My wife, Joy, has never had an orgasm that did not result from some flavor of BDSM. Oh, she’s been close…been “in the vicinity” of a climax…but she’s never actually reached the top of the mountain from plain, old, vanilla sex. All those years before we found each other, and then those additional years before we discovered Dominance and submission together, she simply went without.
My understanding is that this is not an uncommon situation for women. Many have difficulty reaching climax, and a subset simply cannot get there. That’s not a happy situation, and I’m sure that most of them, like Joy did, wonder what it’s like and wonder if they’ll ever get a chance to know. I thought it might be worthwhile to share some thoughts about how and why BDSM has helped Joy. Perhaps these same benefits might serve others as well.
First off, BDSM simply raises the overall level of excitement and arousal. One of the big pieces of advice that one hears when the topic of “pleasing a woman” comes up is to spend more time on foreplay and to wait until she is ready before you begin in earnest. This is good advice and foreplay is important—I’m definitely a fan. But here’s the thing about BDSM—the foreplay is often built right in.
The other night I met Joy in the playroom for an evening of adventure. We lay on the bed together for a few minutes talking and canoodling. After a short while, I removed her nightgown and buckled the leather cuffs on her wrists and ankles. I attached her wrist cuffs to the hook in the ceiling and then spent a few moments tactilely admiring her naked, helpless form (because how could I resist?). I then placed the blindfold over her eyes. Once her vision was obscured, I slowly inserted the carefully prepared piece of ginger into her ass and fastened it in place with our anal dildo keeper. I spent a few more minutes kissing and caressing her, allowing the heat of the ginger to build in intensity, and then commenced to administer a firm spanking, first with my hand, and then with a leather slapper. Joy squirmed and danced on her tip toes, caught between the sting of the spanking and the burn of the ginger whenever she clenched her buttocks.
Once the spanking was done, and only after all this exquisite preparation, did I bind Joy spreadeagle to the bed and have my way with her. Do you see what I mean about the foreplay being built in? We spent a lot of time playing together before sex actually took place, and all of it served to build Joy’s arousal to a fever pitch. And while it’s true that it’s possible (and sometimes fun) to have a “quickie” even in a BDSM encounter, by its very nature the general rule of BDSM is that there’s a large amount of playtime that takes place before any intercourse happens, far more than is typical in vanilla sex.
In addition, BDSM doesn’t rely solely on physical stimulation to increase arousal. In vanilla sex, especially in a marriage or long term relationship where both partners are very familiar with each other, often the physical stimulation is virtually the only source of excitement. In a BDSM encounter, however, the physical stimulation can easily take a back seat to the stimulation of the mind. Oh, the physical stimulation takes place too, and it usually is quite intense (remember the ginger and the spanking I mentioned above?), but there are also the ideas that underlie the situation that come into play. Concepts of helplessness, of being overpowered and taken, of being made to obey and made to submit to sexual conquest flow through the mind of a female submissive, and each adds fuel to the fire burning between her thighs.
Between the sheer amount of foreplay and the level of mental and physical arousal it brings, BDSM sex gets a huge head start over vanilla sex in the quest to reach orgasm. And I think that this explains much of why Joy is able to achieve a climax quite readily during a BDSM adventure when she finds it impossible during vanilla sex. However, I think there’s one additional ingredient that is also quite important.
Joy explains that something that often happens to her during a vanilla sexual encounter (either pre-Jake or with Jake) is that she finds herself losing focus—she thinks of other things, or begins to feel like a spectator and therefore become self-conscious, or starts to worry about something she’s doing or something that happened during her day. Small wonder that her orgasm deserts her—loss of focus is deadly to coming.
However, if I’m doing my job as a Dominant, I make quite certain that this does not happen during a BDSM session. Any adventure I plan includes steps to capture and keep Joy’s full attention. If I catch a hint that her mind has wandered, I have many tools to ensure that it returns to its focus. A set of nipple clamps has a way of immediately drawing a girl’s mind down into herself, and a good spanking can chase away almost any worry for at least a while. BDSM sex drags the submissive participant, even if she’s metaphorically kicking and screaming, down into herself, into the moment, into the activities and sensations she experiences. She has no choice but to focus.
Between the high level of arousal and the immediate focus on her mental and physical situation, Joy reaches a state where orgasm is easily within her grasp. She can reach out and embrace it if she desires, and when she does so, she finds it powerful and pleasurable. However, it often drains her, leaving her so hypersensitive that she cannot stand to be touched, and so spent that she wants only to fall asleep. And so, being the greedy girl (aren’t we all greedy like this?) that she is, she chooses instead to “walk the edge” of orgasm, approaching it until she can feel it about to explode within her, then pushing it away to gain some distance before she gradually approaches it again. She can often play this game for hours, always close, but never quite giving in.
In other words, Joy has become so comfortable with being able to reach orgasm that she willingly declines it in order to tantalize herself. It’s no longer something to be read about and dreamed of, but something known and measured that can now be accepted or forgone depending on her mood and inclination. What a long way from where she started, and how wonderful that BDSM has been able to take her here.
Of course, sometimes I choose to force the issue and make her come in spite of herself. But then, I’m a Dom, and you know how we Doms are…