BDSM lives with one foot in the realm of fantasy. It is based largely on dreams and imagination, and that’s a good thing, for BDSM with no fantasy component cannot be differentiated from true slavery and torture. The dream belongs to the Dominant. He or she decides the course of the dream, who and what will play a role, and how the narrative proceeds from beginning to end. The Dominant invites the submissive to participate and add to their dream, and by agreeing to do so, the submissive provides sufficient reality to make the dream tangible to both.

Reality, however, has a way of impinging on one’s fantasy life. I cannot tell you how many times adventures I have planned needed to be postponed or changed, or have simply not succeeded as well as hoped due to real life issues that have interrupted, stalled or otherwise impacted them. I’m certain that this happens to everyone else who lives within the boundaries of this lifestyle as well, though it doesn’t get talked about much as it doesn’t make for good reading. It tends to ruin the reader’s perception of the author’s perfect BDSM relationship when they hear how things went wrong.

However, reality can’t be avoided, so I thought maybe I’d pull aside the curtain and write a bit about how Joy and I deal with it when real life issues get in the way of bedroom play. Here are some Q&A examples of situations and lessons learned (usually the hard way)…

Q. What if Joy and I aren’t getting along very well at the time for which an adventure is scheduled?

A. In this case, the best course of action often depends on the depth and cause of the disagreement. If relations are merely strained, then it may be a good idea to go ahead with the adventure. Doing so can lead to smiles all around if it goes well, and the extra energy from the strained relations can add spice. (You know what they say about make up sex? Well, it’s very true for make up BDSM sex as well!) On the other hand, if negotiations have broken down entirely, it’s generally best to postpone and let time and (hopefully) future communication address the problem before trying to proceed.

Q. What if Joy isn’t enjoying the planned adventure, or even has to call a halt to activities via her safe word?

A. If things aren’t going well during a scene, it’s best to take a break and talk about what’s not working. Is your partner uncomfortable? Are they not in the right mood for BDSM right now? Is there something you’re doing that is causing pain (the bad kind, not the good kind)? Generally taking a break and talking through the issue will allow you to change course and go ahead with activities, though perhaps not with the activities you originally planned on. If the issue has been serious enough that the safe word was employed, it may be that stopping for the night is in order. This has rarely proven to be required for Joy and I (we both really like doing this kind of thing together), but the word “rarely” does not equal the word “never”.

Q. What if one or both of us is too tired?

A. The answer to this question depends on how tired we’re talking about. Sometimes it’s possible for one partner to “convince” the other partner that they aren’t that tired after all. The site of naked Joy buckling her collar around her neck or locking her own hands behind her back can definitely perk me up in most situations! And I can generally get Joy’s pulse to quicken and nipples to come erect if I try hard enough. However, if both of us are tired for one reason or another, postponement may be in order. Another option might be to skip the BDSM adventure for the night and simply make vanilla love, which generally takes less time and energy.

Q. What if you have company staying over?

A. Well, in this case it depends on who the company is. Sometimes company can be lots of fun! On the other hand, most company we have who visits us isn’t into our kind of night life. However, my own thought is always that we should go ahead and have our adventure anyway! We’re lucky enough to have a dedicated playroom that is far enough away from the guest bedroom that there shouldn’t be a problem. And the extra excitement that comes from giving Joy a firm paddling with someone else staying in the house is always welcome! Of course, Joy sometimes doesn’t agree with my opinion, but I do my best to convince her.

I have one last thought before I sign off for today. My experience is that it’s a good idea for me to take a break from BDSM scenes and enjoy more traditional sex with Joy once in awhile. Sometimes a little tenderness is required between partners, and in that case, BDSM isn’t really appropriate. Our own relationship seems to do best when we intersperse one “normal” evening in bed together between about every two BDSM adventures. Many potential real life issues can be avoided simply by following a similar practice, and it will keep the BDSM fun fresher for both of you.

Enjoy yourself!

Jake

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