If you’ve followed along with this blog, you might remember that Joy and I have experimented, upon occasion, with a female friend, Beth. She’s joined us for a few different adventures, though it’s been almost a year since we last got together. However, during the scenes in which she’s played a role, I have noticed something that I’d like to talk about, and it has far more to do with Joy than it does with Beth.
I’d say that Joy is not particularly bi-sexual, as she pretty clearly prefers men in bed. However, she can appreciate female beauty, and in the right situation, she can get very turned on by the touch of another woman (as we’ll discuss further in a moment). It’s just that it’s not her natural proclivity, and in normal circustances she’d never consider getting naked and spending the afternoon under the covers with a female friend. In fact, as with many other things the world might perceive as kinky, Joy was raised to view same-sex relations as taboo.
However, here’s the interesting part. What really excites Joy, far more strongly than you might ever imagine, is to be Dominated, to be overpowered, to be conquered, and to be taken. The power of this experience is so great for her that it transcends almost all other factors, including the gender of the person who is overpowering her. The identity of the other person and the situation she is in both matter, because she needs to be able to trust that she is safe. However, assuming that the trust is present, Joy can derive extreme excitement from a female partner in just the same way that she does from me.
This first became apparent to me as the result of watching x-rated movie clips together online (this can be a fun way to learn about your partner’s “interests”…first I pick one and we watch it, then she picks one and we watch it, etc…). There’s a series of video clips from an outfit called “Ultimate Surrender”, in which female wrestlers grapple, tear off each other’s clothing, and then try to score points by pinning their opponent in a variety of compromising positions. At the end of the round, the winner gets to employ a strap on dildo and Dominate the loser in whatever way they choose, including penetration. These movies, with their contest of strength and the physical awarding of the loser’s body to the winner for their use and sexual gratification clearly engaged Joy’s fantasy. They made her downright hot. And in fact, it was these movies and the desire they created that enabled Joy to overcome her feeling of “taboo” and let me suggest introducing Beth to our playroom.
I still hadn’t fully understood the direction this dynamic flowed in and how much strength it had until Beth joined us for the first time. I had thought (and still believe) that Joy is stronger than Beth, and if it came down to a real battle, Joy would overpower her. Even though Beth had a fair bit of experience with BDSM, I pictured Joy dominating Beth, and had actually purchased a strap on dildo to enable her to do this.
My mental image couldn’t have been farther from the truth, however. I guess I’d kind of half-imagined some kind of wrestling re-enactment, but there was none of that. Instead, after a couple minutes of awkward, still-wearing-your-robe-over-lingerie-clad conversation, Beth apparently flipped her mental switch over to “what the hell!”, spun Joy around and pushed her face down over the bed, forcibly removed her robe, pinned her down and used the belt to tie her hands, and administered a thorough and quite energetic spanking. In the end, it was Beth that played the victor’s role, Beth that wore the strap on, and Beth that made Joy service her. And Joy gasped, squirmed, struggled and came, just as she might have with me.
We’ve gotten together in the playroom a total of four times, and though the activities we’ve done together vary, there’s definitely a pattern. Though we knew Beth as a relatively close acquaintance before this relationship started, and she and Joy can talk and laugh together if we meet socially, when we’re in the playroom, Joy is awkward and shy…right up until Beth takes control of her.
I believe two different dynamics are at work here. The first is that having Beth “make” her surrender helps Joy to free herself from the guilt of doing something she would ordinarily feel a certain stigma about—playing with another woman. She can’t help herself—Beth is making her do it—so there’s no need to feel guilty. However, the second dynamic is that of the power exchange itself. Beth overpowers her, just as the winning “Ultimate Surrender” wrestler overpowers the loser. To the victor go the spoils. In this case, the spoils are Joy herself, and the thought of that…the thought of having to give herself over to someone who has overcome her…is so powerfully attractive that it doesn’t matter whether the victor is male or female. It only matters that they have subjugated her.
I wonder if this is true beyond this particular coupling. Is the excitement of submitting inextricably bound up in the identity of the partner one submits to? Or is the fact of being made to submit enough, and (provided that one feels safe) it can supersede the identity of the Dominant? Usually I am full of ideas and theories, but this time I don’t have enough data to even be able to guess…