Patience is one of the most under-appreciated qualities required of a good Dominant. The ability to go slow, accept progress in incremental steps, and work gradually around the limits of the submissive partner carries with it many benefits, not the least of which is that it allows greater eventual progress. Nonetheless, if you look for lists of the characteristics required for successful Domination, patience rarely appears. That’s too bad, because it is a key requirement. Let’s explore further why patience is so important.

To start, one must recognize that the very best sex you and your partner will ever have, the highest level of sexual excitement either of you will achieve, comes when the Dominant partner leads the submissive partner just past their comfort zone, out of been-there-done-that into an area where feelings of security have been left behind, and fear, though not yet in the room, can perhaps be glimpsed in the distance. In this state the submissive’s body releases adrenaline, their heart pounds, and their breath comes in gasps. In this state the submissive partner truly feels their submission. When you don’t go far enough to reach this state, then the sex may still be good or even great, but it won’t be exquisite. And if you go too far, fear strides in and the submissive partner can no longer enjoy the experience, leading to safe words being broken out and unhappy outcomes all around.

You will not achieve this target state every time you and your partner get together, and honestly, you shouldn’t even try to do so every time. It’s important to take periodic breathers in your relationship! However, shooting for this ultimate state should often be the target when you engage in a BDSM scene, and patience helps to get you there.

How does patience help?

  • Going far enough, yet not too far, requires a delicate balancing act. The Dominant may very well have an end goal in mind that is beyond the reach of the submissive partner today, something far beyond their comfort zone that will trigger a fear response if attempted. Patience enables the Dominant to approach the end goal step-by-step rather than trying to jump all the way there in one session (and note that in many cases, the steps will need to be baby steps rather than full strides). As a for-instance, suppose a Dominant partner wants their far too shy submissive partner to perform a strip tease at a party. A step-by-step approach might involve first watching a video of a strip tease together, then perhaps taking the partner to a strip club to watch dancers perform, then taking the partner to a party wearing a risque’ outfit, etc. Through the submissive partner completing each of these steps, the unreachable goal of stripping moves gradually from inconceivable to conceivable, then plausible, and finally achievable.
  • Patience prevents the Dominant from running up hard against a limit. All people (both Dominants and submissives) have limits, and many times they are not recognized until something triggers them. All kinds of limits exist, from limits against piercing to limits against same-sex play to limits against corporal punishment. In a way, a limit may be thought of as a wall that prevents further travel or exploration in a certain direction. When one crashes into a wall while travelling at a high rate of velocity, the consequences can be severe! However, when one nudges up against that same wall gently, far lesser consequences ensue, and in fact, sometimes one can even move the wall. This analogy holds true when it comes to limits as well–a serious transgression over the boundaries of a limit can end a relationship. However, gradual exploration can reveal the limit before a crash occurs, allowing the Dominant to use the above step-by-step method to approach it, and enabling them to sometimes extend or even eliminate the limit all together. When this phenomena occurs, you have definitely reached that ultimate state referenced above, and few things indeed can cause greater excitement than taking the step beyond where the limit used to be. My wife, Joy, had a limit against anal sex at one time, but through a gradual approach and patiently accepting incremental progress, she has completely overcome that limit, and in fact, anal sex is now one of her favorite activities. And the night where she finally overcame her inhibition and asked me to take her ass remains a major highlight in the annals of our sex life.
  • Being patient allows both partners to enjoy the journey. Let’s face it–our lives are nothing but a journey, and one that ends in a destination no one’s really sure they want to travel to. It’s important to savor every step that you take! This is true within a BDSM relationship as well. When the Dominant jumps immediately to an end goal, lots of possible steps get skipped, each of which might have been sufficient to approach the target state on their own. Sure, the night might turn out great, but it’s just one night. If the Dominant had worked in smaller steps toward the goal, each of the nights when a new step was taken might have turned out as good.

    To illustrate, suppose you are introducing a brand new submissive partner to bondage for the first time. The partner is an eager participant, but has tried nothing like thisbefore. You could attempt to go quite far with them down the bondage path immediately in this first encounter, applying cuffs to wrists and ankles, a blindfold, a collar and even a gag. And, assuming you don’t hit any sort of limit, both you and your partner will likely have a great night of fun! But look what you’ve just done. Your partner, who had never done anything like this, now has experience with being bound hand and foot, having their vision removed, being gagged and being collared. They will never have a “first time” for any of these things again, and the sense of newness and excitement that surround them will never be as strong. In short, you have now expanded your partner’s comfort zone to include all of the experiences you just gave them, all in one night, and remember, reaching that ideal state we discussed above requires taking them just beyond their comfort zone. A more patient approach, in which you limit your night’s adventure to the blindfold the first night, and then add the cuffs a second night, and then the gag a third, would enable you to have a chance of maximizing your excitement three times rather than just one.

I think that on my own, personal list, trustworthiness ranks as the most important quality a Dominant should possess. However, don’t underestimate patience. Patience helps maximize the pleasure for for both the Dominant, who must exercise it, and the submissive, who enjoys the benefits. And a slow, patient approach can lead to success far beyond what you might imagine, even with the most recalcitrant submissive.

Enjoy Yourself,


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