Oral Submission

One of the things I most like to do during a scene is to make Joy submit to me orally.

No, not that kind of orally–though, come to think of it, that’s also one of my favorite things to do. But what I mean it that I like to require her to use words to express her submission.

We learn to use language from infancy, and by the time we reach adulthood, it has become deeply embedded in our minds. In fact, most (all?) people carry on a running, inner monologue in their heads as they think, expressing their thoughts and feelings in words within their the confines of their head. Many of these words never exit that inner monologue–the brain chooses to censor them before they can be uttered. This process, carried on behind the opaque walls of our mind, allows us to think all kinds of things that we don’t care to admit, including those things that in the light of day we would call “unthinkable”. Because they exist only in the privacy of our minds, we retain deniability and feel safe, even if sometimes a bit guilty. Even that guilt can be assuaged, however, by telling ourselves that we are only thinking to ourselves, nothing more.

When words escape that inner monologue and exit via the tongue to open air and the ears of another, however, we lose that deniability. Instead, by virtue of those words, we admit our thoughts to both the listener and, more importantly, to ourselves. In fact, we are forced to acknowledge thoughts that we might have hidden from, and confront ideas or fantasies that may trigger our sense of fear or shame. In a sense, our spoken words make our inner thoughts more real.

In a BDSM context, this idea carries much importance and can be used in a varitey of ways. For instance, many people hold unspoken fantasies within them that they feel afraid of or ashamed to admit. Being required to speak those fantasies aloud can help overcome these negative feelings, and can help fuel the desire to make the fantasy real. If you can say it, many times you can do it.

“Joy?”

“What…?”

“Joy, you want to be made to lick another woman’s pussy, don’t you? … Don’t you?”

“…yes…”

“Tell me. Tell me what you want!”

“…I want to lick another woman’s pussy….”

“No, that’s not it. Tell me what you want!”

“…I want to be made to lick another woman’s pussy…oh my God, I do…”

This effect can be so powerful that sometimes just saying something can make it so, even if it was not necessarily so before you said it.

“Joy, do you want me to spank you tonight?”

“Yes…”

“Do you want me to spank you with the crop? The one that bites?”

“…if you want to…”

“No, answer me. Do you want me to spank you with the crop?”

“…yes…”

“Tell me what you want.”

“…I want you to spank me with the crop…”

Expressing something in words repeatedly can also act as a reinforcement, strengthening an idea, adding reality to it bit by bit.

Joy, who do you belong to?”

“You.”

“These pretty lips…who do they belong to?”

“To you.”

“And these pretty lips–who do they belong to?”

“You.”

And finally, there’s the idea of adding an extra level of submission by requiring your partner to request something that they aren’t very sure that they want in the first place…

“Joy, shall I spank you a little harder? Wouldn’t that be fun?”

“…”

“Joy, wouldn’t you like me to spank you harder? Ask me to spank you harder.”

“…ummm…”

“Ask me to spank you harder.”

“Would…you spank me harder…?”

“Of course, my dear, since you ask.”

All of these are examples of the spoken word’s ability to embody thought and imbue it with power. In some cases, that power can be leveraged to overcome limits or travel down an unexplored path. In others, it can be used to heighten Dominance and increase the feeling of submission. But in each case, the words take what existed first in the imagination and help to make it real.

The first kind of oral submission can be great fun–I’ll be the first one to admit that. But you know what? This other kind…the verbal kind…it can be just as much fun if you use it right.

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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7 Responses to Oral Submission

  1. t1klish says:

    There might be a thing or two that I intentionally left off my “Won’t Do” list that he could try, but he hasn’t. There aren’t any things I want that I can’t admit to myself though. There are the definitely want’s, the would like to try’s, and then the list of you’d have to kill me and force my dead body to do them things.

  2. Conina says:

    Mmmm, mind games.

    My husband also likes to make me ask for things I have a hard time verbalizing. I believe the power in forcing the words from me gets him off just as much as any more physical thing.

    • Jake says:

      Okay, Conina–you’re onto us Dominants. I didn’t mention it in my post, but yes, we very much like to force our partners to admit their kinky desires. It’s definitely a power thing for us!

  3. faerie says:

    I love this post, it almost sounds like you have listened in on my husband and myself. This is something he does very well, I have a very hard time expressing myself verbally when we are together. Kind of a lost in the heat of passion disconnect between my brain and my voice. My husband reads me very well and basically he facilitates my speech.

  4. t1klish says:

    I keep coming back here and almost commenting, then going away, then coming back.

    Ok. What I want to say is, this doesn’t work for me unless he wants me to say something true. If he wants me to say something untrue, for example, I am a dirty slut. No. Not only does it totally turn me off, but I won’t say it.

    As to the idea that making me say things will make me want them. No. Not only am I not suggestible, if it’s not something I want to do, it would turn me off, and make me angry.

    For example, if he ever pushed the current pop-culture propaganda agenda that all women are lesbians and even brought up the idea of wanting me to participate in homosexual acts, he would be out of my apartment so fast there would be a hole in my front door in the shape of his body.

    • Jake says:

      t1klish, I’m glad you shared your thought. Please don’t ever worry that you shouldn’t post a comment that doesn’t agree with something I say. I think about these things a lot, but my thoughts are based pretty much solely on my own experience and any reading I’ve done, and that’s a very limited source of data! Other viewpoints are very welcome, and I actually would like to get more of them because I think it’s fun to discuss other’s reactions to my theories (and theories is generally what they are), learn from their experiences, and identify where I might have gone wrong. So, your comment is much appreciated as always, and please feel free to disagree with me whenever you feel it is warranted.

      So, on to your comment. I concur that asking someone to say something that isn’t at all true isn’t very productive. When I require Joy to tell me something, it’s usually because I believe she at least partly DOES want it. The lesbian affair that you bring up is a real example, but the conversation that I paraphrased took place after months of preparation, and only because I knew that Joy did, in fact, have a yen to be made to submit by another woman. I knew this partly because she had told me about past events in her life, and partly because of her reaction to various role-playing ideas and scenarios we’d been through together. Joy simply wasn’t quite ready to face up to her desire yet, and by making her say the words, it helped her to realize what she wanted.

      This scenario wouldn’t work for you–it sounds like you have a hard limit against a same-sex experience. My example wasn’t the right one for you to digest. But consider a different scenario–is there something you’ve never done, that deep inside you think maybe you might like to try, but you’re afraid to talk about it…or even really think it? And what if your partner figured out what it was, and after the right mood was set and the correct level of excitement attained, required you to admit out loud that you wanted it? Would that be exciting? And would it perhaps help you to face your desire and possibly…just possibly…make it real?

      I know all this is mind games, by the way. Part of me can even step away from it and look back at myself and say, “Wow! That’s kinda creepy! All those mind games you play!”. But then I think some more, and I realize that mind games are the highest aspect of Dominance and submission. D/s without mind games boils down to brute physical compulsion, and that’s no fun for anyone. If Joy didn’t want me to Dominate her, I never would do so. But since she does want me to Dominate her, then to do it well, I have to leverage some level of mind games.

      Anyway, those are my thoughts. If all this didn’t come across well in my post, then the blame is mine for poor writing. If you have more thoughts on this, please respond back–as I said above, I’d love to hear them.

      Thanks!

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