I thought visitors might be interested in reading a sample of the contract that Joy and I have put in place. For a good portion of our BDSM relationship, I felt that a contract really wasn’t necessary between Joy and I, but after we ran aground and took a D/s hiatus a couple years ago, I started to reconsider. It seemed to me that it could only be beneficial to state things clearly between us, and writing them all down was a good way to do that. More than that, I thought that the idea of being “bound” by a signed contract might help Joy to overcome some of her internal obstacles. One night during pillow talk, I brought up the idea of a contract, and she was both intrigued and excited by the thought.
This was the original contract we came up with. It’s no longer current–the agreement we have in place today is several versions later than what I’m sharing. But I thought it might prove useful anyway. Later versions simply revise details–the basic ideas are still the same.
It actually took us several days to negotiate the terms you see here, and frankly, the negotiation process was fun. If you read down to the bottom of the agreement, you’ll see some italicized text. We ran into a few more difficulties rather quickly after we implemented this agreement, and after working through them, at Joy’s suggestion agreed to excise that portion of the document.
My apologies for the length of this post–the document ran to several pages. Hopefully, though, it will spur ideas in other couples that find themselves in need of clearly calling out the rules of their relationship.
Dominant/Submissive Sexual Relationship Contract between Jake and Joy
- Joy desires to sexually submit herself to Jake. Her desire for submission is limited to their sexual relationship—submission beyond that sphere is not desired by Joy.
- Joy is aroused by being overpowered and roughly-handled during sex play.
- Joy is an “obedience submissive” rather than a “service submissive”, and therefore derives sexual excitement from the idea of being required to perform sexual activities and being expected (and sometimes even compelled) to comply with those requirements. Being made to obey is thrilling and arousing for her.
- A certain amount of pain during sex play may be desirable and exciting for Joy, though severe pain is generally not.
- Joy is sensitive to being embarrassed or feeling humiliated.
Jake will select when he and Joy will engage in sexual activity and what type of activity they will engage in. Joy may expect to be sexually used frequently, but outside life, requirements for sleep, etc. may interfere.
A Dominant/submissive relationship is not meant to be fair and not meant to be balanced. Neither Jake nor Joy should expect or be concerned about fairness or balance. However, both Jake and Joy each desire to please, excite, and give pleasure to the other, and each should expect to get their share of pleasure and excitement as an outcome of the relationship.
Roles and Responsibilities in the Relationship
Jake will play the role of Dominant and will be primarily responsible for the direction of the sexual relationship, initiation of sex, and the exploration of new sexual activities. He assumes responsibility for the care of Joy during sex play, and must keep her safety and mental well-being in mind at all times.
In order to trigger Joy’s desire (stated in assumptions above) to be made to obey, he will sometimes require her to do sexual things that are new to her, that she may be uncomfortable with or fearful of, or that she does not necessarily want to do. In fact, sometimes he may require Joy to do something she explicitly does not want to do. Expecting Joy to do these things anyway is necessary to trigger Joy’s arousal as an obedience submissive–it is not possible to make someone do something they already wish to do, and therefore Jake must at times choose something Joy does not wish to do.
At the same time, Jake has the responsibility not to push Joy’s boundaries too far, to remain in the scope of what is possible for her in his requirements, and to consider her excitement, pleasure and well-being in whatever he plans. In addition, Jake will not require Joy to do anything related to areas and activities listed in the Off Limits section of this document.
Joy will play the role of submissive, and will therefore give up much freedom of choice in the sexual relationship. She is responsible for submitting to Jake’s sexual wishes and desires, without condition or protest, with the exception of the areas listed in the Off Limits section.
Given that Jake will not and cannot legally force Joy to submit to him, and with the further understanding that the need for the privacy of their sexual relationship further limits Jake’s ability to compel submission, it is Joy’s responsibility to ensure that she continues to submit, even during moments where she does not wish to do so. While it is unavoidable that a brief, reflexive refusal to meet a requirement may occasionally be made, such refusals are expected to be brief (and may constitute grounds for punishment). Should the impulse to refuse a requirement arise, Joy is expected to recall her overarching desire for sexual submission and regain a submissive mindset. Continued rejection of submission is a breach of this agreement and will terminate it.
Both Jake and Joy undertake these roles in their relationship freely and because it is their desire to do so. Both Jake and Joy expect to receive superior sexual gratification through playing their respective roles under the terms laid out in this agreement.
Duration of Agreement
This agreement will remain in force for 6 months from the date on which it is signed. At the end of this term, Jake and Joy will jointly decide whether to terminate, extend or modify the agreement.
This relationship is based on trust, and both parties must trust the other for it to succeed. Each must trust that the other will remain true to the spirit of this agreement for the duration it is in force. Each must trust that the other maintains love and a desire for the well-being of their spouse. And each must trust that the other continues to desire to participate in this relationship. Both parties have the obligation to live up to this trust, and if one or the other feels they cannot, then they must immediately communicate this feeling.
Further, Joy must trust Jake’s judgment about her physical and mental safety and about the types of sexual activities that he requires of her. Though she retains the ability to voice concern and provide feedback to Jake, this agreement requires her to relinquish any ability to refuse an activity that Jake requires. She must consent and comply with Jake’s requirement, trusting that his judgment is correct.
Jake is obligated to earn and maintain this trust by displaying good judgment regarding Joy’s capabilities and desires, Joy’s health and wellbeing, and by considering any feedback Joy provides before making a determination on whether to continue with an activity. Egregious failures in this area may trigger termination of this agreement.
Scope of Agreement
The scope of the Dominant/submissive relationship between Jake and Joy will be confined to sexual and sexually-related activity. It includes sex acts themselves, but also may extend to such things as personal hygiene (e.g. trimming or shaving of the pubic region), selection of undergarments and lingerie, and actions and activities that do not, of themselves, constitute sex, but instead create a feeling of excitement and arousal. In general, if an action or activity contains a sexual component or engages sexual interest, it may be considered in scope.
However, no part of this agreement should be construed so as to extend beyond the scope of the sexual relationship between Jake and Joy. No Dominant/submissive requirements exist within Jake and Joy’s daily lives, within their financial or familial relationships, or within any business relationships.
Joy will make herself sexually available to Jake at any and all times. Jake may make sexual use of her as and when he wishes, in the position of his choice, in the location of his choice. Joy may not refuse any sex act at any time, with the sole exception of her time of the month, during which time anal and vaginal sexual activity will cease. Jake must employ good sense about when and where he requires sex so as to avoid being seen, heard or otherwise detected by others, but beyond that, Joy’s body will be available for his use as he chooses.
Indignities and Humiliation
A measure of indignity and humiliation is present within any relationship in which one partner sexually submits to the other. This is because the act of submission itself contains seeds of both indignity and humiliation. Furthermore, to a point, humiliation and indignity can be exciting for both parties, as it can reinforce the feeling of Dominance and submission when the submissive party is required to submit to something they might find demeaning.
However, Jake must recognize that the line between such “helpful” humiliation and more negative feelings is a particularly fine one for Joy, and therefore must tread carefully in this area. As a rule, Jake should avoid any activity that leverages feelings of embarrassment or humiliation, unless they are small byproducts of the activity and not its focus. For her part, Joy should recall that Jake loves and honors her, and that any sense of demeanment or humiliation that arises within this relationship is confined to the boundaries of sex play and has the specific purpose of increasing the feeling of Dominance and submission between them.
The scope of permitted sexual activities in the relationship is far too wide to list in detail, but can include such things as oral, vaginal and anal sex, bondage, spankings and floggings, helplessness, sex toys, dirty talk, light pain play, role play, moderate private humiliation, and many other things. In addition:
- During the course of spankings and floggings, some marking of the skin may prove unavoidable and is therefore permitted. However, Jake will attempt to moderate any marking as much as possible.
- Jake may require Joy to do sexually-related actions outside the bedroom and while he is not present in order to further their relationship, provided that they do not conflict with any other terms in this agreement, that they are conducted in a private setting, and that they do not cross beyond the boundaries described in the Scope of Agreement section. Examples have in the past included such things as going without panties, inserting an anal plug for an extended duration, and practicing giving a blow job. Requirements such as these and others in a similar vein are permitted and expected to be complied with.
Joy shall comply with any/all sexual requirements that are not expressly made out-of-bounds by being listed in the Off Limits section of this document. Refusal to comply with a sexual requirement is not permitted and constitutes grounds for punishment as described in the Punishment section of the agreement.
However, Jake must attempt to ensure that his sexual requests are not beyond the physical and emotional capabilities of Joy, and that they are not so far beyond activities Joy is comfortable with as to trigger severe fear or repugnance. Moreover, though refusal (e.g. “No, I am not going to do that!”) is not permitted, Joy may at any time request to be released from a requirement (e.g. “Please…I don’t want to do that tonight”) without penalty. It is Jake’s discretion whether to honor her request for release, or to compel her to comply. Joy should expect that sometimes Jake will make the decision that the requirement stand, and if so, she must fulfill the requirement with full enthusiasm regardless of whether she wishes to do so. Failure to comply will trigger punishment.
It is possible that additional areas may be discovered over the course of the relationship that may need to be listed in the Off Limits section of this agreement. If so, they shall be discussed by Jake and Joy and, upon consensus, added to the Off Limits list.
Punishment shall serve three purposes in the relationship. i) It shall act as a deterrent to reduce the occurrence of transgressions by Joy against the rules specified in this agreement or set by Jake; ii) it shall serve to reinforce the desirable sensation that Joy is being compelled to comply with Jake’s wishes; iii) it shall serve as a means for Joy to make recompense for mistakes and resolve herself of any feelings of guilt she holds about a transgression that caused punishment to be necessary.
Jake determines both when a punishment is required and what punishment will be applied. In general, punishment will be warranted when one of the terms of this agreement is broken, or when one of the rules which Jake sets is broken. Jake may punish Joy as he deems it required, while Joy has no rights to punish Jake or to resist punishment (see note about the fairness of the relationship). Once a punishment has been completed, Jake will hold no further prejudice against Joy for the action that caused the punishment.
Punishments may vary based on their cause and Jake’s judgment. In general, however, they may include both physical pain and, to reinforce the dynamic of Dominance/submission, elements of debasement. Examples may include such things as spankings or floggings, but Jake is not necessarily limited to corporal punishment. It is expected that Joy may at times feel that a punishment is not justified, or become indignant about how she is being punished. It is Joy’s obligation to overcome her indignance, trust in Jake’s judgment, and submit to the punishment regardless of how she feels.
Current Rules and Requirements
Following is a list of established rules which Joy is expected to adhere to. Additional rules may be set at Jake’s discretion as the relationship progresses.
- Jake prefers that Joy retain much of her pubic hair, but she must keep it neatly trimmed. In addition, she is required to keep her vulva clean shaven at all times. Jake may inspect her pubic area at any time (other than during her time of the month) to ensure she has complied with this requirement, and may punish her for failing to do so.
- Joy must ensure that Jake has quick and easy access to her body at bedtime. Therefore, she may never wear any sort of sleepwear with pants, and may never wear panties to bed unless specifically directed to by Jake. The only exception to this rule is during her time of the month, when she may make her own choice as to what to sleep in.
- Joy may ask for permission not to comply with a sexual request, but may not state that she will not comply, and may not refuse compliance without permission. If Joy makes a request not to comply, it is up to Jake’s discretion whether or not to grant it.
- Joy may select her own clothing and underwear (though Jake retains ability to make selections for her when he prefers), and therefore can dress as she chooses. However, as a guiding principal, she should consider that Jake likes her to dress less conservatively than she typically does. This is not confined solely to outer dress, but also includes undergarment selection (e.g. sexy panties and a thinner bra are preferred to padded bras and conservative panties.
The following is a list of established rules which Jake is expected to adhere to. Additional rules may be set at Jake’s discretion as the relationship progresses.
- No anal or vaginal sexual activity will take place during Joy’s time of the month, and rules regarding anal or vaginal sex are suspended.
Communication between Joy and Jake is essential, and without good communication, their relationship as described will not succeed. With this in mind, the following requirements for communication are established:
- Once a week, on Saturday night when possible, Jake and Joy will have a “state of the relationship” conversation, in which they discuss their feelings about the relationship, the things they are happy with and the things they dislike or are concerned about, and any need for modification to the relationship’s direction, rules, or even the terms of this agreement. During this talk, it is expected that both parties share honest feelings equally, and therefore Dominant/submissive roles may be dropped as required for the course of the conversation.
- Joy must clearly inform Jake whenever she achieves orgasm. She may do so after the fact, but it must be immediately after. She must be honest about this—Jake may punish her if he believes she has not been honest. Joy must likewise inform Jake if she reaches a point at which further sexual stimulation will be counterproductive (e.g. painful rather than exciting). Jake may then choose whether or not to stop the stimulation.
In addition, Joy will retain the use of her safe word to signal that she has reached a point of stress or danger and is afraid or unable to go on. However, the use of the safe word will not necessarily put an end to the activity that has triggered it. Instead, it will cause Jake to stop and examine Joy to ensure she is physically and emotionally safe. Once he has ascertained this, it is Jake’s discretion as to whether or not to continue on. Note that this applies during punishments as well as during normal play.
The following activities or areas of sexuality have been designated off limits, and Jake is to refrain from requiring Joy to engage in them. It is possible that over time activities listed here may be removed by mutual consent, so that they become accessible. It is also possible that additional activities will be uncovered and placed off limits, and this will be done by mutual consent as well. However, in order to retain as strong a sense of Dominance and submission as possible, it is beneficial to keep this list brief, noting only those things that are truly forbidden in the relationship.
- Urination/Defecation play
- Blatant Exhibitionism
- Public demonstrations of Dominance/submission
- Activities that break the skin (though note that accidental scrapes or cuts may take place—Jake will try his best to avoid causing such cuts or abrasions, but accidental occurrences shall not be in violation of this agreement)
- Illegal activities
- Bondage such that Joy cannot extricate herself without help if necessary
- Wax play
Modification and Termination of Agreement
This agreement may be modified at any time, provided that there is consensus between both parties to do so. Should either party wish to amend terms, they must notify the other party and explain their reasons for wishing a modification, draft the amendments, and present them for review. The second party may the make revisions to the draft. When both parties are satisfied with the new text, they may sign the agreement and replace the original agreement with the new version.
Should modification efforts prove fruitless or be insufficient to address concerns, either Jake or Joy may invoke termination of this agreement at any time by following the process laid out below. However, termination is expected to be a last resort for a relationship that is not working, and before being undertaken, other options should be considered. These options include exercising the communication avenues laid out in the communication section of the document as well as looking at potential modifications to terms in the agreement.
To invoke termination, the desiring party shall inform the second party of their wish to terminate the agreement. At that point, all Dominant/submissive aspects to the relationship shall cease for a period of two weeks. When the two-week break is complete, Jake and Joy must discuss the situation, their feelings, and their desires to gauge the best course of action. If one or the other still desires to terminate the agreement, it becomes invalid from that point.
This agreement has been reviewed by the undersigned and mutual consent to enact it as written has been reached. By signing, both parties signify that they are bound by the agreement’s terms for the period in which it is in force.
Dominant: ____________________ Date: ___________________
Submissive: ____________________ Date: ___________________