As some of you already know, Joy and I have been working on achieving a deeper level of submission over the past several weeks. As a first step towards accomplishing this, we’ve gone back to the basics of Dominance and submission, back to where things start, with the idea that we’ll work forward from here. Yes, we are covering ground that’s been covered before, but my hope is that repeating steps reinforces and strengthens them. And being who I am, I haven’t been able to resist adding a few new wrinkles and a bit of extra emphasis along the journey so far.

What does “back to the basics” mean? Well, the most basic premise of all in a consensual D/s relationship is the consent. However, I think that word doesn’t carry nearly the depth of meaning required to describe the agreement between Dominant and submissive. Consent creates the perception that the Dominant asked, and the submissive said okay. “May I Dominate you, dear?” “Oh, sure, why not?”

In reality, though, the formation of a new Dominant/submissive relationship is more about recognition of the wants and needs of the two partners than it is about any sort of agreement. In many cases, the submissive partner has expressed their need to submit in various subtle ways, usually unconsciously, for a long period of time within the relationship. The Dominant partner (and they may not have even been aware, to this point, that they are a Dominant) eventually recognizes that need, discovers a desire to take control, and acts to fulfill their desire. Consent is generally first given by the submissive partner acceding to various activities–bondage, a spanking or the like. At some point, usually early on, the submissive has their own epiphany, discovering within themselves their desire to surrender, their need to be overpowered. And then later, perhaps, more formal discussion about Dominance and submission occurs, and this generally leads to a working agreement between the two partners that acknowledges their wants, needs and limits. Some couples even document this agreement on paper.

So all that sounds easy, doesn’t it? First this happens, then that. Great, we’re done! But of course it’s not nearly that easy in reality.

Joy had her own epiphany around submission long ago. She knows it thrills her, and she knows she needs it–she gets cranky and out of sorts in a big hurry if control is not taken from her regularly. However, she has a very hard time admitting it, both to me, and more importantly, to herself. Joy is a strong, smart woman, and has had a successful career for years. Reconciling her self-image as strong, independent and successful with her desire to surrender has proven difficult for her.

Therefore, the first step I took in working towards deeper submission was to revisit our consent. We had a discussion about our relationship and the way it works, the limits we have in place and the expectations we both have for it. I pointed out that submission is easy when you are submitting to something you want to do anyway, but not nearly so easy when it’s something you’re intimidated by, afraid of or not eager to try. And I offered her a choice–she could choose to revoke her consent and return to a vanilla relationship, or she could choose to continue our D/s relationship. But if she chose the latter, I would expect her to do a better job of living up to my standards for submission. And I told her that she could let me know which way she wanted to go when she was ready, but until that point, we would live a vanilla life. And we did.

Now, any subs out there, don’t read this next paragraph–it’s secret Dominant stuff. Close your eyes and skip right over it and go on to the paragraph following. I don’t want to give away any secrets! 😉

I know my wife. She thrives on giving up control–nothing makes her hotter in the bedroom, and nothing makes her feel safer and more comforted outside the bedroom. I was very confident which way she would answer eventually. But the point of this exercise was to require her to admit to herself that she needs to submit, that she wasn’t happy unless she could give up power to her partner and be made to surrender. That’s why it was important for us to go vanilla for awhile–so that she could feel herself wanting to be taken and to be Dominated. My thought was that if she recognizes her desire within herself more fully, she won’t fight herself (and me) so hard on the occasions when control is truly wrested from her. At the same time, the offer I made was serious–if she decided to remain vanilla, that’s what we’d do. Even if she made that choice, however, I was confident it wouldn’t last. As I said, I know my wife.

Okay, it’s safe for submissives to rejoin us here. Whew! Glad nobody peeked!

It took a little over three weeks. I think Joy kept hoping I’d take the decision out of her hands, but I scrupulously adhered to vanilla-ness. And finally a week or so ago she came to me and told me that she wanted to continue to be Dominated. I made sure she actually said the words, “I want to submit to you”–no weasling out by saying things like “I want to go back the way we were before”. And I repeated the consequences of her decision and asked her if she understood what she was agreeing to. Nodding wasn’t good enough–I made certain she said, “Yes, I understand” and “Yes, I want that”.

So that was the first step. Hopefully it will prove to be an effective one! Since then, we’ve been working on exercises around control and helplessness, which I regard as the most basic physical manifestation of D/s. Perhaps those will be the subject of a future post.

Enjoy Yourself!

Jake

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