I often write about practical BDSM tips and techniques in this blog—see my posts on bondage positions, for instance. And I frequently write about my wife, Joy, as well. Today, however, I thought I’d share a bit of introspection with you and write about myself. Don’t know how interesting it will be…it’s never promising when someone says, “Let me tell you about myself!” But that’s what’s on the menu for tonight. Feel free to exit the restaurant if you want something different to eat.
Sometimes I speculate about why I get so much excitement from BDSM. I mean, I know it’s a power thing—that’s obvious—but what about the power makes it so exciting? I have had authority over people at work many times in the past, and the fact of having that power certainly didn’t generate any kind of sexual charge (in fact, many times it was more of a pain in the butt than anything else), even if they were attractive members of the opposite sex. What’s the deal that makes the power exchange in BDSM such a thrill? Is it simply a marriage between sex and power, or is it something more?
This morning I was thinking about this on my way to work (hmmm…perhaps not the perfect recipe for a productive day) and I had a bit of a revelation. Or at least I think it might be a revelation, though it requires more pondering. I thought I’d write about it, a process that simultaneously lets me do some of that necessary pondering and fills my need to add a post for today.
I was brought up seeing women on a pedestal. They were prim and pretty and polite, pillars of virtue to be admired with a pure and chaste love. Mysteriously, they also held a sexual component, being possessed of certain body parts that called to me with a dark and lascivious voice. As an adolescent, I had a hard time reconciling what I perceived as the “dirtiness” of sexuality and the purity of the iconic “woman”. But one thing I did know was that the thought of a pure, clean and lovely woman performing, and more importantly, desiring to perform, the earthy, lusty and obscene acts that I envisioned in my hormone-tormented teenage brain created great excitement.
That was (sadly) a long time ago, and I have learned many things since then, not the least of which is that women, like men, are people, with all the unclean, impure and non-chaste thoughts and desires that entails. Nonetheless, one never really shakes off the lessons one learned in youth, and I still retain vestiges of my original vision of woman as sweet, pure and good. And the idea that I can lure that goddess down off her pedestal, possess her mind and body, and lay bare not just her form but her naked lust to perform all sorts of wicked and forbidden acts remains highly erotic. I can make the goddess surrender to me and, in doing so, expose the animal desire to couple that she conceals so well. Even after all this time, this idea still fills me with excitement and desire.
I have long realized about myself that my own pleasure and excitement depends very highly on the excitement and pleasure of my partner. If Joy is not aroused, I do not become aroused. If Joy is not having fun, then any fun I feel evaporates. This proved true, by the way, with the women in my life pre-Joy as well. And now I suspect I have the answer as to why that is. I suspect it’s due to the very conquering-the-goddess fantasy I describe above.
It isn’t simply power that excites me, but instead the desire to conquer the goddess. I dream of making a woman I admire, respect and covet so aroused that her excitement overrides her inhibitions and tears aside her veil of prim propriety, so that she is eager to engage in dark and wicked practices for the pleasure that they provide her. The fantasy is one of corruption of purity by desire, and it has a great and terrible hold on me.
It is this fantasy that I conclude underlies my fascination with BDSM. All three components (a perception of purity, a high degree of arousal, and dark and forbidden practices) must be in place for it to be fulfilled completely. If one or more of these components is not present, then the fantasy loses some or all of its magic. That’s why my own excitement requires my partner to be excited, and why my desire fades if hers does. It’s also why I so dearly love to take Joy just beyond her comfort zone, because it is evidence that she has allowed the lust that I have created within her to carry her past her former limits.
BDSM is filled with dark and bawdy practices that “good girls” would never let themselves do, let alone enjoy, right? By virtue of the D/s dynamic, it offers great opportunity to drive arousal levels to otherwise unreachable highs. And as to the “perception of purity” requirement, Joy meets that in spades thanks to her sheltered upbringing, her high intelligence and her style of demure dress outside the bedroom. In short, my relationship with Joy fulfills all the requirements of this oh-so-powerful fantasy, and that, I believe, is a large part of why it gives me such pleasure and excitement.
The existence of this fantasy and the understanding that it resides beneath my desire to Dominate Joy was the revelation I had this morning. But now I wonder whether it is exclusive to me, or does the same fantasy underlie cravings for Dominance in others? And if one stands the fantasy on its head, does one find that it powers the desire to submit as well? And then there’s that other question…why does the fantasy hold so much power for me in the first place? As I said, this will require some pondering…