playing the submissive role texted something like, “I’m sorry–I’ve been very bad today. I think I’ll need a good spanking tonight!”? Do you think that might start the dominant partner’s mind racing down the path to where the submissive partner wants to go? And while I know that some might start thinking this verges on the notorious “topping from the bottom”, I’d reply that the submissive partner is merely making a suggestion in this case, or perhaps even making a respectful request.

It’s also possible to communicate the desired message entirely non-verbally. The submissive partner could simply dress the part for dinner, sitting down to eat in lingerie, for instance, with cuffs and a collar. I know that when Joy did that the other night I certainly got the message she wanted to send! Or the Dominant partner could leave a blindfold in a place where their other half is certain to see it (on their pillow, possibly?). Or the Dom could simply pull their partner to them, hold their hands behind their back or over their head, kiss them, and then release them and go back to what they were doing, leaving them to wonder what might be coming later. Any or all of these say everything that needs to be said to start anticipation working in your favor.

Everyone wants to go fast these days, and get their pleasure NOW! But I think Carly Simon was right…sometimes, letting time work in your favor and allowing a long, slow burn to build into a raging fire can make the experience even more intense.

Enjoy yourself!

Jake

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Magic

”I don’t like to be tied up.”

Every once in awhile in my relationship with Joy, I get to work magic. I know you probably don’t believe in magic, but in this case, that’s what it feels like. I get to make an obstacle, something that’s been blocking our progress, vanish, and through some sort of BDSM theory of relativity, its disappearance creates a massive burst of excitement that burns for Joy and I like fire in the darkness. It may not require a wand or a book of spells, but it’s magic nonetheless.

Like all good acts of sorcery, this requires lengthy preparation. In fact, the best way I can think to describe the process is to liken it to planting a flower. Growing something from seed is magic of a kind, and to do so successfully takes considerable time and effort. First I must prepare the soil, making sure the seed bed is fertile. Then I carefully choose and place a magical seed, covering it lightly and leaving it there hidden in the warm, dark soil. Over time I must carefully water and nourish it, watching over it to help it grow. If I have chosen wisely and do a good job of taking care of it, the seed will sprout and I can force it to bloom. And in the act of flowering, it will imbue Joy and I with its power, transporting us to a new plateau of Dominance and submission, granting us extraordinary feelings of arousal and excitement, and providing us with some of the best sex of our lives.

”I’m sorry, I can’t make you come in my mouth. It’s gross! I don’t like it.”

Naturally, I’m not really talking about working spells or even gardening here. Instead, I’m talking about those wonderful, enchanted moments when a submissive, despite what they have told their partner and despite what they have told themselves, discovers that they can and will, in fact, do something they said they never would. And if the Dominant partner did a good job of selecting the proper magic seed to plant, the submissive finds that not only can they do it, and not only will they do it, but that they actually want to do it. In fact, they often realize that they secretly desired to do it all along.

To a large extent, this is a reference to the process of overcoming limits. Limits are a meaty topic and one I’ve written about before, so I’m going to refer you to my previous posts for definitions and more description if you want to read about them. For today, suffice it to say that there are many types of limits, and in general, I’m focused more on soft limits in this post (though limits have a way of changing over time, and what was once hard can sometimes become soft) as they are more malleable and easier to work with.

”Oh, I could never do that! You’d never respect me again if I let you into my ass!”

Working with limits is dangerous and touchy territory. Proceeding slowly, watching your partner for caution signs and taking satisfaction in incremental progress are definitely in order here! Be willing to take a step back now to obtain two steps forward later. And remember the following:

  • We practice only consensual BDSM. Forcing your partner to do something they truly do not want to do is not permissible—don’t do it!
  • Trust is paramount here! Betraying your partner’s trust, even in a minor way, will lead to failure. Mean what you say and say what you mean when working with a limit, and show understanding and patience rather than frustration.
  • ”Baby steps.” Say it with me! “Baby steps!” Remember the flower metaphor I used above. It will almost certainly take months for whatever flower you plant to bloom, and it may well take years. It’s also possible you selected the wrong seed and it will never flower. But taking baby steps and being patient gives you the best chance for success.

”The thing I’m afraid of is being tied spread-eagled to the bed. I’d be too helpless!”

Planting one of these magic seeds is relatively easy—it can be as simple as mentioning the action or situation you desire, though it helps if you bring it up in a situation when your partner is receptive to hearing about it. However, deciding on what seed to plant presents one of the biggest challenges for the Dominant partner. Partly that decision is governed by what you, as the Dominant, want. If you’re not interested in pony play, why plant a seed for it? But to a great extent it’s governed by the submissive partner as well, and that presents a challenge. How can you tell what limits might prove to be overcome-able?

Until science develops that mind-reading device I’ve been waiting for, I’m afraid my best advice is the following:

  • Plant more than one seed. That way if you guess wrong on one, you have others growing away unseen underground. Another advantage to this is that the seeds grow individually and at different rates, so when one blooms, another may already be half-way to maturity.
  • Listen to your partner when you bring up the act or situation you are interested in, but listen with your eyes as well as your ears. How do they react? Was there any sign of interest despite what their words said? Do they react differently to the idea when they are in the throes of passion (and therefore ruled by their desire) then when they are fully clothed and sitting in the kitchen?
  • Remember the line I’m about to mis-quote from Shakespeare—“Methinks he doth protest too much.” My experience with Joy has been that the acts she immediately declares out of bounds sometimes prove the most fruitful to focus on, especially if her actions betray interest and belie her words.
  • Use any external knowledge you have about your partner to help make a determination. For instance, Joy hates the sight of blood in all situations, and anything that triggers that association for her immediately turns her off. Because of this, we’ll never pursue any sort of edge-play. She has a hard limit there, and any seeds sown around this topic would be futile.

”I could never do that with another woman!”

Once the seed has been planted, leave it alone for awhile. Remember too much water kills a plant just as surely as too little. If you bring up the act you desire day after day, or even week after week, you’ll create a feeling of pressure that will be counterproductive. Plant your magic seed and let it be. Come back after a month or two and check gingerly to see if it needs water. Take your very first baby step towards it and see what happens. Use your partner’s reaction to gauge when the ground needs moisture, but err on the side of too little rather than too much. With luck, patience and perseverance, you’ll begin to see signs of sprouting.

How do you water the seed you planted? That very much depends on your partner, the act or situation you are striving for, and you. In other words, I can’t tell you what you should do. However, in general, I’ve found that approaching your desired activity slowly, leveraging fantasy to help lead toward reality, and using your partner’s own hidden desires to assist you all can play a key role.

There’s much more that could be said on this topic, but I’ve probably droned on long enough for today. As a final note, l wanted to point out that all of the italicized quotes that have appeared in this post are things that Joy at one time or another said to me. All of them represented limits that she defined in our relationship at some point. All of them have since been overcome. And while I took credit above for being the one to work these acts of magic, the reality is that I only instigated them. Joy did the really hard work herself, and we only succeeded where we did because she wanted us to.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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Bondage Positions for Blow Jobs

Bondage Positions for Receiving Blow Jobs

Before I begin, I want to remind readers that I am a bondage pragmatist. In other words, I prefer function over form and simplicity to complexity when it comes to bondage. I am absolutely certain that someone, somewhere has created the perfect bondage position in which their partner hangs suspended upside down from the rafters in a web of lovingly crafted knots, placing their mouth at the perfect height to administer an oral favor. However, that someone is not me, and I’m not going to focus on complicated systems of restraints like that.

Instead, I’m going to focus on quick and easy positions that deliver against what I consider to be the two primary criteria when combining bondage with receiving a blow job. Those criteria are:

  • Control and it’s antithesis, helplessness: This is, after all, the reason for bondage in the first place. A good bondage position maximizes the Dominant’s control and emphasizes the helplessness and vulnerability of the submissive.
  • Oral Accessibility: The quality of a blow job depends on the recipient’s ability to make effective use of their partner’s mouth. Positions which block access or deny adequate movement reduce the pleasure of the experience.

With that in mind, I submit that there are really just two optimal positions for a bound blow job. Other positions in which oral sex is possible certainly exist—the hog tie, for instance—but while they should not be overlooked, they do not provide the same quality of experience as the two best options. These two options deliver quality in spades!

  • Option 1: Kneeling, Hands Bound Behind

    To implement this position, bind your partner’s hands out of the way behind them and then place them on their knees while you stand before them. Their ability to lean forward and back, use their knees to adjust their height and angle of attack, and freedom to move their head as desired provide excellent oral accessibility and makes this a wonderful blow job experience. More than that, the act of kneeling in front of you while you stand creates a delicious feeling of submission for them, while the fact that their hands are restrained and out of the way allows you to grasp and guide their head as you desire (aren’t ponytails wonderful?) and finish the experience as you see fit.

    Hands may be bound in a variety of ways. The simplest option is to simply cuff them behind your partner’s back, but you may also cuff each individual wrist to the corresponding ankle, or if you have a bondage belt, cuff them to the connection points at each side. Or, to heighten the feeling of submission to its maximum, cuff your partner’s hands together, pull them up over and behind their head, and attach the cuffs to the connection ring at the end of an already-inserted Rope Master (and if you don’t have one of these, now would be the time to get one!).

  • Option 2: Lying Face Up, Head Hanging Off the Edge of the Bed

    To place your partner in this position, arrange them so that they lay face up on the bed with their head extending just over one edge. Stretch out their hands and legs and secure them to the bedframe using cuffs, ropes or other connections. When properly positioned, your partner’s head will tilt down and back, giving you full access to their mouth and a wonderful angle for deep throat penetration.

    The previous position allowed your partner to move to provide you with pleasure. In this position, however, they have little flexibility for movement. Instead, their mouth is positioned to allow you to thrust into it, essentially giving you free rein to use their mouth. Again, this position creates an excellent sense of Domination and submission, and as a bonus, it enables you to play with your partner’s outstretched body while you take your pleasure if you desire. If you truly want to maximize the feeling of helplessness for them, consider introducing a ring gag, which prevents them from being able to close their mouth while still allowing you to penetrate.

    Care must be taken to ensure that you are not overly rough when using this position. Your partner cannot prevent you from thrusting as deeply as you want, and therefore opportunities for going excessively deep and triggering a gag reflex abound. Be gentle, especially if you have not tried this before! As with the first position, you have control over how and where you choose to finish, with many lovely options provided by the scenic vista spread before you.

  • One thing to note is that this post assumes that the Dominant partner is the one receiving the blow job. If your relationship dynamic is such that the Dominant partner will be giving the blow job instead—a perfectly valid configuration–a whole different menu of options opens. But those options will need to be covered in another post…

    Enjoy yourself,

    Jake

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