Guest Post by Joy

It has been more than six months since I have written a post for Jake–the last one was right about the end of the year. Jake likes to know what is on my mind but, frankly, I still have difficulty with sharing what I’m thinking. We are (or at least I am) still in the whispering-in-the-dark stage.

My New Year’s Resolutions, if you remember them, quickly fell by the wayside. The first one I let go was to keep up with Jake’s blog on a regular basis. Something about having strangers peek into things that I have a hard time looking directly at myself, in spite of my immediate involvement, scared me off. I tend to be extremely private even in mundane matters, and the things he writes about are definitely not mundane.

In fact, I have learned that the less we speak of things, the more adventurous I am able to become. Nothing puts me off like Jake wanting to talk about the things we do in the bedroom or the playroom out in the open, in the kitchen or while I’m out in the garden. I do NOT want to discuss paddles or dildos while trying to braise the Brussels sprouts for dinner. I can give on-scene evaluations quite easily, but I do not want to be involved in the planning.

An experiment that I read about during my undergraduate studies has come to mind repeatedly over the past few weeks or months, and I needed to share it with Jake as a way to help explain at least one thing that affects my willingness to try new things. It has to do with anticipation. The experiment was done years ago on monkeys, and I think it would be considered too cruel to do today. I am sure that there are those out there who will be familiar with the experiment and be able to point out my inaccuracies. I am only relying on memory and trying to explain what meaning I took from the experiment.

From what I remember, one monkey was placed in a cage with a bottom that would shock its feet unless it pressed a button. If it pushed the button, it would delay the shock for a minute. It had to keep pushing the button over and over again to delay the shock. The other monkey was placed in a cage with a bottom that would shock its feet at random intervals for absolutely no reason at all. One monkey could control the shocks, and one was at the mercy of the cage bottom. It was my expectation as a young student that the monkey with no control would feel far more stress than the other, because it could never know when the next shock was coming and could do nothing to prevent it. But it turned out the exact opposite was true. The stress the first monkey felt because of having to push the button to prevent the shock was so strong that it died. The second monkey, the one that had no control, survived.

I agree with Jake that anticipation is often exciting, but for me it’s exciting only when the thing I am anticipating is already well known, tried and true. When it comes to anticipating new things, there is always a possibility that I might be excited but in reality I am much more often scared. In spite of what some might think of submissives (or maybe that’s just me), I am worthless when I am afraid. Scenarios involving candle wax drippings and a Wartenberg wheel spring immediately to mind. Had either of them been sprung on me completely by surprise, without letting me anticipate them, those scenes might not have ended in shambles.

As Jake has said, I am far more receptive and experimental when I am excited. Something that was too large to insert becomes just the right size, or the nipple clamps that used to hurt become accepted or even needed. So to Jake: bring it on. Just, please, make sure I’m warmed up first and don’t tell me what it is in advance!

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