To reset our scenario, you are interested in introducing your partner to the joys of bondage, but are afraid that he or she may be too conservative to give it a try. In Step One, we stuck our toe into the bondage pool by bringing a blindfold into the bedroom. Hopefully it was well-received! If you followed my advice, you’ve now waited for at least a couple weeks, and have had several “normal” sexual encounters between then and now. Perhaps your partner has mentioned the blindfold, or perhaps not. But as long as they had fun while wearing it and have not said anything like, “I never want to do that again!” you’re ready to move on to step two.
Just as an aside, if they did not have fun, or if they have expressed a desire to forego all blindfolding in the future, you should talk to them and ask why. If you can have a conversation, you might be able to understand what the obstacle is. You might also consider offering them a chance to switch things out and see if they’d have more fun playing the dominant role and putting the blindfold on you. Who knows? That might make for an enjoyable evening, too!
But let’s take the happy path, shall we? Let’s assume that there were no major issues and that the blindfold was at least a qualified success. And now, if you’re like me, you want to try it again, only you want to go a little farther down the bondage path. Before we go too far, though, let’s review our…
Rules for Introducing Bondage into your relationship:
1) Go slowly, and take one baby step at a time
2) Always leave them wanting more
The second rule is the reason we have waited at least a couple weeks since our first adventure. If your partner enjoyed wearing a blindfold, they’ll be wondering when/if you’ll put one on them again. They’ll also have had time to internalize the experience—to mentally digest it, and get used to the thought that they both permitted and enjoyed it. In a way, it’s like their mental equilibrium needs time to adjust, so that they can envision themselves as someone who actually kind of likes being blindfolded during sex. By the time you move on to step two, you want your partner to be at least curious, and hopefully even eager, to try being blindfolded again.
But now let’s check the first rule. This one tells us we need to not push ahead too fast. If we go too fast, we risk crossing the “that was different and exciting” boundary and over into the realm of “that was too wild for me and a little scary”. That’s not a place you want to go—if you end up there, it can be hard to ever really recover.
One option that you could choose would be to simply use the blindfold again. The advantage of going this way is that your partner shouldn’t have a problem with it (in fact, it may be exactly what they believe they want), and it will further accustom them to the whole idea of granting you control during sex. However, unless your partner was very uncertain about the first blindfolded experience, I’d counsel against this for two reasons. First, if you’re like me, it won’t be enough for you. You want to take another step, damn it, not repeat the first one! And secondly and more importantly, your goal for bondage in your relationship should be to take your partner just past where they are comfortable. If you did step one right and have waited the necessary length of time since then, they are now reasonably comfortable with the idea of being blindfolded. It’s time to take them just beyond that comfort zone.
There are lots and lots of ways you could accomplish this. For instance, you could buy them some pretty or even bondage-themed lingerie and ask them to wear it before you blindfold them and “take” them. But I recommend the tried and true, well-beaten path. I recommend that you buy some cuffs.
Yes, you could just use an old scarf or bandanna to tie their hands behind their back or over their head. But you improvised last time with the blindfold. This time, I’d suggest that it’s better to convey the message that you’ve thought things out, and have made preparations.
Don’t get metal handcuffs—they feel too brutal and uncomfortable for a first-timer. Instead, buy some bondage cuffs. There are a bunch of kinds! If you like fuzzy, get fuzzy. If you like leather, get leather. If you like the kind with buckles, get those, and if you prefer Velcro, get those instead. But whichever kind you choose, make sure that they’re the real article—no toys. You want your partner to understand that they will be placing themselves in your hands once they have them on.
If you can, get matching cuffs for both wrists and ankles—a matched set will make a good impression. You can skip the ankles if you choose, but it will make the experience less intense. Prepare the room where your adventure will take place in advance—make sure that you have a connection point set up for each hand and, if you have ankle cuffs, each foot. Have lengths of rope or chain sized and available to make the connections, with a snap hook ready to attach each end to the appropriate cuff. Ideally, you should have these already connected and the cuffs in easy reach. Personally, I like to surprise Joy with things, so I’d keep everything handy, but out of plain site. However, if you prefer or you think your partner would not like to be surprised, it’s okay to have them out in the open. Just be prepared to answer questions–“I thought we could try something new,” might be a good tack to take.
Be sure to choose a night when your partner’s mood is right for something experimental. Take your time and warm up together—cuddles, kisses and caresses. If they’re not already in lingerie, I’d suggest gradually taking off your partner’s outer clothing and leaving them in their underwear, so they will feel vulnerable, but not too vulnerable.
Be gentle and sensitive to your partner’s reaction when you put on the cuffs. If they are hesitant after you buckle the first one on, go slow–tell them you’ll wait to until they are ready to put one on their other wrist. If your partner doesn’t want to proceed, then STOP! But if they are relaxed, move on to the second cuff.
It’s up to you whether you want to use a blindfold and when you want to put it on—either before or after the cuffs. You can also choose the position you want to bind your partner in, though I’d suggest you keep it basic and comfortable. The simplest is probably lying on their back on the bed, with their hands bound over their head. This also makes it easy to use the ankle cuffs if you have them.
When I first placed Joy in bondage, I used an eye hook that I’d placed in the ceiling of our “play room”. I put it in a couple days in advance so she’d notice it, but I didn’t tell her what it was for. Before we got together that inaugural night, I hung a chain down from the eye hook. When she walked in, she saw it, but still didn’t realize its purpose. She seemed a little unsure when she saw the cuffs for the first time, but let me put them on her wrists. Then I escorted her up off the bed to stand under the eye hook. She looked up at the chain hanging down and knew what was coming, and her breath started to come out in gasps. When I lifted her hands over her head and fastened the cuffs onto the chain, her nipples popped out like cherries against her pretty bra.
That’s the reaction you’re hoping for when you snap the cuffs onto your connection points. Make sure you don’t confuse fear with excitement, though—if you’re not positive how your partner feels, it’s okay to ask, “Are you okay?” If the answer is no, then set them free! But if the answer is yes, now is the time to dedicate yourself to making sure your partner has the single most pleasurable night of their lives. Give them all the things you know they like. Don’t be selfish—you’ll get plenty of pleasure through future sessions. Your goal is to make this an extremely positive experience—one they’ll remember and want to repeat for years and years.
When you have both finished (or if they start to get uncomfortable), let them loose and then stay close. Give them cuddles and caresses. Stay with the “best night of your partner’s life” theme. Talk about the experience if they want to, but if not, that’s okay, too. Make sure you end the evening on a positive note.
Starting with the next day, follow the same strategy as you did after step one. Don’t bring up the cuffs, the blindfold, or anything about the experience. If your partner brings it up, you can tell them you enjoyed it, but don’t go into detail. Let them wait, and wonder, and let anticipation build up inside them.