By successfully adding consensual BDSM to your marriage, you can strengthen your relationship and bring yourself and your spouse closer together than you ever were before.
I know this is a strong statement, and it does require a few caveats which I will elucidate in part two of this post, but nonetheless I believe it to be true. It has proven to be true in my own marriage, and in hindsight, I can understand why it works this way. I believe the reasons it works generalize across other couples and other relationships beyond my own. But there’s no question it came as a surprise to me.
After all, who would expect that adding spanking, Dominance/submission and bondage to a relationship would make it healthier and happier? I confess that this seems completely non-intuitive to me. Wouldn’t one partner compelling the other to submit make for the exact opposite of a healthy relationship? Wouldn’t one partner taking the other over their knee and paddling their bottom create feelings of resentment and unhappiness rather than harmony and tenderness? But despite what intuition might say, I remain steadfast in my belief that BDSM can be extremely positive for a marriage.
Joy and I dated for about a year before we got engaged. Our engagement lasted about four months, and we lived together until the wedding. Despite this time, however, I’d say that we barely knew each other when we took our vows. Marriage came as quite a shock to both of us, I think. It’s one thing to be a dating couple—we both had plenty of experience at that. But marriage brings a whole new dimension to a relationship.
For the first couple years we were married we remained completely vanilla. During this time, I’d say that our sex life was…”adequate” seems to be a good word. Joy has told me that she had resigned herself to having “monotonous” sex. The romance and excitement that we felt when we were dating faded away into a kind of roommates dynamic, in which we discussed the events of our lives at a sort of superficial level, without really sharing deep needs and emotions. If you asked us, I think we’d both have told you we were happy, but I also think that both of us would have been mentally crossing our fingers at fibbing at least a little bit.
Now, you can say that Joy and I simply didn’t have a very strong relationship at the time, that the issues I listed were a consequence, and that other couples don’t necessarily have the same problems. I’ll grant you that some don’t appear to, but I’d like to also point out how many other couples feel very much the same way we did. In fact, the state of affairs I describe appears so common that it’s become almost a sort of cliché of marriage. I think many, many couples settle for this, feeling that it’s the best that their life has to offer, and wondering secretly whether their life would be different, or better, if they’d chosen another mate.
The situation changed gradually for us. I’ve always been somewhat experimental in bed, and while my perception was that Joy was not, I nonetheless tried occasionally to get beyond the basics. Joy tells me that she her impression was that I was traditional and kind of prude, and therefore she was afraid to try anything wild because it might make me look down on her. Obviously we were experiencing a major communication breakdown, and though it lasted for several years, with both of us wanting more adventure in our sex life something eventually had to give.
Our first major breakthrough came in the area of anal sex. I had had anal sex with other women before we were married, and had been patiently working for literally years on creating an opportunity to experiment with entering Joy’s luscious ass, but she’d been resistant. She tells me that she knew she wanted to try it, but she felt ashamed to admit it.
One afternoon, during a Sunday “nap”, she confessed the desire that had been building up inside of her. That afternoon I buried myself in her bottom, and we set a new record for the best sex of our marriage. It was followed by many repeat performances. Several months later we started to add leather and a little light bondage to our sexual rendezvous, and then a little heavier bondage after that. Over time we introduced elements of Dominance and submission, experimented with light pain, and finally, early last year, incorporated spanking into our repertoire. Most recently we have begun to move the D/s part of our relationship outside the bedroom walls, and while that particular migration has had some setbacks, nonetheless we continue to grow the BDSM part of our relationship together.
So, what did this metamorphosis do for our marriage? Well, one nice effect certainly was that it moved our sex life from “adequate” to “sensational”. For those of you who are rolling your eyes and thinking “there’s more to a relationship than sex”, while you’re right, I believe that sex plays an extremely important role in a marriage, and that excellent sex can help your relationship in many ways. Don’t you feel closer to your partner when they’ve just given you a mind-blowing orgasm, and you’re both collapsed together in bed soaking in the afterglow? Doesn’t mutually fulfilled desire lead to affection, and shared good times lead to companionship?
However, the addition of BDSM provided other, more profound impacts as well. Trust is an essential component of BDSM. The submissive partner must trust in their Dominant half to take care of them, both mentally and physically, for the duration of their submission. And the Dominant partner must live up to that trust—failure to do so causes a collapse of the relationship. With each step into submission Joy took, she tested my trustworthiness, and each time that I proved myself trustworthy, it enabled her trust to deepen. And that trust carries beyond the boundaries of BDSM, into the rest of the relationship as well. Joys knows that I will care for her and take care of her when she needs it, both in the bedroom and in the rest of our life. And in turn, I know that I can trust Joy.
The other area I feel our adventures in BDSM made a huge difference is in communication. Look—we all know that good communication leads to a good marriage, while bad communication…well, you can finish the sentence. Prior to the advent of BDSM in our life, our communication was mediocre at best. Joy has a temper, and her anger sometimes got in the way of talking. When I get upset, I get distant, and that doesn’t make for much conversation either. Between the two of us, we simply didn’t talk well about tough subjects.
But BDSM forces us to have tough conversations. We must talk about important things, like deep-seated needs and serious fears. We discuss topics rife with embarrassment, such as a desire to be made to surrender, or an interest in some sort of activity that the “real world” would consider shameful. And when we discuss these topics—discussions which happen as a matter of course as we grow and progress in BDSM–we practice for tough conversations about other topics, and we learn ways to approach potentially explosive subjects without setting off the explosion.
That’s what has happened in our marriage since we started down the “dark path” of bondage, dominance/submission, and light sadism/masochism. I have no doubt that Joy and I are far closer today than we ever were before we began our journey—we know each other in ways we never imagined. And I have no doubt that our love and commitment to each other is stronger than it ever was. BDSM has been a hugely positive influence in our relationship, and I’m so grateful that we discovered it together.
In part two of this post, I’m going to talk about why I believe that this experience would apply quite well in many other marriages and for many other couples…even (especially) those who are completely vanilla today. I’ve droned on long enough for tonight, though, so…