Archive for category BDSM

Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds – the Book

I have finally completed something I’ve been threatening to do for a long time. I have written an e-book. Joy assisted in both the editing as well as adding a few contributions of her own. It’s called “Exploring Dark Dreams: A Beginner’s Practical Guide to BDSM”, and it’s available via Amazon.

It is meant to provide information for people who are curious about, who are just starting out exploring, or who fantasize about bondage, Domination/submission, and sadism/masochism. It covers everything from BDSM basics, to safety, to equipment, to techniques, to adventure starter ideas. In short, it’s a guidebook to help you get started on your journey.

It’s available just in time for Christmas, so if you know a couple who might benefit from adding a little D/s to their relationship (I personally know at least two!), it might make a fun gift. It might even make a good gift for a partner who you hope to convince to play our sort of reindeer games with you.

Full-disclosure—while there is original content in the book, much of it is pulled from the years of blogging I’ve done on this site, and you could gain most of the information it provides by going back and reading through all my various years of posts. However, the book puts it all together in a logical, coherent format and makes it easily portable. Plus, you can’t give a blog to someone for Christmas.

Hopefully it’s also a fun read. If you buy it, thank you! And if you buy it and enjoy it, a review on Amazon would be much appreciated!

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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A Little Discipline

I received a question the other day from a reader in a budding D/s relationship. He is the Dominant half, and, paraphrasing, he asked me this: “Do I really have to discipline my wife? It seems like I’d be hurting her, and I don’t want to be an abuser. Can’t we just enjoy the kinky sex and leave the discipline thing behind?”

The simple answer, of course, is “Yes, you can do whatever you want as long as it works for you and your wife.” However, I am never content to stop at the simple answer–I always have to go deeper. And when looking deeper, the answer changes…it becomes something more like, “Maybe, as long as you and your wife are content to pretend.”

Several years ago I wrote a series of posts about the levels of BDSM relationships. I’ve been back and re-written those posts several times, and I’m still not necessarily really happy with them. Even so, though, I remain convinced that the concept of different levels of the Dominance and submission aspect of BDSM relationships remains valid, and one of the differentiators between levels, I believe, is enforcement of obedience through discipline.

The first level, the level where most people first become involved with BDSM, is that of the “Pretenders”. It is this level at which the Dominant husband who posed the question above currently resides. He and his wife play at BDSM and D/s–it is a game of pretend to them, in which they enjoy acting out their roles during an adventure, but any Dominance and submission ends once the scene is over, and even during the scene, the submissive submits only to activities that she desires anyway. That’s not a bad thing, by the way–I’ve received some feedback that some people don’t like the word “pretend” in this context, but I don’t mean it to be demeaning or to put down the practices in which this level engages. Any new BSDM relationship generally begins with “pretending”. It’s only through practice, familiarity and most especially trust that a greater depth can be acheived. Many people, I think, are content to stop at “pretending”, and that’s okay. However, there is a downside to doing so.

You see, eventually it becomes obvious that “pretending” is exactly what you are doing. When that happens, that power behind BDSM fades. It becomes just another toy–something that was once shiny, new and exciting, but which has now become familiar and even (dare I say it?) dull. It doesn’t mean that breaking out the cuffs and playing bondage games can’t still be fun once in awhile, but the thrill…the heart-pounding, breathtaking, chest heaving excitement that it once provided…is gone.

So if this is okay by you, and it’s as far as you want to go, that’s fine, and I wish you well. However, if you’re not content with the scenario I describe, then I believe you must embrace two concepts. The first, which I have written about numerous times, is taking your submissive partner just beyond their comfort zone. This allows your activities together to be new and fresh. The second, which is my topic for today, is discipline.

Discipline is important because it makes the submission real. To see what I mean, let’s consider a hypothetical situation involving a hypothetical couple, Louis (the Dom) and his wife, Laurie (the sub), in which no discipline is enforced. For the purposes of this example, let’s suppose that Louis sets a requirement for Laurie before they go out for dinner one night–perhaps wearing a pretty pair of lavender thong panties under her skirt. However, on this particular night, Laurie is feeling a little self-conscious and doesn’t want to wear thong panties. She refuses. In this scenario, what happens?

Well, for one thing, the thong panties do not get worn. For another, Louis is disappointed. And while Laurie, on the surface, is probably pleased that she avoided having to do something she didn’t want to do, beneath the surface, she, too, is disappointed. Isn’t the Dom supposed to Dominate? Louis didn’t do his job! And the thing is, Laurie will remember this. She will internalize the lesson that if she doesn’t want to, she can just say “No.” And so the next time she doesn’t feel like doing something Louis requires, she says “No” again. And from there, every rebellion gets a little easier, and eventually…well, there’s no longer any semblance of submission going on, is there?

Discipline counters this deterioration of the D/s dynamic because it provides consequences. If, in the scenario above, Louis enforces his requirement that Laurie wear her pretty thong panties by turning her over his knee when she refuses and paddling her bottom until it turns a lovely shade of pink, and then perhaps upping his requirement so that she must wear her thong panties and her black, anal plug under her skirt, a curious thing happens. For one, the original requirement is now met, and Louis is content. However…and here’s the curious part…Laurie, who now must comply with the requirement, is content as well. In fact, she is more content that she would have been if she’d been allowed to rebel. This is because the respective D/s roles of both Louis and Laurie have been reinforced, and Laurie is more firmly than ever convinced that her partner can and will, in fact, Dominate her.

Just as the refusal described earlier will be remembered, so, too, will the discipline and successful Domination. The effects will be lasting and positive for the D/s relationship. Not only will Laurie have added motivation to comply with Louis’s requirements, but both of them will feel more secure and confident in their roles. And best of all, Laurie will gain the feeling that she, by definition, is seeking…that she is not in control, but is instead controlled, that she may not be willful, but instead must be obedient, that she does not own herself, but is, instead, owned. This feeling unlocks the added excitement that Louis and Laurie seek from their relationship by feeding power to the D/s engine that underlies it.

Note that I advocate only consensual BDSM and consensual D/s! That means that the submissive must agree that the Dominant has the right to discipline them when they do not meet the Dom’s requirements! And yes, safewords still apply! Note, however, that the idea of a safeword can become a bit sticky in a disciplinary situation, for it is possible for the submissive to utilize their safeword to avoid the discipline they are about to receive. In the example described above, Laurie could stop her disciplinary spanking and gain her original goal of rebelling against Louis’s requirement by employing her safeword, and once again, the couple has started down the path of rebellion and the deterioration of their D/s dynamic.

This is a well-known issue, and many D/s practicioners take the stance that the safeword must remain intact, no matter what. This was originally my stance as well, but after much experience and much thought, Joy and I have modified our use of the safeword during discipline (and note that Joy, who knows herself well and recognizes that she has a temper, has agreed to this modification). For us, during a disciplinary episode, if Joy uses her safeword, I immediately cease what I am doing and check to see if she is injured or in danger. If she is, then obviously we stop. If, however, I can ascertain that she is neither hurt nor in danger, then I will continue the discipline. Clearly this requires great trust on Joy’s part that I will not abuse this privilege. However, this appears to be what works best for us.

So, to return to the original question, I would say that if you wish to have a true Dominant/submissive relationship in which the submission is real and lasting, some form of disciplinary privileges must be given to (and accepted by) the Dom.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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A Forceful Approach

When we think about a BDSM adventure, we tend to focus on the highlights…the spankings, the restraints, the penetration. However, today, I want to talk about the adventure time in between those highlights, and how you’re approach to that time can add to the excitement. You see, taking a consistent, forceful approach with your partner matters all through the adventure, from intiation all the way to climax and even cool down.

To clarify what I’m referring to, let’s use an example. And to drive the point home, let’s make it a rather extreme example, shall we? What if you felt like spending some quality BDSM time with your wife/girlfriend/significant other tonight, and you took the following approach?

Initiation: “Hey, Honey, what do you think if we had a little fun tonight? I could get out the cuffs if you’re in the mood…”

Commencement: “Come on in! Here, let me have your hand and I’ll buckle this around your wrist. Is it too tight? Ummm…why don’t you lie face down on the bed there in the middle and I’ll cuff your hands together behind your back. Thanks, that’s perfect!”

Warm Ups: “Oh, your bottom is nice and pink now! Are you doing okay? Let’s change positions…I’ll untie you, and if you can roll over, please, so that you’re on your back…great! Now, I’ll just re-attach the cuffs to the bed posts…”

Transition: “Oh, I really want you now. Are you ready for me? Okay, here…why don’t you open your legs so that I can enter you?”

Climax: “Oh my God, Honey, I’m going to come. I’m going to come!”

Cool Down: “So what did you think? Did you like that? Did you come, too?”

Do you think this would be a successful BDSM adventure? What’s wrong with this picture? Well, for one thing, there doesn’t seem to be much Domination going on. In fact, even though she was tied down, spanked and fucked by her husband, it sounds to me like the wife was the one in control here. Obviously this is an egregious example, but despite the physical “highlights” that took place, clearly the husband in this scenario does not display the proper attitude to provide the experience his wife is craving. He desperately needs to take a more forceful approach!

To start with, there is entirely too much asking for permission and asking for cooperation going on. A Dominant should always assume permission, even if he doesn’t explicitly have it, unless his partner has specifically declared the activity he has in mind as a limit. Cooperation should also be assumed, but better still, don’t give your partner an opportunity not to cooperate. As an example, rather than asking your partner to lie down in the middle of the bed, instead, lift, push, pull or otherwise manuever them there. If you find encouragement is required, a firm hand in the hair or a smart smack on the behind can move things along. You need to “manhandle” your partner (if you are a female Dom, you can certainly “womanhandle” them instead, but the point is the same). Doing so emphasizes your strength and helps them to feel that they are helpless to resist you. And remember that if your partner truly does not want to play your reindeer game, whatever it is, she has her safe word to tell you so.

Also, the husband in this example displays far too much concern with his wife’s comfort, feelings and general well-being than he should. Now, this is a bit of a tricky one, because a good Dominant should always be VERY concerned about his partner’s comfort, feelings and general well-being. He should not, however, display it…or at least, not overtly like this. Remember that the submissive partner wants to feel used–that’s part of the fantasy of submission. By being so obviously concerned about whether his wife is having fun, the husband subverts that submissive fantasy for her. By all means, do your very best to make your partner enjoy her time with you, but don’t spend a lot of time telling her that’s what you’re doing and verbally double-checking that’s you are succeeding. Instead, observe her to see her reaction to your activities, but let your partner believe that the adventure is all about you and what you want, that you are using her for your pleasure, and that if she reaches an orgasm, it’s because you MADE her do so.

One other comment–did you note that that I used only dialog to illustrate the scenario above? That’s because the husband narrated the entire adventure with a running commentary. It’s okay to talk during a BDSM scene–in fact, it’s often fun to do so, and in some situations (think discipline, for instance), it is essential. However, a running play-by-play is not the way to go. Remember, actions speak way louder than words–let what you do inform your partner where possible, rather than what you say.

In short, taking a more forceful approach, both in your physical actions and in your attitude, makes a great deal of difference in how effective the BDSM adventure is. Let’s re-imagine the scenario above to see what I mean…

Initiation: Jake embraces Joy and kisses her, then grasps Joy’s wrists, moves them around behind her back, and holds them firmly there. He backs her up against the wall so that she is trapped against it and kisses her again. “I’m afraid, my dear,” he says, “that I’m feeling a little strict this evening. Go upstairs and pick out the pair of thong panties you’re going to wear for me tonight. Lay them on the bed so that you can change into them after dinner.”

Commencement: Jake embraces Joy, who is clad only in her pale, pink thong. He kisses her gently, then quickly pulls her down across his lap and gives her two swift smacks across her bottom. She instinctively raise her right hand up to shield her behind, and Jake grabs it, places the leather cuff around her wrist and buckles it. He draws her other hand up behind her back as well and cuffs it to the first, then holds her hands in place in the small of her back, leaving her behind exposed and vulnerable.

Warm Ups: “Such a cute little bottom, Joy, and such a rosy shade of pink! And look how wet your pussy is. You’re ashamed that being spanked turns you on, aren’t you? But it always makes you get so wet between your legs…” Jake frees her hands, grasps Joy’s pony tail and uses it to help guide her as he maneuvers her to lie face up on the bed. He grasps her nipples and squeezes them tightly, rolling them between his thumb and index finger, and Joy gasps. “Get your hands up, Joy, over your head. Up!” Only when she complies does he release her nipples and attach each cuff to the corresponding bedpost.

Transition: “Spread these legs!” Jake grabs Joy’s legs and lifts them up and apart so that her heels point at the ceiling.

Climax: Joy’s heels rest on Jake’s shoulders as he pumps hard, over and over, into her. “You are an excellent piece of ass, Joy,” Jake hisses through clenched teeth, “and this is exactly how you belong, on your back under me, with your heels in the air!”

Cool Down: Jake runs his hand over Joy’s naked body as they lie together, over her legs, over her belly, over her breasts. “Such smooth skin you have. So soft. And look, your nipples are still perky. You are my good girl with perky nipples, Joy, and I love you.”

Hopefully the difference is clear. A forceful approach pays dividends in BDSM.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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The Edging Game

Thought I’d take a quick second to share a game that Joy and I played the other night. It’s called “the Edging game”, and I have to say we had a lot of fun together playing it.

Note that this is a completely vanilla game. Any couple can play, whether you are into spanking and bondage or not! My belief, stated in many previous posts, is that you can’t be all whips and chains and serious Domination all the time–sometimes you simply have to lighten things up and just enjoy each other. This game is a good activity for the “lighten up” nights. The rules are simple, and kind of remind me of the TV Gameshow, “The Price is Right”.

Each member of the couple tries to bring the other to the edge of orgasm as often as possible, without making them tip over the edge into coming. If you make your partner come, you immediately lose. Toys of any type are permitted. The game lasts for an hour, and whoever has the highest “edge total” at the end, wins.

Of course, judging is a bit subjective–after all, how do you know for sure your partner is truly at the edge, and will they agree with your judgement? However, bear in mind that you are playing to have fun together, so while a bit of competition adds some spice and humor to the activity, whoever comes out on top, you both end up winners.

Here’s how things played out for Joy and I. We started out each determined to be the winner. (Have I mentioned that Joy is a bit competitive?) A brief period of wrestling ensued, ended by deployment of the ultimate weapon…tickling. (I didn’t play fair…have I mentioned that I am a bit competitive?) That put me securely on top of Joy, where I used fingers and a vibrator to lift her higher and higher, while she first struggled, then succumbed to enjoyment. However, I was able to stop in time, and from that point forward, an interesting and somewhat wonderful dynamic took over. I suspect the same might hold true for almost any couple that plays this game.

Because I needed to let Joy cool down a little or risk pushing her over the edge, that gave her the opportunity to take the initiative. And when she did…well, like I said, I had to wait for a little while, which let me have the time to begin to enjoy what she was doing to me, which made me much less interested in stopping her and taking over again…right up until she left me hanging, right there, just before I exploded.

But then, of course, she needed to let me cool down, and after gathering myself for a moment, I took control back again and started her up Pleasure Mountain once more. And we repeated this cycle several more times during the course of the hour.

The cool down requirement enforces a sort of turn-taking behavior in players, and that made this game both fun and funny. We laughed a lot, in between gasps and shudders, and by the time we were through, both of us were thoroughly worked up and absolutely ready to finish things for real. All-in-all, I would say this was a very fun experience, and I encourage you, friend reader, to give it a go with your partner as well.

Just because I am who I am, I will also note that it is quite easy to turn this game into something a bit darker. Rather than the couple competing with each other, the Dominant partner can simply play against himself. How many times can he successfully bring his bound-and-helpless submissive half right up to the edge and stopping her just short of climax in a 60-minute time period? Four times, perhaps? Six times? Eleven? He can try to set a new personal best each time they play, and of course, it’s his choice at the end of the adventure if he allows his partner to finally achieve her orgasm, or simply puts her to bed, sweaty and gasping, most likely with her hands restrained so that she cannot relieve her own frustration…

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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Best Guinea Pig

These days, BDSM is almost trendy–witness the success of Fifty Shades! It definitely has not been that way for long, however. Even a couple of decades ago, BDSM took place very much in the shadows, among an insular community of practitioners who avoided the attention of the uninitiated, rightfully fearing penalties and even prosecution.

In those days, you almost had to be invited to join the community. And given the temperament and characteristics of Dominants and submissives, who was going to do the inviting? The Dom, of course–it was far more likely that a Dom would recruit someone new into the circle than a sub would, especially given that kinky sexual practices were much more “shocking” at that time than they are today. Consequently, new initiates to the BDSM community tended to be subs.

So that provided a supply of new subs, but where did the Doms come from back then? Well many of them came from the ranks of those very subs after they had time to get some experience under their belts. In fact, it was traditional that the best Doms always started out as a submissive first. That way they understood what it was like to be made to submit, and they knew first-hand the types of practices that worked or did not work, how it felt to be caned or plugged or humiliated, and how it felt to be pushed to one’s limit. They would only “graduate” to being able to Dominate after first having earned their chops by proving that they knew well how to submit.

While today the situation is different, of course, there is still a lesson to be learned from that past tradition. Anything that a Dominant can do to better understand the experience of their submissive partner is beneficial to their ability to Dominate them.

While there are many ways that this lesson can be applied, today I wanted to focus specifically on the most tactical. I want to talk about testing to understand how a particular act, or idea, or toy feels, whether it is pleasurable and exciting or merely unpleasant, and how far one can go before the threshold of “unbearable” is crossed.

Oh, you can try imagining how it might feel, putting yourself in your submissive partner’s shoes and guessing. And you can read what other people have written, or look online for guidance. But far and away the best way to really find out, to truly know is to take a cue from what the Dom’s of old did. Try it yourself.

See, now I bet when you first read the title of this post, you thought that I was referring to the submissive as the best guinea pig. But not true! As a Dominant, you, yourself, are your own best guinea pig.

If you are a Dominant, do you know how it feels to have an anal plug inserted inside you? What about if it’s bigger than you’re able to easily accommodate, or if you’re expected to wear it for an hour or longer? How does it feel to have to take a gag deep into your mouth and not be able to spit it out, how painful is it to have clamps tightened on your nipples, and what is it like to be paddled with a leather strap versus smacked with a riding crop? How do you know how much is too much, especially if you are trying something with your partner for the first time and have no previous experience to guide you?

The best way to know the answers to questions like these is to try them yourself. The ideal state would probably be to have experience as a submissive as Doms used to do. However, if that’s not possible or desirable, a practical alternative is to simply test things out on yourself, to act as your own guinea pig.

As a for-instance, when I first decided I’d try dripping hot candle wax onto Joy’s naked body, I looked online for guidance. I’d never played with wax before, and needed a place to start. Once I learned about the types of candles and got a basic grounding in how wax-play works, I went out and purchased what I needed. However, before getting anywhere near Joy, I took an afternoon and did some self-experimentation. I tried applying wax first on the underside of my forearm, a relatively sensitive part of the body. I experimented with dripping from a variety of heights to determine the difference between wax dropping from two feet versus dropping from five inches (the longer the drop, the more the wax has time to cool before hitting the skin). I tried a couple different candles just to see if there was a difference between them (there was not). And after I’d learned what I could from those tests, I switched and tried dripping the wax onto my genital area. After all, if I was going to subject Joy to this, I wanted to be sure it would not be dangerous or cause burns.

The practice of self-experimentation has provided much highly useful information over the years, information that was valuable both to myself and to Joy. While often my self-experimentation has yielded positive results–e.g. “Yes, I believe Joy will get quite a thrill from this!”–it’s often the negative results that are most useful. Sometimes I have discovered that ideas I had wouldn’t work. Sometimes I discovered that activities I thought would be arousing were not. And most frequently, what I determined was that while it was fun to a point, once that point was exceeded it got to be the opposite of fun. And the best part is that I uncovered all of this information beforehand, so that Joy didn’t discover it the hard way in the midst of an adventure.

Perhaps there are Dominant readers out there who are thinking, “No way am I going to do something like drip hot candle wax onto my penis! It would be undignified/humiliating/un-Dominant, etc.” Clearly I disagree with that perspective. I’d suggest that it is un-Dominant to not know what you are doing and it is un-Dominant to not be equipped to keep your partner safe. It is un-Dominant to expect your partner to take a risk that you, yourself, do not understand and are not willing to take.

Dominance is predicated on trust and on the Dom taking responsibility for the submissive. How can you take responsibility for what your partner is experiencing without knowledge of the experience? And sometimes the only way to really know and understand something is to try it out yourself.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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