Joy and I have had some interesting and productive conversations lately about being “made” to do things. Let’s start out by stipulating that in a consensual Dominant/submissive relationship, no one is ever truly made to do anything. The submissive partner can always decline to do something, and the Dominant partner must respect their decision to do so. In most cases, however, the submissive partner does not want to decline…
You see, there’s an interesting phenomena that seems to occur within those who desire to play a submissive role. They reach a point where submitting to the easy stuff isn’t enough. What do I mean by easy stuff? Well, suppose being bound to the bed and ravaged really catches your fancy. How hard will it be to submit to this when your partner decides to enact it? Sure, the first time you actually find yourself tied hand and foot to the four-poster will likely be a real turn-on! But you know what? That turn-on will fade quickly, because there’s no real submission taking place. After all, you wanted to be tied this way–where’s the submission in letting it happen? You can argue that you’ve given up control in this scenario–after all, you allowed your partner to bind you spreadeagle across the bed with no clothes on–but that’s as far as the submission goes, and that’s why I call this the easy stuff.
Eventually easy submission loses its luster, and the submissive begins to crave something more. They desire to feel that they have truly given up control, that they are no longer in charge. They want to feel that they must follow instructions, that their Dominant partner will use them as they choose and they have little to no say in the matter. Or at least, this is what’s happened to Joy.
To create that feeling, the submissive must submit to hard stuff…to things that they may not want to do. This is where the idea of pain comes in, for instance. Let’s use Joy as an example. Submitting to a spanking creates a whole maelstrom of churning emotion within Joy. On the one hand, it hurts! A good spanking can make her bottom sting rather ferociously, and consequently her immediate reaction is to try to get away, to make the stinging stop! On the other hand, however, the idea that she has given up control and that I decide when the spanking stops, not her, carries a strong, erotic lure–strong enough that she chooses to forget that she could opt out if she desired to.
This dynamic extends to other submissives beyond Joy and to other experiences beyond pain, by the way. It applies in a very similar way, for instance, to humiliation, and even to acts of service which the submissive is not enthusiastic about performing. Under the right circumstances, it would probably be possible to make doing the laundry erotic if the Dominant partner gave proper instructions and expected them to be followed.
And this brings us to the reason I’m writing this post. Joy and I have spoken on this topic several times over the past week or two, and she has admitted that she desires to be made to do things she does not want to do. She wants to be spanked beyond what she can handle, to the point of tears. She wants to be used for sex, so that I take my pleasure in her without worrying about her pleasure. She wants to go past “no” and “stop”, so that she feels she has no control. Joy wants to truly feel that she has surrendered. Joy wants me to “do it anyway”, despite what she says or how she reacts.
This is a big deal for her–she doesn’t confess things like this easily, and the fact that she has done so means she feels a powerful desire for this. Sounds tremendous, right? What more could a Dominant want?
But the reality is that this idea is presenting me with a challenge. I get tremendous satisfaction from making Joy happy, and this applies both in our relationship in general and more specifically in the bedroom. I love my wife, and I want to take care of her, and I want to give her pleasure. Therefore, the concept of taking her to tears, or not taking “no” for an answer, or of using her body in a way that gets me off but leaves her unfulfilled is difficult for me to come to terms with. I love to take control of her, and I love the idea of requiring her do things, but when push comes to shove, it’s hard for me to make her do something she does not enjoy or does not want to do.
I guess this is my own particular limit, and it’s one that I’m working to get past. I am well aware that the fact that she does not want to do something is precisely what makes her want to do it, and that’s what I have to focus on to make progress. And progress is being made, by the way, slowly but surely.
Anyway, that’s what’s going on at our house this weekend.
Note: Despite Joy’s desire, the concept of a safe word still applies. We have one, and it will continue to be respected if Joy chooses to use it.