A week or so ago, Kitty the Submissive Wife left a comment on the importance of “preheating” as part of a BDSM scene. For those of you who don’t necessarily follow my blog quite as religiously as I’d hope, “preheating” is the tongue-in-cheek term I use to describe foreplay and the general process of raising your partner’s excitement level in my Friday Adventure Recipes each week. Now, I have to say that I very much agree with Kitty–preheating is at least important and often even essential! However, despite the fact that I agree with this, and even though I remind myself over and over, there is no mistake that I make more often than failing to wait for Joy’s temperature gauge to “ding” before I begin our activities in earnest.
Why does this happen? Because I’m anxious to get to the good stuff, of course! You know, the good stuff–all those detailed plans I’ve made, all the orifices to be filled and pleasured, all the clamps to be applied and the paddlings to be administered! The good stuff!
Of course, this attitude has a couple important problems. Sadly, I think it’s a common one for many Dominants, and frankly, for many men in general. Because of this, I thought I’d list a few of the flaws inherent in this way of thinking.
- For one, it neglects to consider how much more mentally and emotionally receptive your partner will be if she is fully aroused. When Joy is hot and bothered, she will dare to do things she wouldn’t in a million years even admit to in a state of non-arousal. When Joy is all fired-up, she will happily submit to activities that would be met with a look of disdain and disbelief if her fires were out. If Joy and I are going to try something new, or something that is perhaps close to one of her limits, it is crucial to ensure that she is panting with desire before you attempt to go there.
- The second flaw is, of course, the fallacy of focusing on the destination and forgetting the journey. Looking ahead to the activities that I have planned (the “good stuff”) means that I potentially miss out on the pleasure and excitement of getting there. Let’s face it–it’s just plain fun to turn your partner on! And the process of increasing Joy’s excitement level, seeing her nipples start to poke out and then become fully erect (don’t you just love erect nipples?), hearing her breathing quicken and listening to the gasps and cries she makes, feeling her become moist and then sopping between her legs…those are experiences that rank right up with any of the “good stuff” when I actually focus on them. It’s important to keep in mind that the destination will be there in the end–it’s important to enjoy the trip along the way.
- And the final flaw is probably the most obvious. Physically, it’s important for your partner to be ready before you begin to play in earnest. As I’m sure all my readers are aware, women become lubricated as they become excited. If I plan on putting anything in Joy’s vagina, it will go in more easily and the insertion will be much more pleasurable for Joy is she’s moist and ready for it. If she’s not ready…well, it can be painful, and not the good kind of pain either. It can easily put a major dent in our adventure plans if I make this mistake too egregiously.The same holds true, by the way, for inserting anything into the other hole. Oh, it’s not because excitement leads to natural lubrication–that doesn’t work with the rear entrance the same way as it does for the front one. One should pretty much always use some sort of artificial lubrication anytime you insert anything into your partner’s ass (the only exception I can think of to that rule is figging). However, warm up time can still definitely improve Joy’s receptivity when I decide to do so! Ensuring she is aroused helps her to relax her anal ring and to perceive the penetration as pleasurable and exciting rather than unpleasant or painful. It also helps if I insert something smaller, such as a finger, for awhile before moving on to a larger plug or appendage. But that counts as foreplay too, doesn’t it?
While I never entirely forget to preheat Joy, I do sometimes misjudge how hot she is and assume that we are ready to bake when, in fact, her oven is not up to temperature. Because of this, my rule these days is not just to preheat, but to overheat her. In other words, I try to go well beyond where I think she’s hot enough, on the theory that when it comes to BDSM, there’s no such thing as an oven that’s too hot!
Or at least, that’s my rule when I can remember to follow it…I think I may need to post a dang sign over the bed…