I’ve noticed over time that Joy’s submission comes in different flavors. The particular flavor can vary from day to day or week to week, and each brings with it its own experience. And though each is worth savoring, I have to confess that I find some flavors more to my taste than others.

Sometimes Joy’s submission is begrudging. She knows she ought to submit, and in her heart she knows she wants to, but in the heat of the moment it’s difficult, and she must bite her tongue and make herself comply. Begrudging submission often comes with a frown or a grimace, and it takes a lot of effort and patience to move her beyond her resistance and into the state of exultation we both desire. Begrudging submission is hard on a Dominant because it eats up so much energy to work through, but it offers a benefit as well. It offers challenge, and I feel triumphant when I can break through her mood.

Sometimes Joy’s submission is hungry. Generally her hunger is driven by sex and arousal—perhaps she’s read or seen something that triggers a fantasy, and she cannot wait to be taken to bed and ravished. Her hunger may be for a specific act (*cough*cough*Anal sex* cough*) or just for general sexual Domination, but it is powerful and consumes her. Though it is always fun to ride this particular tiger, when she feels like this Joy almost demands to submit, and because of this it raises the question of who is really in control here. If Joy requires me to Dominate her, am I truly playing the Dominant role? Or is she?

At times Joy’s submission is passive. “Yes, Jake,” is her response to almost every instruction, and she will let me bend and mold her as I desire. “Lie like this,” I say, or “Now, Joy, suck on it!” She moves quietly to comply, and I get my will. Spankings are received with a whimper, and indignities are suffered in silence. While the surface is calm, generally stoic passivity is a bad sign, portending turbulence beneath the surface, perhaps at a level so deep that even Joy has not yet realized its cause. Communication is warranted to help get to the root of whatever percolates inside her. When Joy’s submission feels like this, I take steps to lighten the mood, or perhaps even walk away from BDSM for a few days to let her recuperate.

There are days when Joy’s submission is needy. She wants to feel close, to feel safe, to feel protected. She submits to my desires, but I’d best step carefully and avoid situations and scenarios that create a feeling of objectification. When neediness possesses Joy’s submission, she wants me to reinforce my love for her and her value as an individual, and activities that support this prove most beneficial. Paradoxically, this can include such things as spanking and bondage, provided that they emphasize closeness and our connection. Such things as blindfolds or hoods, which promote anonymity, or roleplays in which I use Joy for my pleasure tend to go in the wrong direction, and generally don’t work out well.

But the best times come when Joy’s submission is eager. Her eagerness is driven mostly by her own desire, but holds as well a tinge of fear concern about consequences should she fail to submit. She works at her submission, both giving more and taking more in the process. She wants to submit, to be a good girl, to please me and be praised for her efforts. This state is most easily achieved after some sort of transgression and punishment, and it lasts for only a few days and so must be enjoyed to its fullest extent while it exists. During these periods we make more progress in our D/s than any other, and our relationship seems to be strongest and happiest.

Of course, there are also times when I have pushed too far or failed to heed the warning signs and Joy’s submission goes on hiatus. As the Dominant partner, I take ownership of these episodes, and I’m not proud of them. However, each time we pass through this situation we both learn a little more about ourselves and each other, and therefore they, too, are valuable in their own way.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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