Archive for category Dominance/Submission

Thanks for the Kind Words

Thanks very much to those who have purchased my eBook, “Exploring Dark Dreams: A Beginner’s Practical Guide to BDSM”, and thanks especially to those who have been willing to review it on Amazon! Here’s the most recent review in it’s entirety:

  • Intrigued and braver 🙂
    5.0 out of 5 stars

    This book was obviously written by a man who first and foremost adores his wife. And only wants the best for both of them no matter what they are doing.(“Thank you Jake! I didn’t know guys like you still existed. Joy, you are a very lucky woman”.)

    I loved that this book was written in plain simple to understand terms. There’s no lingo that has to be deciphered which is great. And the advice comes from a genuine place of trial and error. I love the honesty and the reoccurring theme that communication and trust in a relationship such as this is essential.

    I look forward to following the blog site mentioned in the book. Now, I just might have enough courage to suggest to my hubby what I’ve secretly always wanted.

    If you have been the least little bit curious about BDSM….read this book!

I very much appreciate the kind words, and I’m happy the reviewer found value in the information the book provides. Whoever wrote this, thanks again for taking the time to post it to Amazon for others to read!

Enjoy yourself,


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First Review

Just got the very first review of my e-book on BDSM, Exploring Dark Dreams, on Amazon. I don’t know who this reviewer is, but thanks very much for the kind words, and glad you enjoyed reading it. Hope it proves useful!”

“Incredibly (deliciously) detailed. Everything you ever wanted to know in delightful and easy to follow descriptions. Loved how the author used straightforward language and honesty to set the scenes and keep the reader interested. I read this in chunks so I had plenty of time to absorb everything. Great book for beginner’s and the curious. Oh, and the voyeurs 🙂 Highly recommend!!”

Enjoy yourself,


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The Virtues of Prompt Discipline

My experience, both within my relationship with Joy and also within my professional career, is that discipline, in opposition to revenge, is a dish best served hot. In other words, the best time to administer discipline is the moment a transgression is recognized.

Allow me to provide an example for us to work with in our discussion. At various times over the years, Joy has been given an assignment to practice her oral skills using a dildo. Often this assignment has been given for times when she is home and I am out—it serves as a good way for her to relish her submission even when I am not around to reinforce it in person.

The specifics of the assignment are these—Joy must use our suction cup dildo to practice giving a “proper blowjob”. A proper blowjob, for those who are not aware, requires that Joy must be stripped to panties (or completely naked), on her knees, with her hands behind her back, while she sucks. For this assignment, Joy must practice giving oral pleasure to the dildo for five minutes, timed by clock, taking the dildo as deeply down her throat as she can manage. When she has finished her five minutes, she is required to text me to tell me that her task is complete.

The benefit of such practice should be obvious. Joy has practiced a fair amount, and it has made a difference in her cock-sucking abilities. At this point Joy can take a standard 8” dildo and make it vanish entirely down her throat, a skill that she is embarrassed to discuss or even receive a compliment about, but of which she is secretly quite proud.

However, the assignment to practice is not her favorite, especially if I am not at home. Partly this is because it is humiliating for her to have to stop what she is doing, take off her clothes, kneel, and suck off the dildo. However, the humiliation also makes it exciting for her, so this is only part of the problem. The real issue, I believe, is that she resents having to take the time out of her day to perform this task. Joy very much enjoys feeling productive, and taking a break to get naked and blow a dildo interrupts her productivity.

A long time ago, back when we were relatively new to BDSM, I gave Joy the assignment described above for a week, with the stipulation that her practice be performed each day before I got home from work. Monday went fine, but on Tuesday, I never received the text from Joy that I expected.

I had brought dinner home that night, and when I got home, Joy had the counter set for us to eat. She greeted me with a smile and began to tell me about her day. I put the food down, walked over, encircled her in a hug, and asked, “Joy, what happened to the text you were supposed to send me?”

“I know…I’m so sorry. My day was so busy, and I forgot about it until just before you got home, and I didn’t have time…”

Joy was in a good mood, the counter was set, and the food was getting cold. I was looking forward to a peaceful, relaxing evening. Consider the various options I had. I could have…

  • …told her, “I understand, and I’ll let it slide this time. I understand you get busy. But be sure to get with the program tomorrow.” This would have been the worst choice, and if you want to understand why, read my post “Sweat the Small Stuff”.
  • …thought about the dinner and the good mood, decided not to derail things at the moment, and said something like, “I understand you were busy, and we’ll discuss it later. For now, let’s eat.” Once “later” arrived, I could have gone ahead with whatever disciplinary action I felt the situation called for.
  • …done exactly what I did do, and addressed the situation immediately.

I believe Joy was completely astonished at how quickly she found herself over my knee, skirt up over her back, my hand coming down on her bare bottom, and listening to a necessary lecture on prioritization and making sure she follows through on her assignments, busy or no. Her legs kicked a couple times and her hand came up to try to get in the way, but I grabbed it and held it in the small of her back until she settled in for her punishment. And when we were done, I got the suction cup dildo out and stuck it to the side of the refrigerator so that she could do the practice she had missed right there in front of me. For whatever reason, she didn’t see the discipline coming, and I’m still not certain I understand why. Dinner was a little cold by the time we got done, but nonetheless, this was the correct choice. And just in case you’re wondering, we ended the evening all wrapped up in the sheets together, spent and naked and happy in bed.

Option 1—not addressing the issue at all—was a non-starter. But let’s think about the differences between the second and third options I laid out. Even if Option 2 ended up with exactly the same spanking I gave using Option 3, Option 2—postponing the disciplinary response—would have provided a much different and less effective message than Option 3—immediate discipline.

When an Option 2 variant is employed, the message the Dominant sends to their partner is, “This matters, but it is less important to me than whatever we are doing right now.” While this is a better message than, “This doesn’t matter,” it is far less powerful than the “This is unacceptable!” message given by Option 3. If I had used Option 2 in the situation I described with Joy, when I gave her my mid-spanking lecture, I would have been telling her, “I want you to re-prioritize your day to make sure you complete your assignments” immediately after having demonstrated that completing my own assignment–dealing with her transgression–had less priority for me than dinner and a glass of wine. Clearly this would muddy the waters, and dilute the impact of what I was saying.

In addition, Option 2 variants don’t really do a good job of postponing the discipline, anyway. The Dominant has recognized the transgression and informed their submissive that it will be dealt with—how comfortable can the sub be with waiting? Joy isn’t stupid—not by a long shot. If I had said “We’ll discuss this later,” to her, she would be well aware that much of the discussion would be taking place with her bare ass up, laying across my lap. Frankly, it would have ruined our evening as Joy would dread her coming punishment and begin to build up resentment inside her.

It is much more effective and much better for all concerned to deal with any disciplinary action immediately. And allow me to share that I am not the only one in my BDSM relationship that feels this way—Joy firmly agrees. “I hate it when I know I’m in trouble,” she says. “Once I’m in your lap and getting spanked, I can cry if I need to and let it out, and when it’s over, it’s over. And I can feel better. I want to get to that spot as quickly as I can! Having to wait just sucks!”

Of course, dealing with a transgression immediately isn’t always possible. Suppose, for instance, you discover your wife is wearing panties, despite your instructions that she is never to wear panties when you are out on a date together, after you are already out in public. In a situation like this, immediate action isn’t necessarily possible, at least not in the form of a spanking. Instead, my suggestion is to embrace Option 2 above, as it is the best you can do, while at the same time, taking whatever measures you can implement to rectify the behavior. On the evening when Joy forgot and wore her panties, I required her to immediately remove them and hand them to me. Fortunately for Joy, the table we were sitting at had a long tablecloth.

Enjoy yourself,


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Friday Adventure Recipe (Christmas Edition) – Spanking and Coming

Recipe for Spanking and Coming

Okay, push has come to shove. Tonight’s the night when people really find out whether they are on the naughty list or the nice list! Will Santa be kind or deliver nothing but lumps of coal?

Of course, in reality, everyone belongs on both lists. We are all nice sometimes, and at other times…well, let’s just say that everyone has their moments. This recipe will enable you to illustrate that point to your submissive partner, as it mixes punishment and reward together.

The punishment, appropriately enough, will be spanking. The reward will be a ferocious orgasm. We will leverage the body’s strange capability to turn pain into sexual excitement to ensure that the intensity of the experience is greater than the sum of its two parts. To add to the excitement, we will also introduce a strong element of helplessness. Ho ho ho!

As usual, I write from the point of view of a male Dominant with a female submissive partner, but you could easily adjust this exercise to fit other relationship configurations if required.

You Will Need:

  • One spanking implement of your choice (could be your hand if you prefer)
  • One large pillow, suitable for placing under the hips of your submissive partner
  • One set of wrist cuffs
  • One set of ankle cuffs
  • One collar
  • One gag (optional)
  • A bed (hopefully you have one of these!)
  • Three adjustable ties
  • Four snap hooks
  • Three connection points, one centered on the headboard of your bed, and one placed at each of the bottom corners of the bed.
  • Your absolute best-est vibrator suitable for clitoral stimulation (the more effective, the better–I suggest a Magic Wand style, but other types can also work)


Place the spanking implement and the vibrator out of sight, but no harm in leaving the other equipment in plain view. For this adventure, I suggest that you start with your partner fully clothed–part of the fun is that you are going to surprise them. You, too, can wear your street clothes, but the addition of a Santa hat placed at a jaunty angle on your head is a nice touch that can help your partner get in the proper holiday spirit.

Note that we will be using the collar as a connection point rather than just for ornamental purposes in this scene. Care must be taken to ensure that at no point your partner is at risk of choking, and do not leave them alone once you have attached their collar.

  1. Find your partner, wherever she may be in the house. Politely, but insistently, interrupt whatever she is doing, and guide her to the bed where you have made your preparations.
  2. Once there, place the cuffs on her hands and use a snap hook to connect them behind her back. Don’t answer any questions, and ignore any protestations (unless, of course, the safe word is employed). If using, insert the gag into your partner’s pretty mouth and buckle it in place to cut off any further dialog–we don’t need any conversation from this point forward. Buckle the collar around her delicate neck.
  3. Unfasten your partner’s pants and remove them (if she’s wearing a skirt, you can leave it on if desired). Remove your partner’s panties so that she is naked from the waist down.
  4. Place the pillow horizontally across the middle of the bed, then firmly escort your partner forward onto the bed, so that she lays face down, with her head about a foot from the headboard and her hips over the pillow. You should end up with a lovely view of her upturned bottom, raised up slightly by the pillow underneath it.
  5. Use the first adjustable tie to connect the ring on your partner’s collar to the connection point on the headboard. Remove slack, but do not pull tight–you want to be sure there is no restriction to your partner’s breathing. The goal here is to keep your partner’s head down and oriented toward the headboard, nothing more.
  6. Place the ankle cuffs around your partner’s ankles and buckle them tightly. Use the remaining adjustable ties to connect each ankle to the corresponding connection point at the bottom corners of the bed. Remove excess slack in the ties–pull them relatively tight. You should end up with your partner’s legs fastened so that they are spread apart and she cannot close them.
  7. At this point, your partner should be bound face down over the pillow, with her hands fastened behind her back and her naked bottom raised and ready. Explain to your partner that while you are no elf, you are assisting Santa this year, specifically when it comes to evaluating your partner’s conduct. You have found her to have been both naughty and nice at various times over the course of the year, and therefore you will be administering both punishment and pleasure.
  8. Take a moment to admire your partner’s behind. Caress it, kiss it, run your fingers up between her legs. The goal here is to create “interest” before you begin in earnest. Check to see if she is wet, and use your hand and fingers to build her excitement as desired.
  9. Now, locate your spanking implement, and begin the “punishment”. Feel free to deliver a Christmas lecture if you desire–something about giving, consideration of others, thinking positive…whatever you feel is appropriate. Spank to the taste of you and your partner, but remember that we want at least some pain here. As your partner’s level of arousal increases, the pain and pleasure will tend to mix and become one, but the pain component must be present for this to occur.
  10. Now, take a brief pause in the spanking, and introduce the vibrator. Place it exactly where your partner likes it most and let it work it’s magic. Under no circumstance should you allow her to come, but you can get her heading firmly in the right direction.
  11. Give the vibrator a rest and return to the spanking for a moment or two. Then return to the vibrator. For the next several minutes, take turns first spanking, then pleasuring your partner with the vibrator. Be careful, though–we still want to be sure there are no orgasms!
  12. When you are ready, begin simultaneously spanking and pleasuring your partner. Use one hand to employ the spanking implement, and the other to hold the vibrator in the right position. You will likely find that your partner can now handle more pain than usual, so it may be best to increase the ferocity of the spanking a bit.
  13. When your partner begins to come (note that I do not say “if”), don’t stop. Keep spanking and keep the vibrator on her clitoris, no matter how she bucks and heaves and whimpers. Keep going until you are convinced she can absolutely handle no more.
  14. Stop the spanking and remove the vibrator. Unfasten your pants, unlimber your penis and immediately take your pleasure in your partner. You may go into either her front or back door–the choice is yours. Enjoy her thoroughly!
  15. When you are done, unbind your partner and pull her close. Hold her tight and tell her what a wonderful Christmas present she is, and how grateful you are to have her. Likely she will be completely spent and require some time to gather herself–this would be an excellent time for a nice holiday nap together.


Clearly this does not need to be a holiday adventure–you could easily remove the Christmas elements and enjoy it any time during the year. You could also forgo the collar entirely by connecting your partner’s hands to the headboard instead of behind her back–that would certainly work, but I have to say that I, personally, would miss the magic sight of Joy’s hands twisting futilely in their cuffs as she comes and comes. Also, the addition of an anal plug can add an extra “zing” to the scene if desired.

Enjoy yourself, and merry Christmas!


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I find that physical contact, bare skin to bare skin, is highly beneficial in a couple’s relationship. Note that I’m not referring simply to sex in this case, though sex certainly does bring skin-on-skin contact with it. I mean plain old “pressed up against your partner, hold them close with nothing between you” skin-to-skin contact. There’s something about it that seems to extend beyond the physical sensation—it reinforces a mental and emotional bond that can reach far deeper than just giving each other an orgasm.

A number of studies have been done on this topic, primarily from the perspective of a mother and her newborn baby, but also between couples, and they tend to confirm my finding. Everything from better sleep to improved immune systems to greater perceived general happiness can be correlated to skin-on-skin contact between partners, at least according to the research that’s been done. I’m not sure I can speak to the immune system, but I can definitely confirm that Joy and I have found benefits!

Here’s how I work things to ensure that Joy and I spend sufficient time together bare-to-bare:

When we go to bed at night, Joy is permitted to wear nothing more than a nightgown. Pajamas or anything with pants are not allowable, and Joy may not wear anything (including panties) under her nightgown. I typically sleep naked. Ideally, I’d prefer for her to sleep naked as well, but she gets cold easily and I am a benevolent Dominant–the nightgown seems to provide the best way to accomplish my goal and yet allow her to feel warm.

The beauty of the nightgown (in addition to easy access to crucial parts of Joy required for any late-night romping that may be called for) is that I can pull it up and touch as much of Joy as I’d like, skin-to-skin. And that’s what we do. When we are ready to go to sleep, we lie side by side, spooning. I pull Joy’s nightgown up in the back so that her bare bottom nestles up into my hips, and slide one arm under her neck so that she can lay her head across it. I bring the other hand up over her, slip it up under her nightgown and cup her breast in my hand, feeling her nipple press into my palm. And I hold her like this until we fall asleep, our skin in contact all up and down our bodies.

During the night, after we’re unconscious, we naturally separate, and by morning, we are both generally asleep on our own sides of the bed. However, on weekends, when we can sleep in, I almost always slide over to her side of the bed and pull her against me in the same position, bare butt against me and breast in my hand. I hold her that way until either she wakes up, or I feel compelled to get up and make the coffee, whichever comes first.

We didn’t used to always do this. Oh, the nightgown and no panties has been a long-standing requirement, but we didn’t always sleep like spoons. Instead, this was the way we went to bed sometimes, when we were feeling particularly close. There were also nights when Joy and I were not feeling particularly close, when I had gotten on Joy’s last nerve, for instance. (Yes—I know it’s hard to believe that could possibly happen—I don’t understand it either.) On those nights, we went to sleep on our own sides of the bed, a great, cold no man’s land of empty covers between us. And then there were the in-between nights, neither close nor distant, and on those nights, we might lie side-by-side or something like that.

But over time I noticed something. When we went to sleep this way, spooning skin-on-skin, we woke up happier. Joy seemed like she fell asleep faster in my arms, we woke up feeling closer and more intimate, and our mutual desire for each other seemed to be stronger as well. Holding Joy like this while she slept became one of my favorite things, and I began to look forward to weekend mornings early for the express reason that I could wake up first and simply enjoy the peace and contentment of holding her. Having noticed this trend, the next logical question to try to answer was, “Was this simply a correlation, or was there causation involved?” In other words, was the skin-on-skin contact the reason for these good effects, or was it just another pleasant side effect of the good mood we were in when we went to bed that particular night? With that question in mind, I decided to implement a test.

I made it a rule—we were to always go to sleep in this position, with Joy in my arms, her bare ass snugged up against me and her breast in my hand. It made no difference whether Joy was happy with me or mad, feeling romantic or feeling tired—this was how we were to go to bed, and any reluctance or complaint on her part would not be tolerated.

At first, Joy wasn’t really happy with this, especially on nights when she wasn’t really happy with me. However, complaining got her immediately spanked, and after a couple quick sessions across my knee, she realized that I was quite serious—even when she was angry with me, she was going to sleep with her bare self in my arms. And I discovered something very interesting.

On nights when Joy is angry (or frustrated, or tired, or less-than-happy for some other reason), she initially resists. Oh, not actively—that will get her bottom paddled—but by acting wooden, holding herself stiff and refusing to relax. However, as we lie together and I hold her, her muscles gradually begin to loosen up. It’s hard to stay angry when someone is holding you so closely and gently and intimately. She begins to get sleepy, and soon enough she is pushing herself back up against me, fitting her sweet bottom into the curve of my hips. Her breathing deepens, her body twitches and I can tell she is asleep. There is something about lying with my arms around her bare body that helps her to release her anger and frustration and find peace.
We wake up happier as well, especially on mornings where we have time to cuddle, skin-on-skin, before we get up. And there is definitely an increase in desire as well—many, many mornings find me entering her from behind as she sleepily positions her hips to allow me better penetration. Fights seem less frequent, and in general, Joy seems less flammable, as if the enforced intimacy of our bedtime cuddle acts as a form of relationship flame retardant.

It is difficult to say for certain whether the bare skin contact is the true cause of these phenomena—perhaps there’s some other hidden cause that is the actual driver. If so, however, I can’t see it. And the benefits seem to be real. The rule I described above has been in place in our house for over a year-and-a-half now, and I have no intention of relaxing it. Joy doesn’t want me to relax it either—when I travel, she tells me she has a hard time falling asleep without my arms around her. Perhaps it’s just a habit, but we both look forward to bedtime and the lovely feeling of closeness and intimacy our skin-on-skin contact provides.

Would you benefit from something like this, too? Well, every couple is different, but research suggests that you might. Besides, what’s the downside of giving it a try? If nothing else, you’ll have a nice chance to hold your bare partner in your arms, and what could be better than that?

Enjoy yourself,


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