There is a lot of power in saying, “No.” It puts an end to a line of inquiry, shuts down a suggestion and denies a request. Saying no asserts that you have control over the decision you are being asked to make, and places the requestor in the position of supplicant. Saying no puts you far more firmly in charge than simply saying yes.
Because of this, saying no is sometimes the best thing for a Dominant to do, even when they ordinarily wouldn’t mind granting their submissive partner’s wish. Sometimes it’s the best thing even when the Dominant desires to grant their wish. And sometimes it’s the best answer even when the Dominant has actively fed the wish, nutured it, making it grow within their partner like a flower longing to blossom.
The traditional example for this revolves around the submissive partner’s orgasm. In many relationships, the submissive partner must ask permission before they come, and it’s considered an offense worthy of punishment to forget or ignore this rule. In such a relationship, the Dominant may very well take steps to bring their partner right to the brink of climax, resulting in a request to come. Of course, the Dominant could grant permission—this would make his other half happy, give them pleasure, give them release.
But consider the effect if he should, instead, tell them “no”. “No, you may not come.” What if he leaves them fully aroused and supremely excited, but unfulfilled, choosing not to grant their desire?
By doing so, the Dominant greatly emphasizes who holds the power in the relationship. They can, at a whim, decide to deny their partner’s greatest desire. And by submitting to this decision, even though it may be the very last thing that they want to do at the moment, the submissive demonstrates that they have fully given control over to the Dominant.
Is this denial cruel? Is it cruel to create a need or desire like this, bring it to the forefront of your partner’s mind, fixate their attention and their energy and their longing upon it, and then take it away from them? Of course it’s cruel…in a way. Or rather, it’s cruel in a good way. For in a true D/s relationship, the submissive’s greater need and higher desire is to submit, and it overpowers even the immediate physical and emotional craving for orgasm. And in the end, the feeling of being truly Dominated, having even such a basic desire governed by their partner, creates more happiness and pleasure in the submissive than the physical release would.
Joy and I do not have a rule like this in place—she is free to achieve her climax whenever she feels it upon her. However, that doesn’t mean we don’t play with the concept of denial, of saying “No.” A week or two ago I wrote about an evening where I put Joy in a harness with two internal dildos set in it, one for her front opening, and one for her back. When she was nicely filled and the harness was strapped in place, I cuffed her hands to the collar she wore so that she could not use them to free herself, put her to bed, and then went to sleep, even though she was fully aroused, her nipples erect and her breath coming in gasps. This is an example of saying “No”. Though I didn’t ever instruct her that she couldn’t come, I took away her ability to bring herself to orgasm and made an explicit choice not to help her get there myself.
One may use denial in many ways beyond denying orgasm.
- “What’s that? I said we’d stop at ten strokes? Well, let’s just add a couple more—I don’t feel quite done yet.”
- ”You think that tonight’s too formal, and you’d rather wear panties out? No, I expect you to be bare under your skirt just as usual, formal or not.”
- ”The left nipple clamp feels a little tight? But the right one’s okay…hmm, well let’s tighten the right one up a notch just to make them even then.”
- ”Do you want this in your mouth? Do you? No, I don’t think so. I don’t think I’m going to give it to you to suck on. You haven’t earned it.”
There is great power in the word “No”. Use it wisely, but do use it.