Here are a few questions I’ve received recently along with my answers. Feel free to post your questions in the comments section if you’d like, folks! That way other readers can benefit from them. But if you’d prefer not to do that, you can continue sending to me directly, and I’ll paraphrase them and provide answers as below.
Q. I want to talk with my spouse about experimenting with bondage and BDSM. But I don’t know how they’ll react! What should I do, and how should I ask them if they would be interested?
A. Because we practice consensual BDSM, it’s important to gain agreement from your partner that they want to participate. Every relationship, every Dominant, and every submissive is different. Therefore, there’s no one, right way to approach this. However, in general, I’d suggest the following:
Especially if you want to play the Dominant role, don’t ask your partner before you start. Instead, lead them to the first step. I’ve written before about how to introduce your partner to bondage, and this is the approach I advocate in that series. Begin by introducing a blindfold into your bedroom. A blindfold is not particularly threatening, yet “adventurous” enough to start you down the path you want to travel. More than that, the experience of being blindfolded can be very interesting, as removing your sense of sight can tend to magnify the input of your other senses.
I suggest that after warm up activities, you show your partner the blindfold and tell them you want to put it over their eyes. If they ask why, you should explain about the “magnifying other senses” concept and add that it will lend a little extra spice to the evening. My belief is that few spouses will object to this idea, but if yours does, then accept it gracefully, put the blindfold away, suggest that you try it another time, and go on with your standard evening of pleasure.
If they agree to try wearing the blindfold, however, do your very best to make sure they enjoy themselves while it’s on! Do all the things they like (and since this is your spouse, you already know the things they like, right?) and none of the things they don’t (bet you know those too!). Your goal is to ensure that your spouse associates being blindfolded with great fun. And if you succeed, you’ll have taken the first, small step down the road to BDSM. For more detail or next steps beyond that, see my series on Introducing bondage to Your Bedroom.
If, however, you long to be the submissive rather than the Dominant, I’d still recommend introducing a blindfold and placing it over your partner’s eyes. However, in this case, I’d suggest telling them that you want to take turns wearing it. To do things right, this may require that you place them in the blindfold one night, and they place you in the blindfold the next night. Once you’ve each had a turn, you can compare notes, and this should give you the opportunity to tell them you prefer to wear it yourself rather than place it on them. And from there the conversation could easily turn to other situations you’d like them to put you in…
Q. Where’s the best place to buy BDSM equipment? I don’t want to be embarrassed, and the store in the strip mall down the street barely has anything to look at anyway.
A. These days, the best place to buy BDSM supplies and equipment is definitely online. There’s a huge selection of merchandise, and it’s generally delivered to your house in a plain brown wrapper. However, be aware that there are definitely good and bad products and good and bad vendors out there. It’s no fun to get something new and have the on-off switch break the first time you use it, or to discover there’s a sharp edge where nothing sharp ought to be, or to have it break in two under only moderate pressure. Joy and I are slowly working our way through our (remarkably!) extensive collection of BDSM equipment and posting reviews on appropriate items, and you’re welcome to see our thoughts and recommendations. On the other hand, we can’t review everything, so if you just want to browse a vendor catalogue or two, you can take a look at the BDSM equipment vendors we’ve had the best success with.
Q. You say your wife is strong and intelligent, but how can she be if she lets you do this to her? You spank her, for Christ’s sake!
A. Joy is one of the smartest and strongest women I know, and there’s no inconsistency between those qualities and being the submissive partner in a BDSM relationship. In fact, I believe that part of what attracts Joy to submission is the opportunity it offers her to relinquish the control she must wield in her “vanilla” life, and I suspect many other strong women feel this way (as well as a fair share of strong men). Submission involves placing trust in your partner that they will keep you safe, and then making the choice to let them control where you go and what you do for the duration of a scene. It frees you from the worry and stress of having to do and say the right thing, make the right decision, or choose the right direction.
In addition, submission taps into primal, subconscious feelings and instincts to magnify sexual energy. Do you want a rush like skydiving, but with no need for plane or parachute and with an incredible orgasm at the end? Then give BDSM a try. If you’ve never tried it, you honestly don’t know how good sex can be.
In short, Joy’s strength and intelligence don’t conflict with her enjoying submission and BDSM. She makes a conscious decision to submit, and this allows her to take an inner vacation from stress and control. And she gets seriously exciting sex thrown in to boot. What more could you want?
That’s all the backlog of questions for now. As I said, if you have more, feel free to submit them. Enjoy Yourself!