Let’s cut right to the chase, shall we? When it comes to BDSM, we here at LCSB are very much about the sex. For Joy and I, no adventure is complete without someone reaching a climax somewhere. That someone could be Joy, it could be me, or more likely it will be both of us, but we’re not through until the orgasms have arrived.

That’s one of the best things about BDSM—the sex is outstanding. The high degree of arousal caused by Domination and submission, the length of time spent in foreplay (sure, sometimes it’s done using a riding crop or a pair of handcuffs, but it’s still foreplay, right?), the feeling of being “bad”, and the lengthy duration of a typical scene all combine to create a sexual experience that I believe surpasses any other. If you haven’t experimented in this particular area, I challenge you to give it a try and then come back and tell me with a straight face that I’m wrong. Bet you can’t!

But you know what? None of the initials in the BDSM acronym stand for “sex”. In fact, there’s a portion of the BDSM crowd for whom the “B” and the “D” and the “S” and the “M” are so important that they can outweigh the sexual aspect. While I cannot necessarily condone this viewpoint for myself, I can admire it from a distance. These folks are really the BDSM purists, the ones who can focus directly on BDSM itself and remove all other distractions, including sex acts.

I have never been to a bondage club or BDSM convention (Not that I’d mind—it might be fun. But to date, I’ve never had the chance, and I don’t know whether Joy’d be up for it or not.), but my understanding is that while scene-ing is common and expected, and it may include all sorts of bondage and/or corporal punishment, actual sex acts are frowned upon. And I’ve read blogs by submissives who talk about doing demos in front of an audience where they are bound in elaborate positions and/or treated to a variety of activities from the S&M repertoire, but sex itself is not part of the demonstration. Perhaps this is due to legal concerns, but that’s not particularly mentioned as the reason for the lack of sex. Rather, sex is considered bad form.

It might be fun to go and see a demonstration like this, but to actually participate in it, as either the Dominant or the submissive, seems like it would be very frustrating. It would be a kind of a tease, getting the participants all revved up but never actually delivering the goods. However, that’s my perspective, and I’ve already told you I’m all about the sex. Others seem to not feel this is a problem.

I’ve also seen plenty of information about Dominants who have loaned their submissive partners out to another, possibly more-experienced Dom for training. That training might involve bondage, humiliation, and flogging or other forms of pain play. Once more, however, sex appears to be rarely involved. Now, the information I’ve seen on this is on the internet, so who knows how much of it is fact, but assuming it’s at least mostly accurate, again I have a hard time understanding. Considering this solely from the perspective of the trainer and trainee (leaving out the Dominant that has made the loan), wouldn’t this be ultimately unsatisfying?

Certainly I understand that for a whole host of reasons one might want to draw a line that excludes sex from the menu, but you know…if I was that trainer, I’d have a hard time not wanting to cross that line. And I suspect that if I did a good job in the training, that the submissive I was working with would very probably feel the same way. It seems to me that there’s always something sexual about Dominance and submission, at least during any sort of BDSM scene, and it would be very hard to treat this sort of training as a sort of a “job”, a task that you do without serious personal involvement or erotic excitement. Because of this, training under these guidelines would be akin to masturbating all the way up to where you were about to come, but then stopping. That’s okay for awhile, but eventually it starts to hurt.

Maybe I’m simply not evolved or experienced enough to separate the base sex from the higher plane of pure BDSM. For me, they’re inextricably intertwined. Here’s the test I give myself, and I keep coming up with the same answer:

If I could have a relationship that was just about the Dominance and submission, with no sex involved, would I want it? Let’s further stipulate that I had other avenues for sexual release, and that there were no negative repercussions around the D/s relationship we’re discussing. Would I be interested in pursuing it at all?

The answer I reach is always the same…no. I frankly don’t see the point. Long term, I think the relationship would lose any BDSM flavor (after all, why go there when there’s no reward) and become one focused strictly on servitude. Perhaps that’s good for some, but it’s not what I’m after.

Again, however, it’s completely possible that this is just me and my own lack of understanding. Luckily for both of us, Joy seems to be right here in the same place I am, all wrapped up in the eroticism. So that’s where things stand at LCSB–we are all about the sex. And as long as we’re together on this, could anything be better?

Enjoy Yourself,

Jake

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