Last night Joy and I had a bit of a tiff. Oh, it wasn’t anything serious—by Joy’s own description, it was driven by a combination of hunger and the heat more than anything else. Her temper flared, mine rose in response, and there you are. We spent the rest of the evening in separate parts of the house, each doing our own thing, each with a chip on our shoulder.
At bedtime, ill will lingered. I typically cool off first, but my initial attempt at reconciliation was rebuffed, and that immediately hardened my resentment. We each went to sleep on our own side of the bed, an icy no-person’s-land of empty sheet in between us. And that was our fun night.
Things are better today—a good night’s sleep often helps bygones be bygones. But our fight isn’t really what I wanted to write about. Instead, what I want to discuss is what I believe to be the next step in our Dominant/submissive relationship.
When Joy and I have a falling out, Joy rebels. “No!” I may not touch her, and “no!” she will not listen. You’ll recall that we have a “bedroom” D/s relationship, where the boundaries of the “D” and the “s” are defined by the metaphorical bedroom walls. Well, when Joy gets mad, she essentially refuses to enter the metaphorical “bedroom” in the first place, so Dominance and submission are excluded. The nightly maintenance spanking that she usually craves is out the window, and there will be no relations until after we make up.
That’s too bad for a couple of different reasons. For one, pulling D/s off the table immediately removes our opportunity to use D/s tools to resolve the issue. Frankly, I think a good spanking would have helped things immensely last night. It would have made Joy feel better, and it would have allowed her the opportunity to give in and say (and mean) she was sorry. And in turn, this would have enabled me to forgive her and apologize myself. We would have been able to exchange the cold evening we spent on separate sides of the marital bed for a warm night mingled together between the sheets.
In addition, rebellion weakens the D/s dynamic in our relationship. Because our D/s extends only to the bedroom walls and does not exist outside them, it’s rather complicated in the first place. Refusal to participate not only adds to the complexity, but it lessens our mutual perception of Dominance and submission within the bedroom as well. In essence, it says “Joy chooses to submit only when she wants to, and Jake Dominates only when she lets him.” While this is underlying truth for any consensual D/s relationship, it doesn’t help to have it so clearly called out.
I know there’s a school of thought that says the right thing to do in the case of rebellion is to grab Joy and turn her over my knee, physically making her submit. And in my heart of hearts, I believe that Joy would actually like and applaud that behavior…after it was done successfully. However, I have two issues with forcing the submission like this. First, while Joy might like the idea later, in the heat of the moment, she would fight hard and mean, and somebody might get hurt. And second, forcing her to submit like this treads awfully close to the line of abuse.
Because of this, I refuse to go there, even if it is Joy’s secret fantasy. Instead, I think we need a mutual pact that our D/s dynamic remains in force regardless of arguments and hurt feelings, and that hiding from it by refusing to participate is out of bounds. That’s the next step we need to take in our BDSM relationship. Such a pact will allow us to leverage D/s tools to address disagreements as I mentioned above, and it will also reaffirm and strengthen our D/s dynamic. Rather than stating “Joy chooses to submit when she wants to”, it conveys the message “Joy submits to Jake regardless of whether she wants to”. And that message is, of course, the one that we prefer to hear. Joy prefers it as well—it’s what submission is all about.
We’ve tried an agreement likethis once before, and it lasted right up until the first fight, at which point it failed dramatically. However, that was more than a year ago, and our relationship has changed and deepened since that time. Perhaps now we’ve grown enough for it to work.