Just because I’m the Dominant doesn’t mean that Joy never says no to something I want to do. Of course she does! Everyone has limits, including Joy, and her use of “no” informs me that whatever action I’ve initiated has run up against one those limits. At one time, hitting a “no” used to discourage me. But no more… These days I hear “no” with a whole different outlook.

Some “no’s” are exactly what they seem—a flat rejection with no ifs, ands or buts. Joy, for instance, has a serious phobia around needles and anything that might draw blood. For us, any sort of piercing or edge play is completely off the table. It doesn’t matter whether or not I want it, because Joy cannot go there. This type of “no” is impermeable, and simply needs to be left alone. There are also “no’s” based on good sense—a suggestion to do something truly illegal, for instance, might trigger this kind of objection. Hopefully I am a wise enough Dominant to avoid this kind of thing on my own, but if not, Joy’s “no” should be firm and inviolable.

However, there’s another, more common type of “no”, and this type warrants far more scrutiny. This kind of “no” is said by the lips, but contradicted by the body’s physical response. This kind of “no” tells the story of a river bank of fear and inhibition being undercut by a strong current of desire. If I can strengthen that current, then eventually the bank will collapse. All I need is patience and persistence.

When I lead Joy into new territory and she tells me “no”, I watch carefully. If her body shows signs of physical arousal, that’s a very positive sign. And I listen! One might think that a powerful denial, one with a bit of an edge to it, would indicate that an area is completely out of bounds. However, one would be wrong. Joy often says “No!” loudest to the activities and situations she most desires.

My first realization of this phenomenon came back before we started playing with D/s, when I first suggested the idea of having anal sex. Joy’s response was clear and strong. She told me, “I could NEVER let you do that! I would not be able to respect myself afterwards!”

I knew this was bologna. As I listened to her I was thinking, “But I know that you want it! I can see how you react when I put my finger in your behind, how excited you get, how much easier it is for you to come when your bottom is full.”

A “no” must be respected—I backed off. I was discouraged, but wise enough to know not to give up entirely. And this was the right thing to do. A few months later in the throes of passion, Joy confessed that she’d been thinking about my suggestion ever since, and she wanted to try it. Try it we did, and these days anal sex has become one of her favorite things.
This pattern has been repeated several times. It was repeated with bondage. It was repeated with spanking. It was repeated with sex with another woman. And it is in the midst of being repeated with several other activities right now, each of which is part way through its eventual evolution from forbidden to permissible to desirable. Time and the patience to accept incremental progress enable the process to happen. When the evolution is complete, the internal struggle within Joy is resolved, and she is able to come to terms with the formerly-unacceptable act that she so secretly desired.

The unresolved areas of conflict that lie behind these “no’s”, the places where Joy’s desire is at odds with her inhibition, serve as wells of power for our Dominant/submissive relationship. I tap them frequently and they lend their energy to our encounters. Oh, I don’t use them all the time—that would be too much of a good thing. But several times a month I leverage one or the other of the limits we are working on, and the touch of adrenaline they add is sweet and strong.

Rather than being discouraged when Joy says “no” to something, I take it as a positive. In fact, I use her “no’s” as a sort of virtual map of BDSM, each one marking a fertile area of exploration. Oh, if it becomes clear that it is one of those flat rejections I mentioned above, I’ll mark off the territory as inaccessible. However, this is rare. Most of the time when she says “no” to some specific scenario or action, I think to myself, “Then that is exactly what I am going to eventually make you do.” I don’t have one hundred percent success with this, but my track record is pretty good, and I can’t think of anything I’ve truly given up on yet.

Submissive readers, fair warning! Sometimes when you tell us “no”, we Dominants hear a different message.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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