I received an email question the other day and thought I’d turn the answer into a blog post. The question was about how I got started with BDSM. I wish I had a more entertaining story–something about being kidnapped and raised by bondage gypsies, then having to fight my way up to being the alpha member of the caravan would be good–but sadly, no such luck. No, the reality is that I learned mostly through reading, watching the occasional movie, thinking, and trial and error (sorry about the “error” part, Joy).

I am a self-taught Dominant–I’ve not had a mentor, or even an experienced partner who taught me the ropes. It was only after having come a fair ways down this path that I met anyone who was a member of the BDSM community. That’s been both a strength and a weakness for me over the years.

I had a rather sheltered upbringing, and when it came to romance and sex, I was something of a late bloomer. During my early years I was strictly vanilla. Oh, sure, I had my wild fantasies (who doesn’t?) and I knew from watching movies like “Nine and a Half Weeks” that I found the idea of bondage and power exchange exciting, but I never had the confidence to actually suggest trying any of this to my various girlfriends.

However, I was armed with three things that eventually led me down the path that I now follow. The first was a love of exploration and trying new things. I was never satisfied with the same old anything, even sex, and because of that, I had a series of brief relationships that each ended when I got bored with my girlfriend of the time.

Second, I had an active imagination that let me first dream up and then fantasize in detail about new things to do and try with a sex partner. Oh, I came up with some doozies, let me tell you! And my imagination was aided and abetted by reading all sorts of interesting novels from a whole variety of genres, plus watching late night B-movies, many of which involved women being held captive in scanty clothing. I guess that must have made an impression on my young mind!

And finally, my inhibition level around sex was set to “low”. I don’t know what about my upbringing made this true for me, but I’ve always kind of felt that whatever sexual kink someone has is okay, provided that everybody has a good time and nobody gets hurt. Because of this, I didn’t feel a lot of guilt about some of the things I dreamed about doing, even when I got around to putting those dreams into practice.

Eventually I realized that changing girlfriends wasn’t the answer to my desire for exploration. More than that, as I got older, I also got more self-confident, and so began to suggest new ideas to try with my sex partners. Anal play was an early idea, and I learned after several tries how to kindle my girlfriend’s interest in anal experimentation even if she had a higher inhibition bar than I did.

Brief adventures with bondage came next, including blindfolds and the use of silk ties to bind my partner’s hands. The bondage was light, but exciting nonetheless. Similar to my discovery about anal sex, I found that with trust and a slow and gentle approach, almost any girlfriend could be enticed into playing around a bit with being bound. It seemed that I wasn’t alone in the fantasies I had, but instead that they were nearly universal. I had one foray into the world of true power exchange before I met Joy, but I didn’t really understand what I was doing or why it seemed so exciting.

When I began dating Joy, and even after we were married, we remained fairly vanilla. I used a few of the techniques I’d discovered to investigate various different sexual directions, but unlike previous girlfriends, Joy seemed to have stronger moral barriers. I could tell she enjoyed the sexual variety I tried to introduce at first, but we’d always reach a point where her inhibitions would kick in, and she would refuse to let herself go further. In retrospect, the issue was one of trust–Joy does not trust easily, and to that point, despite the ring and marriage vows, she didn’t trust me enough to expose herself so fully.

Finally, however, sufficient trust built up and the dam burst. The breakthrough came in the area of anal sex. Though at one point she’d told me she could “never let me do that” to her, her desire to try it grew and grew (okay, I did my best to help it grow), and one afternoon she told me she wanted to give it a go. And we did, and she loved it. And she loved it again the next day.

From that point, we’ve made steady progress, slower in some areas, but more rapid in others. I realized along the way that Dominance and submission were the real catalysts for excitement in our various adventures, and read up on them. I introduced the idea to Joy, who has struggled with being simultaneously strongly attracted to and somewhat repelled by the concept ever since. Nonetheless, we continue to grow in our relationship, and things that once would have been unthinkable are now accepted and commonplace.

I discovered the online blogging community around BDSM and Dominance/submission, and after lurking for a long while, decided to start this blog. Reading the posts of my fellow bloggers has provided a huge amount of education, and even writing my own stuff teaches me things every day. BDSM is definitely a journey rather than a destination, and Joy and I have far to go.

So, there in a nutshell is my career in BDSM. Like I said, I wish it was more dramatic. It’s never a good thing to write a post solely around oneself, and I’ve just broken that cardinal rule. If it bored you to tears, feel free to let me know and I’ll try to make up a better story instead. Bondage gypsies, here I come!

Enjoy yourself,

Jake

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