You know one of the really nice things you get from a BDSM scene?

Wait…if you’re reading this, then of course you do. You probably know (or can at least imagine) a lot of really nice benefits that a BDSM scene brings to the table. Excitement, new energy, and really hot sex all come to mind! But those aren’t what I’m going to talk about, so let me start over.

A BDSM scene provides many benefits, but one that often gets overlooked is the feeling of closeness that manifests between the partners afterwards. Overheated bodies lie close together. The scent of spent excitement drifts through the room. The warmth of your partner and the feeling of their bare skin pressing against yours ignites small sparks from the fading embers of recent, urgent desire. Eyes may be closed, but tired smiles play across faces, and a great feeling of satisfaction permeates the atmosphere.

When Joy and I complete a successful adventure together, we share a powerful feeling of love and affection. In fact, we usually share this same feeling even after less successful adventures. Now, you could argue that this “afterglow” is typical of any good sexual encounter, including plain old missionary style. However, that doesn’t match my experience. I think BDSM makes a difference, and I thought I’d put down a few words about why that is.

First, remembering back to my vanilla days, I can think of many instances where, once the sex was done, all I wanted was to leave and go home (or if that wasn’t an option, then to go to sleep). That’s a typical guy stereotype, right? They get what they want, and then they just want to be left alone. This same feeling was true, by the way, not just with women I didn’t know well, but also with long time girlfriends, women I’d had a serious and lasting relationship with. The quality of the sex seemed to make a difference—when it was good it definitely helped to create a feeling of closeness—but even then I can still think of many times after good sex when I was ready to be left alone immediately afterwards.

This feeling, however, doesn’t seem to happen with a BDSM scene. Instead, I feel what I described above with Joy—a sense of closeness and shared accomplishment. Part of the difference could be Joy herself—she’s very special, and our relationship is far stronger than any others I’ve had. But I think it’s more than that. In fact, I think that BDSM is part of why our relationship is as strong as it is, and that it provides several factors that add together to create this effect:

  1. A BDSM adventure involves powerful urges and emotions, and participants get extremely aroused and energized as the scene progresses. Think of the single best vanilla sex you ever had. BDSM sex can be that good not just once, but most of the time, and sometimes it can be even better. As I said above, good sex helps promote a sense of closeness.
  2. You and your partner really expose your inner selves during a BDSM scene. In vanilla sex, it’s easily possible to keep one’s inner thoughts, feelings and desires hidden. During a BDSM scene, that becomes much more difficult. BDSM is all about exploring secret desires and laying emotions bare. You’ll get to know your partner’s hidden self far better during a single BDSM session than you would during months of vanilla sexual encounters.
  3. Acting out a BDSM scene is a shared experience, in which both partners work together to achieve mutual success. While the same could be said of vanilla sex, the effort you expend and the variety of activities you do together are far greater with BDSM. BDSM makes you both try harder! In vanilla sex, it’s certainly possible for one partner to just lie there or not fully engage. (In fact, isn’t that the stereotype for sex in marriage?) In a BDSM adventure, the submissive partner better not try that, or the Dominant will make sure they start paying attention! And if the Dominant partner isn’t really trying, then there will be no adventure in the first place. When you work together to create something and you both have to expend real effort, you feel a real feeling of kinship and accomplishment when you achieve your goal.
  4. The biggest reason that BDSM engenders a feeling of closeness, however, is the level of trust it requires. During an adventure, the submissive partner trusts themselves to the Dominant partner, placing responsibility for their physical wellbeing in the Dominant’s hands. The Dominant takes that trust and uses it to create an experience that provides great physical, mental and emotional stimulus to the submissive, simultaneously deriving stimulus for themselves. For the scene (and very probably the whole relationship) to be successful, that trust may not be violated. When great trust is given and accepted, and responsibility is tested and found to be both strong and reliable, it cannot help but strengthen the bond between partners.
  5. The world of people who do not participate in the BDSM lifestyle tend to view it as extreme, sometimes violent, and certainly deviant. Virtually no one who does not engage in TTWD perceives it as a source of closeness, adding strength to relationships. And yet it does. For all the leather and steel, sparkings and submission, in the end, bondage equals bonding, and BDSM lends itself to love.

    Enjoy yourself,

    Jake

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