”I don’t like to be tied up.”
Every once in awhile in my relationship with Joy, I get to work magic. I know you probably don’t believe in magic, but in this case, that’s what it feels like. I get to make an obstacle, something that’s been blocking our progress, vanish, and through some sort of BDSM theory of relativity, its disappearance creates a massive burst of excitement that burns for Joy and I like fire in the darkness. It may not require a wand or a book of spells, but it’s magic nonetheless.
Like all good acts of sorcery, this requires lengthy preparation. In fact, the best way I can think to describe the process is to liken it to planting a flower. Growing something from seed is magic of a kind, and to do so successfully takes considerable time and effort. First I must prepare the soil, making sure the seed bed is fertile. Then I carefully choose and place a magical seed, covering it lightly and leaving it there hidden in the warm, dark soil. Over time I must carefully water and nourish it, watching over it to help it grow. If I have chosen wisely and do a good job of taking care of it, the seed will sprout and I can force it to bloom. And in the act of flowering, it will imbue Joy and I with its power, transporting us to a new plateau of Dominance and submission, granting us extraordinary feelings of arousal and excitement, and providing us with some of the best sex of our lives.
”I’m sorry, I can’t make you come in my mouth. It’s gross! I don’t like it.”
Naturally, I’m not really talking about working spells or even gardening here. Instead, I’m talking about those wonderful, enchanted moments when a submissive, despite what they have told their partner and despite what they have told themselves, discovers that they can and will, in fact, do something they said they never would. And if the Dominant partner did a good job of selecting the proper magic seed to plant, the submissive finds that not only can they do it, and not only will they do it, but that they actually want to do it. In fact, they often realize that they secretly desired to do it all along.
To a large extent, this is a reference to the process of overcoming limits. Limits are a meaty topic and one I’ve written about before, so I’m going to refer you to my previous posts for definitions and more description if you want to read about them. For today, suffice it to say that there are many types of limits, and in general, I’m focused more on soft limits in this post (though limits have a way of changing over time, and what was once hard can sometimes become soft) as they are more malleable and easier to work with.
”Oh, I could never do that! You’d never respect me again if I let you into my ass!”
Working with limits is dangerous and touchy territory. Proceeding slowly, watching your partner for caution signs and taking satisfaction in incremental progress are definitely in order here! Be willing to take a step back now to obtain two steps forward later. And remember the following:
- We practice only consensual BDSM. Forcing your partner to do something they truly do not want to do is not permissible—don’t do it!
- Trust is paramount here! Betraying your partner’s trust, even in a minor way, will lead to failure. Mean what you say and say what you mean when working with a limit, and show understanding and patience rather than frustration.
- ”Baby steps.” Say it with me! “Baby steps!” Remember the flower metaphor I used above. It will almost certainly take months for whatever flower you plant to bloom, and it may well take years. It’s also possible you selected the wrong seed and it will never flower. But taking baby steps and being patient gives you the best chance for success.
”The thing I’m afraid of is being tied spread-eagled to the bed. I’d be too helpless!”
Planting one of these magic seeds is relatively easy—it can be as simple as mentioning the action or situation you desire, though it helps if you bring it up in a situation when your partner is receptive to hearing about it. However, deciding on what seed to plant presents one of the biggest challenges for the Dominant partner. Partly that decision is governed by what you, as the Dominant, want. If you’re not interested in pony play, why plant a seed for it? But to a great extent it’s governed by the submissive partner as well, and that presents a challenge. How can you tell what limits might prove to be overcome-able?
Until science develops that mind-reading device I’ve been waiting for, I’m afraid my best advice is the following:
- Plant more than one seed. That way if you guess wrong on one, you have others growing away unseen underground. Another advantage to this is that the seeds grow individually and at different rates, so when one blooms, another may already be half-way to maturity.
- Listen to your partner when you bring up the act or situation you are interested in, but listen with your eyes as well as your ears. How do they react? Was there any sign of interest despite what their words said? Do they react differently to the idea when they are in the throes of passion (and therefore ruled by their desire) then when they are fully clothed and sitting in the kitchen?
- Remember the line I’m about to mis-quote from Shakespeare—“Methinks he doth protest too much.” My experience with Joy has been that the acts she immediately declares out of bounds sometimes prove the most fruitful to focus on, especially if her actions betray interest and belie her words.
- Use any external knowledge you have about your partner to help make a determination. For instance, Joy hates the sight of blood in all situations, and anything that triggers that association for her immediately turns her off. Because of this, we’ll never pursue any sort of edge-play. She has a hard limit there, and any seeds sown around this topic would be futile.
”I could never do that with another woman!”
Once the seed has been planted, leave it alone for awhile. Remember too much water kills a plant just as surely as too little. If you bring up the act you desire day after day, or even week after week, you’ll create a feeling of pressure that will be counterproductive. Plant your magic seed and let it be. Come back after a month or two and check gingerly to see if it needs water. Take your very first baby step towards it and see what happens. Use your partner’s reaction to gauge when the ground needs moisture, but err on the side of too little rather than too much. With luck, patience and perseverance, you’ll begin to see signs of sprouting.
How do you water the seed you planted? That very much depends on your partner, the act or situation you are striving for, and you. In other words, I can’t tell you what you should do. However, in general, I’ve found that approaching your desired activity slowly, leveraging fantasy to help lead toward reality, and using your partner’s own hidden desires to assist you all can play a key role.
There’s much more that could be said on this topic, but I’ve probably droned on long enough for today. As a final note, l wanted to point out that all of the italicized quotes that have appeared in this post are things that Joy at one time or another said to me. All of them represented limits that she defined in our relationship at some point. All of them have since been overcome. And while I took credit above for being the one to work these acts of magic, the reality is that I only instigated them. Joy did the really hard work herself, and we only succeeded where we did because she wanted us to.