Note that this is an updated repost of something I wrote a couple years ago. Joy and I have not progressed yet to the point where we are spanking again, though we continue to take baby steps. Nonetheless, I still believe the below is accurate and may prove helpful to some.
Apologies for the infrequent posts. I have decided that my current employment situation is delicate enough that steps must be taken to pursue alternatives, and that is consuming most time that would be available for blogging. With luck, things will improve soon and I’ll be able to devote more attention to this site. Thanks!
Two adults sit together on a bed. One lays across the other’s knee, naked bottom upturned. Down comes the hand of the other across the tender flesh resting on their lap, eliciting an expulsion of breath and leaving a slowly reddening handprint on pale skin. Down comes the hand again and again, and the bare-bottomed person twists and wiggles, whimpering and gasping at each contact, but always leaving their rear end exposed and available for the next blow.
Why do we do this? What about this excites us? The idea of spanking for fun seems counter-intuitive, and yet, I bet that when you picture the above situation, you feel a certain illicit thrill. You may picture yourself as the spanker, or you may place yourself in the role of the person being spanked, but whichever role you prefer, there’s something exciting about the act of spanking. Where does that excitement come from?
My belief is that a single engine powers most of the excitement in virtually all of BDSM. The Dominance/submission dynamic is that engine, and when you look under the hood of any spanking activity or relationship, you will find the D/s engine purring smoothly away.
Spanking capitalizes on Dominance and submission in at least three different ways:
- First, there is the obvious physical domination that the spanker displays over the recipient of the spanking. Whether the submissive partner is across the Dominant partner’s knee or bent over a chair or bound to a spanking table, the fact that they are presenting themselves to the Dominant in a vulnerable position demonstrates submission in an unequivocal physical way. Any form of bondage that is involved in the scenario (one of my favorite positions in which to spank Joy, for instance, is over my knee with her hands cuffed behind her back) only adds to that physical vulnerability and submission.
- Second, spanking carries with it the connotation of a punishment utilized by a parent with a child. While frowned upon in many circles today, there’s no argument that spanking has been a traditional form of discipline in parenting for millennia. A child-parent relationship requires some level of obedience, with spanking being the time-honored method of correction for disobedience, and some of that flavor comes across into Dominant/submissive spanking. Please note that I am not saying that a submissive is necessarily child-like and or that a D/s relationship that includes spanking must have a parent/child dynamic. Feelings, atmosphere and mood, however, operate very effectively in BDSM, and some of the feeling of the traditional punishment by a parent bleeds over into BDSM spanking, heightening the sense of Dominance and submission.
- And finally, there’s the idea that spanking causes pain. That’s the point, right? While the pain may be relatively minor, it exists nonetheless. The idea that the submissive partner makes themselves vulnerable and allows the Dominant partner to cause them pain is a powerful demonstration of submission. After all, submitting to something you want to do anyway is easy. However, when your partner requires you to do something you do not want, something that causes pain for instance, and you do it anyway, well… that’s real submission.
Now let’s be clear, here. Generally the submissive partner desires to participate in the spanking, too—they like the overall experience. However, it’s somewhat rare for anyone to say that they get actual physical pleasure from the immediate act of being firmly slapped across the ass. (There are folks out there who do derive pleasure from pain, but they are not the norm, even among the active submissive population). Being spanked, even for a full-blooded submissive, doesn’t feel good in the way that receiving a warm hug or even being given oral sex feels good. Usually the physical sensation is one of pain and the submissive must endure it; they do not crave the next stroke of the belt.
However, the experience of being spanked provides the submissive with excitement–usually sexual excitement. The excitement comes because allowing themselves to be spanked provides such a clear demonstration of passing control to their partner. The excitement and arousal of giving themselves up to their partner, even in the certain knowledge that their partner means to cause them pain, paradoxically causes the submissive to desire the experience even despite the understanding that they will have to suffer the sting of the belt, hand or paddle. And to some extent, the greater the pain, the greater the submission, and therefore the greater the excitement.
I’ve focused on the submissive in my writing above, but stand everything on its head and you’ll see the same dynamic from the Dominant perspective. The Dominant gets their enjoyment of the act of spanking their partner primarily from the feeling of Dominance it provides. Each smack on the behind demonstrates quite definitely that their partner has surrendered themselves, and thereby adds to the overall excitement level.
In my opinion, it is clearly this demonstration of the D/s dynamic that gives spanking much of its juice. So, there you have it. In a rather lengthy nutshell, this is why I believe most of us like to spank each other. So what do you do with this information? Well, the strategy that occurs to me is to add to the D/s aspects to heighten the excitement a spanking generates. The more you can increase that feeling of Dominance and submission, the more powerful the spanking experience will be. Time-honored options for this would include:
- Add a little bondage—see my parenthetical above about cuffing Joy’s hands behind her back before I take her over my knee.
- Require the submissive partner to choose or fetch the instrument with which they will be spanked. “Do you want to pick the crop behind door number 1, the paddle behind door number two, or the switch behind door number 3?”
- Require the submissive partner to ask for each stroke before you deliver it. “Thank you sir, may I have another?” Or, set a number of strokes and have them count them off (and of course if they lose count you must start over).
I’m sure you can come up with more ideas on your own. As long as they reinforce Dominance and submission (and they are within your partner’s limits), they will add energy to your adventure.