I have written many times how conflicted Joy feels with her realization that she desires to be…longs to be…Dominated. Her desires struggle against her inhibitions, and the tide of her submission ebbs and flows with how the battle goes. Sometimes we fall back, but over time the tide seems to creep gradually up the shore, each wave coming farther and farther up onto the sand. Ever so slowly she appears to be coming to terms with her desire, accepting rather than fighting herself.

We have had several conversations recently in which she’s expressed a need for me to take charge more forcefully. One of her requests has been for me to stop concerning myself so much with whether she likes or enjoys something, and instead do what I want to do. We have had this conversation before in the past, and usually within a week of when we discuss it, something happens that scares or intimidates her (and by the way, it isn’t necessarily something I say or do that causes this–the trigger could easily come from an external source) and she retreats in the opposite direction. So far this time that retreat has not happened. I’m not certain yet if it’s because of her growing acceptance or if we simply have gotten lucky and avoided hitting a trigger.

Whatever the reason, we seem to be making progress. You know, something that I ought to point out is that Joy isn’t the only one who grows. I grow as well, often because of lessons she teaches me. I have definitely become better at Dominance over the years–more patient, more accepting, more willing to lose a battle to win a war. When Joy talked about anticipation in her post yesterday, she rightly points out that it doesn’t work well for her. That’s unfortunate, because I personally love anticipation, often feeling that it’s the best part! But she’s right that she doesn’t fare well with it, and learning (and re-learning) lessons like that are one way that I have grown.

Joy’s point about me needing to simply do what I want rather than worrying about what she wants is a good one as well. As I believe I’ve mentioned before, I get much of my own pleasure from giving pleasure to her. This creates an odd dynamic, in which I strive to excite Joy and by doing so, gain excitement for myself, and that leads us precisely into the scenario that she describes. Over the last several months, however, I’ve begun to try to take a longer view of things and realize that, in a sense, doing what I want is giving her what she wants…even if what I want isn’t really something that she wants. (How’s that for a confusing sentence?) This change appears to have been beneficial, and I credit at least a portion of the progress we’ve made to it.

However, it’s interesting that Joy is asking for “more of the same, and thank you, Sir!” I plan to oblige–after all, that’s the direction I want to go as well. However, I will proceed carefully to try to avoid causing another retreat. And I wonder if Joy is really aware of what she asks for with this. For instance, she has just pointed out that she doesn’t like to anticipate things. But I love to create anticipation in others. And so if I do what I want and don’t worry about what she wants…where does that leave us?

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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