This week Joy and I are focusing on obedience. In her book, Conquer Me, Kaycee Cunningham mentions that there are two types of submissive—“service submissives” and “obedience submissives”. A service submissive gets pleasure from performing services for their partner—it is the act of doing the service and seeing its benefit to the partner that provides the excitement and good feeling. An obedience submissive, on the other hand, gets pleasure in a different way. They get pleasure from doing as they are told.
Joy definitely falls into the category of obedience submissive. Oh, it’s not that she doesn’t like to do nice things for me upon occasion—she does. However, the excitement and arousal she gets from submission stems from being told what is expected of her and then being held accountable for doing it. If there’s a hint of compulsion in there—a feeling that I’m making her obey–then that’s even better and more exciting.
In this we are extremely well-matched, as I find the idea of instructing her to do something and ensuring that she complies extraordinarily exciting as well. Oh, it can’t be just anything—my telling her to water the houseplants, for instance, wouldn’t do much for either of us (and would probably earn me a response of, “Water them yourself!”). But bedroom-related activities, now…they are where the excitement comes in.
The peak of excitement for an obedience submissive comes when the act they must perform is at least a little bit challenging for some reason:
- It could be physically challenging—“No, you may not come. It is not time yet. You have to wait.”
- It could be something the submissive would not ordinarily do, or which is perceived as a bit risky—“No panties tonight! I know your skirt is cut above your knee. You’ll just have to be careful.”
- It could also be a little embarrassing or even degrading in some way—“Yes, you are going to wear this leash, and yes, you have to stay on all fours.”
Why does the challenge make the act of obedience more exciting? It’s because the degree of submission is greater if it is hard to obey. If your partner tells you to do something and you want to do it—that’s easy! But if they tell you to do something and it’s hard for you to do in some way, so that you have to make yourself overcome your internal objections to comply, the level of submission goes way up. It’s like your mind tells itself, “See? I must have been conquered if I’m letting him (or her) make me do this.”
The last bullet in the list—the one about embarrassment– is where the idea of humiliation comes into BDSM. There are many types of humiliation, some mild and some severe, but all of them share this common trait–they require the submissive to subjugate themselves to the will of their Dominant partner to such an extent that obedience becomes more important (and more pleasurable) than their personal dignity…at least temporarily. Joy and I don’t delve much into the depths of humiliation, but occasionally a tinge of this has managed to creep into our activities.
Joy’s mantra for obedience week is “I will do as I am told.” Note that our Dominant/submissive relationship remains confined mostly to the bedroom, so the mantra doesn’t apply to non-sexual activities. But within the realm of all things sexual, Joy is to follow instructions, comply with requirements, and do as she is told. Whenever she is confronted with a challenging activity that might require her to overcome an internal obstacle, she is to focus on her mantra and make sure she obeys.
Some might wonder why a focus on obedience would be necessary. Isn’t the practice of “doing what you are told” pretty much always the case in the sort of relationship we have? Well, to some extent that’s true, but in this week we test that obedience. We seek to find ways to require obedience that present a challenge as I described above.
Others might feel that perhaps this might be a bit strict or severe, or that it’s hard on Joy. Can I just tell you that so far it has been an amazingly fun and exciting week for both of us? I don’t know when we’ve been better connected and more thrilled with each other than over the past several days. Frankly, we’ve pretty much both been in a sexual lather all day every day, absolutely dying to fall into bed together when we get home. In short, the week has been a huge success. If you don’t already have one on your calendar, I heartily endorse adding an obedience week to your schedule in the near future!