Joy and I have a wonderful marriage! And when one writes a blog that focuses to a large extent on a marriage, one has a tendency to hit the high points and gloss over the low ones, potentially creating the perception that every day is sunny and the music never stops playing. But I’d be lying if I told you all was always wine and roses for us. Just like any couple, we have our low points—tempers get frayed, irritation levels run high, and emotions rise. That’s simply life, I’m afraid, and we all have to live it.
Unsurprisingly, when we hit a low point it tends to impact the Dominant/submissive aspects of our relationship. When Joy’s temper is triggered, her desire to submit is one of the first things to get shoved out of the way. And honestly, my desire to possess Joy vanishes rather quickly in these situations as well—-why would one want to hold close something that is actively emitting anger vibes in all directions? Therefore, when we go through one of our periodic “down” periods, the D/s part of our relationship goes on hiatus until we can get through the downturn and come out the other side.
Over time we’ve gotten much better at this. We had one hiatus in years past that lasted for three months! Over the past couple years, though, the longest D/s drought we’ve faced has been maybe a week, and typically these days it’s only a day or three. However, I have to confess that all this time I’ve had an idea in the back of my head, and I’ve wondered for a long time whether it would work if I tried it.
My thought has been that when Joy is angry at me and refuses to cooperate with submission, in reality she actually wants to be made to submit. In other words, my inevitable response to her anger—to withdraw and leave her alone to cool off—is exactly the wrong direction to go. Many times I’ve thought that I ought to push myself to proceed in the opposite direction–turn her over my knee and spank her bottom until she surrenders, and then spread her legs and use her until I’m done with her. This is not at all my natural inclination, but I must admit the idea holds a certain attraction for me, and moreover, I believe it holds a great, though unconfessed, attraction for Joy.
The obstacle I’ve faced in taking this idea for a spin has been my wife. Though we have discussed the idea that perhaps the most beneficial time for her to submit would be when she is mad, when her temper rises, that concept goes out the window. Joy, when she is angry, projects simultaneous icy disdain and a sense of imminent volcanic eruption. There is little doubt in my mind that she would fight if I were to try to turn her bottom-up, and one of us would get hurt. I don’t want that–I will not cause her harm. And so having thought my way this far down the path, I always reach an impasse—I think I know what to do, but I am not sure how to do it. It’s been a long-standing impedance to the growth of our D/s relationship.
Recently, however, we have had a potential breakthrough. During post-coital, late night pillow talk (always a high point for communication), Joy admitted to me what I have long suspected. She whispered that she believes that when she loses her temper, she needs to be made to submit, and that it would be beneficial for her if I made her do so. I agreed, but pointed out the issue–I am not willing to physically drag her off for a spanking, and therefore she must make herself minimally cooperate.
She thought for awhile, then raised the question of how this scenario, in which she must voluntarily cooperate, qualifies as me making her submit. This is, of course, a good question. My response was that she must reach an understanding within herself that our Bedroom Dominant/submissive agreement must always apply, regardless of anger or emotion or hurt feelings. She must regard it as a given, an axiom of our relationship, one that she must comply with in the same way that she must comply with the Law of Gravity. In other words, she must act as though it simply is, and there is no choice about it. If she can go that far, that gives me the tools I need, and I can take her the rest of the way to submission, even in the heat of an angry moment.
I don’t know what will come of this discussion. At the moment, things are very happy between us, so there’s no opportunity to test. However, having Joy spontaneously admit what she wants/needs is solid progress, and hopefully it is something we can build on. Another low point will come eventually, and when it arrives, I plan to push Joy to cooperate. If she will do so, I suspect the outcome will be happy, rather than volcanic, and we’ll have taken yet another big step in our relationship. If she will not, however, it will give us more fodder for late-night, post-coital conversation…