You know, BDSM has greatly strengthened and improved our marriage. There’s simply no comparison from where we were back in our vanilla days and where we are now. The communication between Joy and I has improved greatly, the trust between us has doubled or trebled, we have many more tools through which we can work out differences and overcome obstacles, and our sex life…well, if sex lives were cars, let’s just say that where we used to drive a nice, dependable Honda Accord, we now tool around the roads in a Ferrari.

But there’s another powerful benefit that BDSM has given us. You know what it is? BDSM has given us a hobby that we can both share in together.

Lots of people have hobbies—anything from golf to shopping can qualify. Hobbies are activities that one does because one enjoys them, and often a hobbyist can devote considerable time, dollars and attention in pursuit of their chosen pastime. But how many couples do you know that actually share a hobby? Oh, shared hobbies exist—some couples play bridge together, for instance, or root for the same sports team. But it seems to be far more common for couples to have separate hobbies—to illustrate with a stereotypical example, the husband may play golf while the wife goes shopping.

My observation has been that couples that pursue shared pastimes tend to be closer than those who devote their leisure time to separate activities. And that only makes sense. If you spend your leisure time–your most pleasurable, rest-and-relaxation hours–doing things without your partner, doesn’t that say something about your relationship? And don’t you come to associate a feeling of relaxation and pleasure with being apart?

Unlike golf or shopping, BDSM cannot successfully be practiced alone. Joy and I must do it together. We don’t need custom-fitted clubs or a credit card to practice it—the primary pieces of equipment we use are each other. And we don’t compete against each other, either—in this hobby, we work together as a two-person team focused on a common goal.

Think of that—BDSM is a hobby that lets us the two of us team up to play with each other’s mind and body to achieve the shared goal of mutual pleasure. As we play with each other, we move from a state of anticipation to fierce arousal, and then from arousal to thrills of pleasure. A successful evening of BDSM play ends with both of us in each other’s arms, satiated from the explosion of bliss that we just created together. There are few things I can imagine that could bring us closer.

Don’t get me wrong—everyone needs a little time apart, and Joy and I do have other, individual pastimes, including writing for me and antiquing for her. But our primary hobby, the thing we devote more of our thought and leisure time to than anything else, is our BDSM relationship. And that hobby is more closely shared than playing bridge could ever be.

I believe that friendship requires shared interests and shared activities. If you are unable to do fun things together, friendship becomes difficult. Back during our early marriage, in the days of our vanilla-hood, Joy and I had few pastimes that we shared. Partly this was due to lack of mutual interests, and partly it was due to competition between us. By discovering BDSM and adopting it within our marriage, however, we have found an outstanding solution to this problem. And since that time, it has allowed us to become more than just lovers who share a home. It has allowed us to become friends as well. That might well be the biggest gift it has given us.

Of course, the hot sex ranks right up there, too…

Enjoy yourself,


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