Archive for category General Bondage

Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds – the Book

I have finally completed something I’ve been threatening to do for a long time. I have written an e-book. Joy assisted in both the editing as well as adding a few contributions of her own. It’s called “Exploring Dark Dreams: A Beginner’s Practical Guide to BDSM”, and it’s available via Amazon.

It is meant to provide information for people who are curious about, who are just starting out exploring, or who fantasize about bondage, Domination/submission, and sadism/masochism. It covers everything from BDSM basics, to safety, to equipment, to techniques, to adventure starter ideas. In short, it’s a guidebook to help you get started on your journey.

It’s available just in time for Christmas, so if you know a couple who might benefit from adding a little D/s to their relationship (I personally know at least two!), it might make a fun gift. It might even make a good gift for a partner who you hope to convince to play our sort of reindeer games with you.

Full-disclosure—while there is original content in the book, much of it is pulled from the years of blogging I’ve done on this site, and you could gain most of the information it provides by going back and reading through all my various years of posts. However, the book puts it all together in a logical, coherent format and makes it easily portable. Plus, you can’t give a blog to someone for Christmas.

Hopefully it’s also a fun read. If you buy it, thank you! And if you buy it and enjoy it, a review on Amazon would be much appreciated!

Enjoy yourself,


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Of Ropes and Breasts

When it comes to bondage, I’ve mentioned before that I tend to be a chains and cuffs kind of guy rather than a rope aficionado. For me, the bondage is a means to an end—I want Joy to feel helpless, and cuffs and chains (or adjustable ties) accomplish that goal effectively and efficiently. While I recognize the artistry that true rope experts can engage in with their complex webs of knots and strands, it’s simply not my cup of tea. The scent of the warm leather cuffs and the clink of the chains as Joy struggles against her bonds calls to me far more strongly that an artistic tie.

Even so, there are times when cuffs and chains simply won’t work, or at least won’t be very effective. In those situations, rope becomes the best option, and because of that, we include several lengths of bondage cord in our arsenal of equipment. The most common situation that requires me to “bust” out the rope is when I decide to bind Joy’s breasts.

Why bind Joy’s breasts, you ask? Doing so doesn’t really make her more helpless or restrain her in any way. What’s the point?

Well, there are actually several points (including two “points all her own, sitting way up firm and high” as Bob Seeger once put it).

  • The first is that it excites Joy. I confess that I’m not quite sure why this is so—I suspect it’s more the concept that her breasts are bound than any physical sensation—but the fact remains true nonetheless.
  • Second, there is no denying that the sight of Joy’s bosom nicely framed by black bondage cord is quite captivating. I definitely enjoy the view when we go this particular direction.
  • Third, the constriction of her tender flesh causes the blood to collect in her breasts, which has the interesting effect of making her nipples become even more sensitive than usual. This extreme sensitivity is highly desirable, in my opinion, regardless of whether we have sensual stimulation or something more…cruel…in mind.
  • And speaking of something cruel, the final good point is that binding Joy’s breasts provides extra support, in somewhat the same way as a bra, helping them to stand out proud from her body and framing them up nicely for the spanking I am about to deliver to them.

Yes, spanking is where we usually end up. Sometimes I use my hand, sometimes our leather slapper, sometimes even the crop or the switch, but in general, when they are bound, Joy’s breasts get a bit of slapping around before we are through. The combination of fear, pain and sexual energy excites her so—Joy is never wetter than when she gets her tits thoroughly spanked. And an added bonus is that they remain tender and therefore more sensitive than usual for a couple days afterwards, a fact that can be utilized for all kinds of fun in follow up adventures.

In most cases, binding breasts cannot be effectively done using cuffs or a chain—there’s no good way I’ve ever found to connect cuffs or chain to a female breast. However, for a reasonably busty female (Joy is a C cup), a rope is both flexible enough to wind around the body and can get enough purchase on the skin to grip a breast nicely. Problem solved!

There are several ways to bind the female breast, but as you know, I tend to favor the simple. Here’s a link to an instructional video that will show you how to create the same tie that I often use for Joy—I recommend it if this is your first time trying this form of bondage.

One other word of advice—the bosom is a tender part of a woman’s body. Rope that you buy at the grocery store or the local Home Depot isn’t necessarily made for use on delicate skin, and may easily abrade the tissue. Because of this, I suggest purchasing rope specifically made for bondage. Not only will it look nicer, but it’s designed for use up against human skin, and will keep abrasion to a minimum.

Enjoy yourself!


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Love-Hate Relationship

Joy hates to have her breasts spanked.

It hurts, after all. Whether I use my hands, or a flogger, or our lovely crop, there’s no doubt that it causes pain. Plus, it’s not pain that ceases immediately once the spanking is over. Joy reports that she can be quite sore all the next day and tender for a day after that following a nice evening of smacking the crop down upon her nipples, over and over, as she writhes in her bonds. This remains true even though I use a delicate combination of gentleness and cruelty, striving to walk the proper line between them.

Add to that the fact that it’s her breasts that we’re talking about! Joy very much enjoys having her bottom spanked, despite the fact that it, too, hurts. However, she is far more protective of her breasts than her bottom, and far more concerned that they might be harmed in some way. A bottom is made to take a bit of abuse–it’s what we sit on, after all. Female breasts, however, are delicate by nature. Joy worries that I might leave marks from the spanking, and I have to confess that even despite being careful, the possibility of bruising her pale, tender flesh remains a real possibility.

Oh, Joy truly dreads to have her breasts spanked–the combination of fear and pain causes her to break out in goosebumps whenever she guesses that this particular activity might be on the night’s menu. Once the first smack descends, she whimpers and struggles against her bonds, straining to get away.

…and yet…

Joy becomes extremely excited when her breasts are spanked.

Just the thought makes her heart pound. I usually don’t enlighten her with my plans in advance, but as I lay out the implements she often divines the possibility that her breasts may be due for attention. Her breath catches as I place the cuffs upon her wrists, and as I draw her arms up and fasten them out of the way, leaving her chest defenseless, her nipples come erect. She squirms as I insert the gag and draw it tight around the back of her head.

When I pause between smacks and stroke her between her thighs, she is sopping. The adrenaline courses through her, magnifying the effect of every touch, every caress. When I end the spanking and enter her, I find her three-quarters of the way to orgasm already. It doesn’t take Joy long at all after having her breasts spanked, and when she comes, she comes hard, her face twisting and her toes curling, a wordless expression of strain and release bursting from her throat. Her orgasm seems almost dragged out of her–she could not prevent it even if she tried.

Oh, having her breasts thoroughly and relentlessly spanked as she is helpless to prevent it holds great excitement for Joy, so much so that it can overpower the fear and pain. It’s a love-hate thing. Joy both dreads and desires, wants and despises, loves and loathes to be spanked on her breasts. She’ll tell me she doesn’t like it, and yet, when she knows it’s a possibility, I can watch her arousal level rise. If given the opportunity, might she ask for it of her own volition? I’m quite certain that even Joy, herself, doesn’t know the answer to that question.

But that’s the beauty of all this, isn’t it? Joy doesn’t need to face this quandary. It is not her choice. I choose for her and remove the indecision. And Joy is free to both love and hate, all at the same time.

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Open Mouth, Insert Gag

I regard gags as primarily ornamental, because they don’t serve much of a functional purpose in a BDSM adventure. In fact, from a functional view, what they mainly do is get in the way of any kind of oral activity, including such basics as kissing or oral sex. They aren’t really effective at preventing the wearer from making noise (that’s a movie trope that doesn’t survive contact with reality), though they can make it hard to speak intelligibly. And for most common types, the wearer is actually able to spit out the gag if they so choose.

So with all those negatives, why do I frequently employ a gag when frolicking with Joy? Partly because they are so ornamental! Well, “ornamental” probably isn’t a big enough word. Perhaps a better way to put it would be to state that Joy and I often use a gag because of the strong psychological effect (as opposed to physical function) that it has. Part of this is the decorative, or ornamental, aspect, but there’s more to it than that.

Gags severely increase the feeling of helplessness and vulnerability in the wearer through two different mechanisms. The first is that they restrict the ability of the wearer to easily speak. This subconsciously increases the wearer’s feeling of being at risk even when they are in a safe environment, as they relenquish the ability to use verbal communication as a defense mechanism. The ability to say “No!” is a basic, first means of defense which is learned in childhood. When a gag is worn, the wearer perceives that they no longer have the ability to say “No!”, and that helps them to feel defenseless.

The other mechanism that gags tap into to increase feelings of vulnerability has to do with the wearer providing access to their mouth. The mouth is a sensitive body part, and one that is associated closely with one’s health and well-being. It is also an opening into the body itself, and the capacity to close it to deny access is taken for granted. When a Dominant employs a gag, they require the submissive wearer to allow something to be placed into their mouths that (in theory) the submissive cannot remove. In addition, some types of gags do not permit the wearer to close their mouths, leaving them open and defenseless.

The psychological impact of these two phenomena should not be underestimated. And it works both ways–I gain power over Joy as she relinquishes it to me. I read something in a blog post somewhere that has stuck in my mind because it helped capture the feeling a gag creates. I’m afraid I can’t remember the blog or the poster to properly credit them, but paraphrasing in a huge way, it said something like…

“My favorite vision to behold in a BDSM scene is the moment just before the submissive takes the gag. This is the moment of decision, when they must choose whether or not to open their mouths and accept it. Their emotions play across their face as they struggle with their instincts, and when their mouth opens to permit the Dominant to insert the gag, it is the purest expression of submission.”

I’ve butchered this quote—I’m certain that the original writer did a far better job than I of capturing that moment. But hopefully this conveys at least a pale shadow of the concept. By taking the gag into their mouth, the submissive tells their Dominant partner, “I surrender myself unto you.”

Joy and I have used a number of types of gags, but our current favorite is the a type of penis gag, as we find it to be the most severe and therefore the best at creating this feeling of helplessness. There is nothing like seeing Joy’s eyes get big when I bring it out, and watching her moisten her lips before she opens them to take in the artificial cock, knowing that she will not be permitted to spit it out. However, other types of gags each have their own devotees, and Joy and I employ others as well when it suits my plans for the evening.

So, to answer the question in the title of this post, I use a gag partly for its decorative aspect—seeing Joy bound with her mouth filled is a beautiful sight. However, mostly I use a gag because it helps Joy feel powerless to resist and enables her to better submit to me, allowing us both to experience a more powerful and exciting adventure.

Enjoy Yourself,


It’s All a Game

In the end, consensual Dominance and submission is a game. It’s a game that a couple plays together, each partner fulfilling their own role. There are a set of “traditional” rules to follow, but the couple tweaks those rules as necessary to fit their own, individual needs and desires in a sort of kinky “Calvinball”. When played correctly, there are no losers—both partners play on the same side, and both win together. And when it is played correctly, it is fun. D/s engages the couple’s hearts, minds and libidos, mixing them in a churning mass of excitement and intimacy and fulfillment.

Oh, I know some people play the game very seriously—they might describe it more as a way of life than something that they play at. However, the fact that it is consensual, that each partner agrees to abide by the rules they have set and has the option to withdraw from the D/s arrangement at any time, makes it a game rather than a reality. That’s not meant to be disparaging, by the way. D/s is the best game I know—the one that has given me the most pleasure, and the one that I have enjoyed playing the most.

Because it is a game, D/s is more a luxury than a necessity. People play at things when they have leisure time, when the necessities of life have been met and they have time and resources to be able to expend against something fun. Many people would say that D/s is decadent, and in a sense, I suppose it is. Only situations where couples have free time and extra energy to spend together in private allow for consensual D/s. If you have to scratch to live and support your family, you have no time to play games. More than that, the stress that comes from uncertain living conditions can eat away at the trust necessary between the partners to allow D/s to flourish. Without sufficient trust, the game comes to a halt as one or both players decide not to participate.

Games are important, however. Maslow’s pyramid does not end at the subsistence level. We reach for the higher levels to try to attain happiness once basic needs are met. While I suspect Maslow may have had less carnal pursuits in mind, D/s and BDSM clearly fall into the “self-actualization” category, the highest tier of his pyramid. By engaging in D/s, we become more than we were before we started, and our relationship together becomes more than it was as well. It is something that we aspire to, together, as a couple.

In the past, I have stated my belief that a bedroom D/s arrangement may not be entirely stable. Dominance and submission tend to creep–they expand, slowly, outside the walls of the bedroom. This can happen both in physical ways and in mental ones. It takes active vigilance to stop them from gradually consuming more and more space within the relationship they inhabit. One cause of the issues that Joy and I are currently working our way through seems to have been that our D/s has crept beyond the bedroom, especially within Joy’s mind and self-image.

It can be quite easy to forget that it is all a game. It can be easy to forget that what one does is not the same as what one is…or perhaps, to fight the fear that what one does may be what one becomes. Joy, who has a strong will and a powerful intellect, has struggled with that. The boundaries of the bedroom weaken and blur, and she begins to feel lost in submission, as though it is threatening her ability to exist as her independent self outside of the boudoir.

As Joy and I have worked through the recent issues we’ve been having around D/s, many contributing factors have come to light. The failure to perceive BDSM as only a game, and the sense that it has expanded beyond the bedroom and into her normal life both appear to be causes. This is a lesson for me–part of the fun of D/s comes from making it seem as real as possible, but I must bear in mind not to make it too real, and to help Joy to remember that we play together.

Lessons learned for both of us…

Enjoy yourself,


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