Archive for category BDSM Errors

Preheat Your Oven

A week or so ago, Kitty the Submissive Wife left a comment on the importance of “preheating” as part of a BDSM scene. For those of you who don’t necessarily follow my blog quite as religiously as I’d hope, “preheating” is the tongue-in-cheek term I use to describe foreplay and the general process of raising your partner’s excitement level in my Friday Adventure Recipes each week. Now, I have to say that I very much agree with Kitty–preheating is at least important and often even essential! However, despite the fact that I agree with this, and even though I remind myself over and over, there is no mistake that I make more often than failing to wait for Joy’s temperature gauge to “ding” before I begin our activities in earnest.

Why does this happen? Because I’m anxious to get to the good stuff, of course! You know, the good stuff–all those detailed plans I’ve made, all the orifices to be filled and pleasured, all the clamps to be applied and the paddlings to be administered! The good stuff!

Of course, this attitude has a couple important problems. Sadly, I think it’s a common one for many Dominants, and frankly, for many men in general. Because of this, I thought I’d list a few of the flaws inherent in this way of thinking.

  • For one, it neglects to consider how much more mentally and emotionally receptive your partner will be if she is fully aroused. When Joy is hot and bothered, she will dare to do things she wouldn’t in a million years even admit to in a state of non-arousal. When Joy is all fired-up, she will happily submit to activities that would be met with a look of disdain and disbelief if her fires were out. If Joy and I are going to try something new, or something that is perhaps close to one of her limits, it is crucial to ensure that she is panting with desire before you attempt to go there.
  • The second flaw is, of course, the fallacy of focusing on the destination and forgetting the journey. Looking ahead to the activities that I have planned (the “good stuff”) means that I potentially miss out on the pleasure and excitement of getting there. Let’s face it–it’s just plain fun to turn your partner on! And the process of increasing Joy’s excitement level, seeing her nipples start to poke out and then become fully erect (don’t you just love erect nipples?), hearing her breathing quicken and listening to the gasps and cries she makes, feeling her become moist and then sopping between her legs…those are experiences that rank right up with any of the “good stuff” when I actually focus on them. It’s important to keep in mind that the destination will be there in the end–it’s important to enjoy the trip along the way.
  • And the final flaw is probably the most obvious. Physically, it’s important for your partner to be ready before you begin to play in earnest. As I’m sure all my readers are aware, women become lubricated as they become excited. If I plan on putting anything in Joy’s vagina, it will go in more easily and the insertion will be much more pleasurable for Joy is she’s moist and ready for it. If she’s not ready…well, it can be painful, and not the good kind of pain either. It can easily put a major dent in our adventure plans if I make this mistake too egregiously.The same holds true, by the way, for inserting anything into the other hole. Oh, it’s not because excitement leads to natural lubrication–that doesn’t work with the rear entrance the same way as it does for the front one. One should pretty much always use some sort of artificial lubrication anytime you insert anything into your partner’s ass (the only exception I can think of to that rule is figging). However, warm up time can still definitely improve Joy’s receptivity when I decide to do so! Ensuring she is aroused helps her to relax her anal ring and to perceive the penetration as pleasurable and exciting rather than unpleasant or painful. It also helps if I insert something smaller, such as a finger, for awhile before moving on to a larger plug or appendage. But that counts as foreplay too, doesn’t it?

While I never entirely forget to preheat Joy, I do sometimes misjudge how hot she is and assume that we are ready to bake when, in fact, her oven is not up to temperature. Because of this, my rule these days is not just to preheat, but to overheat her. In other words, I try to go well beyond where I think she’s hot enough, on the theory that when it comes to BDSM, there’s no such thing as an oven that’s too hot!

Or at least, that’s my rule when I can remember to follow it…I think I may need to post a dang sign over the bed…

Enjoy yourself,


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The Trouble with Latex

Around about this past Christmas, I developed a bit of an interest in latex…particularly latex clothing. I’m not sure where the interest comes from exactly—it’s got something to do with the way latex clings so close to the human body, molding itself like a second skin, and the thought that it wraps close around the body of the wearer, enclosing them tightly in its elastic grasp. I hadn’t had much inclination prior to this, but on a flyer, I bought a pair of black, latex panties for Joy.

Now, Joy has a lovely ass, and I had great confidence that her behind would look quite scrumptious covered in smooth, black latex. But being Jake, I wasn’t satisfied with settling solely for the decorative aspect of things. Therefore, the panties I bought came with a built-in, internal vibrating dildo. My thought was that I’d put Joy in those panties with the dildo fully inserted, bind her hands at her neck or overhead, and then power up the vibrator. The tight-fitting panties would keep it in place, and Joy would be unable to free herself from their confinement. This seemed like a recipe for all kinds of fun for both of us!

And, in fact, it worked…at least somewhat. Joy did enjoy the feeling of being full, all tingly from the vibrations, and tightly encased. Her butt looked smashing in the panties. And more than that, the thin latex covering and close fit allowed me to apply a second vibrator to her vulva from the outside, enabling extra stimulation. It was a fun evening, but all in all, I have to say that I found latex’s downsides discouraging, and because of that, we haven’t employed these panties since. Here are the issues I encountered:

  • Latex has an unpleasant, chemical odor (and taste, by the way). Even after cleaning the smell lingers, and it can be transmitted to the body wearing it. It’s not incredibly strong, and my nose isn’t particularly sensitive, but it’s noticeable and a bit off-putting.
  • When you see latex clothing in an online ad or on a model, it’s nice and bright and shiny. However, in reality, one must spent time maintaining it to keep it that way. There’s such a thing as latex polish, and without it being applied, the material looks dusty and dull, losing that bright, attractive shine. Take a look at the picture I added to this post to see what I mean, and note that it’s hard to see the dustiness in the small image, so it’s actually worse than it looks.
  • Though the latex is thin and clings tightly to Joy’s bottom, it nevertheless interferes with spanking. Afterwards, Joy told me that she could hardly feel the paddle coming down across her buttocks. She did not have this same problem with feeling the external vibrator, however, likely because it doesn’t rely on sudden impact which the latex can diffuse.
  • Because it stretches and clings so tightly, latex can be difficult to put on. The panties have to fit tightly to avoid wrinkles and bagging, so it requires some effort to work them over the thighs and hips and snug them into place.
  • Latex clothing is also relatively expensive. A pair of panties won’t break the bank, but going beyond that gets pretty pricey, pretty quick.

Honestly, the biggest issue is probably the smell. If it weren’t for that, I could probably work around the other things, but I don’t know what can be done about the odor. If somebody out there were to invent a non-aromatic latex, I think I could become a convert. As it is…well, latex still has its theoretical appeal, and it can look quite erotic in pictures, but I’m afraid I’ll leave it alone in real life.

Of course, my experience with latex is limited. All you latex aficionados feel free to share tips or alternatives, and I’ll certainly be willing to consider them!

Enjoy yourself,


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Hot Crossed Buns

While I’d love to pretend that everything I try works perfectly, all the adventures I plan for Joy are fun and end in multiple orgasms, and whatever I touch turns to gold, it wouldn’t be realistic. Nope, the best I’ve managed so far is silver, but give me a few more months and access to that Philosopher’s stone and I’m certain that…

Seriously, there are a number of things I’ve tried that haven’t gone so well, and today I thought I’d share our experiences around one of them. Y’all know that Joy likes to be spanked, right? Well, what’s spanking, really? Doesn’t it boil down to warm, stinging sensations on her hind parts? What else could we do that might exploit a similar feeling and yet offer a somewhat different experience?

That was my train of logic when I decided that we’d give hot wax a go. In my mind, I imagined that I’d bind Joy face down and drip hot wax on her bottom, engaging some of the same energy that a good spanking provides her, while at the same time tapping into the adrenaline of a new experience. However, there’s a fallacy in all this that I didn’t recognize until after this exercise was complete.

Oh, fear not—though we hadn’t played with hot wax before, I did my research. First I read up on the subject to make sure I knew how it worked and what safety precautions to take. I purchased candles made of wax with a relatively low boiling point, and then experimented on myself to find the proper height from which to drip the droplets of molten wax (the more time the droplets fall in the air, the cooler they are when they land on bare skin). I checked to make sure the dry wax came off the skin readily, and to make sure it didn’t actually burn the skin or anything. By the time I was ready for Joy to try this experience, I knew what she’d feel and that she’d be physically safe.

Joy, however, when she understood what we’d be getting up to, remained unenthusiastic. Oh, she submitted to my desire. With the air of a child being told they must eat their nasty, old vegetables, she allowed me to cuff her hands and feet so that she lay prone, her butt raised on a pillow. She whimpered as the wax came down on her bare behind, but put up with it for a couple minutes. Eventually, however, she started to get teary-eyed and I realized this was going nowhere good.

After I blew out the candle, cleaned the wax off her skin and unbound her, she lay in my arms so that we could talk about the experience. “I knew I wouldn’t like it!” she declared!

“That’s probably why you didn’t like it,” I replied.

“No it’s not! It hurt!” she responded back, her eyes flashing.

Now I know that Joy has felt far more pain during a good spanking than those drops of wax ever provided her. But realizing that, I also realized the mistake I’d made. The idea that a spanking amounts to warm stinging sensations on the behind is a fallacy. A spanking is far more than that. It’s a statement of Dominance and submission, steeped in untold ages of tradition and carrying with it all sorts of overtones, some sexual, some not. A spanking with all of the connotations it carries adds up something far greater than the physical sensation it provides on Joy’s behind.

But the hot wax? It doesn’t benefit from the same overtones. For Joy, the wax was pain, pure and simple, with perhaps a dash of fear thrown in. There was nothing sexual about it. And Joy doesn’t get pleasure from pain…or at least, not from pain alone.

So the candle’s gone into retirement, and the path to hot wax and other similar pursuits will likely remain unexplored beyond this one adventure. And that’s okay—while I’m all about helping Joy explore herself and her desires, it’s okay for us to decide some activities don’t suit our tastes. Not to say that they won’t necessarily suit yours…

Enjoy yourself,


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Stormy Weather

In my imagination Joy and I lead a perfect life. We travel, drinking great wine at the vinyards of Napa Valley and in the cafés of Paris. We relax by the fire on a snowy afternoon, eating popcorn and lounging in lingerie (her) and jeans (me). We cook great meals together and serve them to our friends who come over for dinner parties filled with interesting conversation, and leave the cleanup for the housekeeper who comes in the morning. And at night, after the party’s over…that’s when the cuffs come out and we have the most fun of all.

Doesn’t real life have a way of intruding, though? That’s what’s happening to us right now. Joy has come down with a nasty cold. So far I’ve avoided it, but I suspect my turn is coming. My workload at the office has increased greatly since the start of the new year, cutting into my time at home, my supply of energy, and my already paltry blogging window. And Napa Valley and Paris are pretty much just dreams.

Oh, we still lounge around in front of the fire upon occasion, Joy in her sweat pants clutching a box of tissues, and me in my work clothes because I just got home and haven’t had time to change. Probably this weekend holds no possibilities for dinner parties—after all, we wouldn’t want to pass the cold on to our friends. And as for the housekeeper…well, the housekeeper will likely want to try to sleep late in the morning to help get over her illness, and the backup housekeeper will end up doing the dishes later tonight after she goes to bed.

The cuffs…well, the cuffs are in the top drawer, along with the chains, snaphooks and other restraints, while the vibrators and spanking implements occupy the bottom drawer and the gags, blindfolds and lingerie wait in the wardrobe. Sadly, they are likely to remain there, unused, for a couple days. It’s not fair to Joy to ask for much more than a nice cuddle before going to bed right now—she doesn’t feel well enough. So, we are on the abstinence program for the moment.

Yes, real life definitely gets in the way sometimes. But that’s okay—it’s the storms that make sunny days so special. All we can do is live through the thunder and lightning, and eventually the clouds will break and the sun will come out.

And so will the cuffs. Valentine’s Day is coming. Hopefully we’ll be in a better condition to celebrate when it arrives.

Enjoy Yourself,


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Tough Times

Believe it or not, all is not always wine and roses here in our particular slice of paradise. No, sometimes we go through tough times—too much work, too little attention, outside distractions, hurt feelings and inadequate communication. Our relationship suffers. Tough times may present a real challenge to work through, but they also may present a real opportunity to learn.

I have read many blog posts by submissive authors going through tough times, and have learned a lot about how they have dealt with their various situations. Rarely, however, have I read posts by Dominant authors about problems that they struggle with in their relationships. It appears that ‘fessing up to difficulties with one’s submissive partner Just Isn’t Done from the Dominant side, probably because it reveals weakness, a quality that tends to fatally pierce the image of we Dominants. (William, you are the exception, and I both applaud your courage and thank you for what I learned from the experiences you have shared.)

I, however, am going to break with convention and talk about the current challenge Joy and I are trying to work through. To date we’re still in the midst of trying to resolve it, but my hope is that by sharing the situation and how I’m trying to handle it, others may learn (even if it’s only from my mistakes). When we do make it out the other side, I’m also going to share what strategy was eventually successful, and hopefully that will prove enlightening as well.

Here’s the situation:

For years, Joy and I have enjoyed a “bedroom D/s” relationship. Roughly, that has translated into a relationship in which Joy submits to me within the realm of sex, but in day-to-day life outside of that arena, she acts as her own person and neither she nor I dominate the other. While a certain amount of “bleeding over” into our lives outside that boundary has taken place, we’ve kept it fairly well in check.

However, over the past few months as Joy and I have become more educated by our joining the online D/s community, the rate of bleeding has increased, and eventually a month or two ago, Joy came to me and asked for a new arrangement. She wanted to expand our boundaries to include nightly maintenance spankings and to give me more authority within our relationship outside the walls of sex.

Now, Joy is just as smart as I am and at least as strong-willed, and I value her opinion. I did not and do not want to lose her input into decisions, though I am willing and happy to be the final arbiter of the direction we choose. So we settled on this idea—Joy is free to and encouraged to disagree with me if she feels it is warranted, but she must do so respectfully, and if we reach an impasse, I will make the final decision. More than that, we added the maintenance spankings she requested—she is required to present herself for spanking each night—plus a requirement that she must come to bed panty-free and in some sort of nightgown—no wearing pajama pants to bed.

Joy warned me I would need to be sure not to let her slide. I should not ask her whether she wants to be spanked, she said, but instead assume that she darn well would be and tell her it’s time. We also discussed discipline in the event that she failed to live up to the rules, and I, in turn, warned her that if this was the direction she wanted to go, I would not let infractions pass. She agreed, and reiterated this is what she wanted.

So far, so good, but here’s the rub. It’s come down to that word “respectfully” I used two paragraphs above. Joy has a temper, and two times now she has blithely passed over “respectfully” and into “resentfully” or even “angrily”. And that would be okay, except both times she’s realized full well that she was in trouble, and when the time came for discipline, she refused. “I don’t want to,” she said, sitting in bed with a book. “I know you’re going to discipline me, and it’s not fair.”

There’s no question about whether or not discipline is called for—even Joy herself realizes that, which is why she knew full well she was in trouble. The issue is also not the punishment itself—Joy doesn’t know what punishment I had planned, and frankly, if she did know, she wouldn’t feel it was particularly harsh or out of line. I believe that this is simply a situation where what sounded good from a long-term, distant perspective—agreeing that I needed to have the power to discipline her if she didn’t live up to our terms—doesn’t sound nearly so appetizing when it’s staring you right in the eye.

So let’s consider options. The most obvious option is to do exactly as she has requested and essentially make her submit to punishment. However, I’ve seen the look she has in her eyes, and my judgment is that it would take physical force to make her comply. It is true I have not put this judgment to the test, but I know my wife, and I have confidence that I am correct. Joy would fight back, and I suspect I’d literally have to hurt her to get obedience (not hurt as in transient pain like a spanking, but hurt as in cause harm to). I may be a Dominant, but I have my own limits, and that is not something I am willing to do.

My natural inclination is to go with option number two– say “Fine!” and withdraw and leave her alone. This is what I did the first time this occurred, and after several days of chilly temperatures between us, a thaw occurred and we resumed activity. I think a bit of progress was made—her submission felt deeper afterwards, somehow. However, though we went through a review of our agreement, she never really received the punishment she was due. And now we have a repeat occurrence, so obviously this option didn’t work very well (and probably that’s not really a surprise).

So this time I am currently employing option number three, which is again to withdraw and leave her alone, but this time with the stipulation that we will not resume activities until she submits to the punishment she is due. That submission has not yet taken place, and we shall see how things go if and when it does.

I’m sure there’s probably an option four out there, but so far it hasn’t occurred to me. I guess I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it. In the meantime, though there’s a bit of hazy sunshine during the day, temperatures chez Jake and Joy drop near freezing at night. I might have to break out my fuzzy socks to keep my feet warm tonight.

Enjoy yourself,


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