Years ago when I was single I was told several times that the best sex took place in a marriage. Never for a minute did I believe it! My experiences with girlfriends told me that the exact opposite would be true—that I’d quickly get bored with having the same partner night after night, and I’d long for variety to spice things up a bit. And with my various girlfriends, that proved to be absolutely true. Within a month or so our sex lives would become mundane, and by month three or four I’d be oh-so-ready to move on.

It’s natural to feel attraction to other people, from friends to acquaintances to celebrities to random strangers you pass on the street. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in this, even if you’re in a committed relationship or marriage. Joy, for instance, tends to often find Latin men attractive. I tease her about it when I get a chance and we share a laugh. Or the other night when we were out, we met several people we didn’t know, and afterwards as we were walking back to our car, she told me one of the men was “absolutely perfect—he should be a model!” Her statement didn’t bother me and it still doesn’t. Joy appreciates attractive men, and that’s simply normal. I can say the same thing about me—I appreciate attractive women. And if I sometimes wonder whether a woman I meet might enjoy being bound and spanked, well, that’s just a combination of my given predilections and my natural heterosexual affinity for attractive members of the opposite sex.

However, despite this natural attraction to others, and against everything I thought that I’d learned in my dating days, I have come to realize that what I heard originally is actually true. The very best sex does, indeed, take place when you are married (or in some other form of long-term, committed relationship), and more than that, it takes place with the person you are married to. Based on my learnings, this remains true even when (perhaps especially when) BDSM is added to the mix. At no point in my life has my sex life ever approached what I have today with Joy, even back in my younger, wilder days.

Why is this so? Well, partly I think it’s because I picked the right person to be with. Joy is the perfect partner for me. She has a strong personality and a highly intelligent mind, and she presents a fairly conservative exterior image. In fact, she can be downright self-effacing at times. Over the years I’ve often said that the best woman is one who is beautiful, but doesn’t actually know it, and that describes Joy very nicely. However, underneath her demure exterior, she burns with passion and sexual desire, and beneath that strong will and intelligence hides a longing to be taken and used, to be made to submit to my own desires.

So I either made a smart choice or got extremely lucky with the partner I chose. However, I don’t believe that “picking the right partner” explains everything. Instead, I think the quality of sex with your committed partner will generally always be high, provided that both of you are truly committed to each other. Why is this so? The commitment and familiarity, the very two things that I had formerly been convinced were the death of a good sex life, provide the key.

  • Commitment ensures that you take the time to understand each other, and that you care enough to learn how the other thinks and what they desire. Familiarity comes when you have learned and can effectively apply these things.
  • Commitment to the other means that you try to please your partner. Familiarity lets you know what to do to please them and how to maximize their pleasure.
  • Commitment allows you to trust your partner (and this is particularly important when it comes to BDSM). Familiarity lets you know the boundaries to stay within so as not to betray that trust.
  • Commitment lets you expose yourself—your real self—to your partner, and familiarity comes when your true self is known and accepted, and can therefore flourish.
  • Don’t take this as a paean to monogamy. The lure of exploration remains, and I suspect it won’t go away anytime soon. Joy and I have done some experimentation with including others in BDSM scenes, and I suspect further exploration is in order. It’s also not an “Ode to Joy” (sorry…couldn’t resist)– I could sing her praises all day, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. Instead, the point is that I’ve realized I was wrong for all those years, and I had it exactly backwards. When you really know your partner, both mentally and physically, and when you have a strong commitment to them, the sex gets better…lots better… precisely because you know them and are committed to them. Sex with a comparative stranger? Well, the concept carries excitement with it, but in reality, it often falls flat. And it pales in comparison to sex with someone who knows you and your body and what you like and don’t like.

    So what’s the moral of this story? I guess it’s that if you’re in a marriage or a relationship, and the physical side of things doesn’t fulfill you as much as you’d like, don’t be too quick to give up. Try moving closer instead of farther away. Try sharing yourself more, including your hidden thoughts and forbidden desires. Do you want to try tying your partner to the bed, but just know they won’t play along? Do you want them to bust out a paddle and take it to your bare bottom, but don’t dare to ask them? If you go slow, remain patient, and accept incremental gains, you might be surprised just what your partner might be into, and how far they are willing to go. And if you succeed in exploring these forbidden fantasies with them, the shared pleasure and experience will bring you closer, and give you the best sex you’ve ever had in your life. That’s right—your spouse can be the best lover ever if you give them the chance.

    Enjoy yourself,


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