I have a question directed toward female readers. They’re the ones in the best position to know, as it has to do with vibrators.

Joy and I own several models of vibrator, and we’ve tried quite a few others that we no longer own for one reason or another. We have used traditional vibrators, we have used anal vibrators, we have used rabbit vibrators, and we even have used one that’s made to simulate (sort of) a thrusting-in-and-out motion. A few we didn’t like, but most have been, at a minimum, serviceable.

Many vibrators offer variable speeds, and that makes sense. Sometimes it’s fun to ramp things up–we often begin our play on “low” until Joy is good and lathered up, at which point I increase the vibration velocity to push her well and truly over the edge into ecstasy. And Joy, when she has played solo, likes to be able to adjust the speed to match her level of excitement as well.

However, in addition to the basic “low, medium, high” speed settings, many models of vibrator have begun to offer vibration patterns. In other words, rather than a constant bzzzzz, these vibrators have one or more pre-programmed patterns of buzzing, where the speed of the vibration varies from zero to high according to a built-in script. Sometimes the script calls for a constant series of quick buzzes (bzz…bzz…bzz…bzz), sometimes it calls for long, then short (buuuzzz…bzz…buuzzzz..bzz), and sometimes the pattern is more complicated than that.

This behavior seems to be more prevalent among the higher-end toys, and especially with the rabbit vibrators. One model offers three different patterns, the next offers four, and another offers seven. The message in the online advertising for that last model seems to be implying “Why settle for three when you can have seven???”

Do you remember back in the 70’s when blenders came out for the kitchen? I’d never heard of one (I was, after all, a child), and then all of a sudden they were all over TV commercials, and in between sitcoms we’d sit through an add for the latest offering from Hamilton Beach or Cuisinart or Kitchenaid. Each blender claimed to be better than the last, and one of the ways they tried to differentiate themselves was by the number of different speed settings they offered. One had three settings, another seven, and when my family finally caved and bought one, the model we purchased had eleven different speed settings, if I remember correctly.

Do you know what we discovered after we unpacked that monstrosity from it’s box and set it up on the countertop? Once you turned it on, it kind of didn’t really matter whether you pushed the button for chop or whip or puree. The noise the blender made was different, and I’m sure the blades turned faster, but the end result? It was still a milk shake or a fruit slushee. The extra speed settings were superfluous.

That’s kind of our feeling on these various different pre-recorded vibration patterns. We’ve tried them together, and the net result when we use them is less, rather than more, excitement. Joy’s tried them solo as well, and she tells me she’d prefer a constant buzz and to use her hands to vary the angle and location of the vibrator to match exactly what feels best, rather than relying on a built in pattern. In other words, just like puree, they are superfluous.

Actually, I find them worse than that–they’re often a slight obstacle. Usually the vibrator cycles through the various settings, starting with the constant buzz at low, medium and high and then moving into the patterns. If you accidentally go too far and pass the high setting, you have to cycle through all the pattern options and then back through low and medium to get back to high. Not that big a deal, I know, but it’s inconvenient.

So, anyway, this brings me to my question for readers. Are Joy and I missing something here? Do some of you like the vibration pattern options, and if so, how do you use them? I’d hate to think we missed out on an opportunity for fun and excitement, so if you’re a fan of these things, please educate us!

Thanks very much for any information you provide, and enjoy yourself!

Jake

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