This is the third and final post in a three-part series on “awakening the inner submissive”. It is targeted to would-be dominants who are not certain that their partners would be amenable to participating as the submissive half in a Dominant/submissive relationship. If you wish to start reading at the beginning, you can begin with part one.


In my last post, I talked about the process of exposing your partner to Dominant/submissive behaviors and activities through bondage, with the goal of allowing them to try out a submissive role to see whether they enjoy it. I also covered next steps beyond that initial bondage experience, to allow further and deeper immersion into D/s roles and gain more experience. And I mentioned that a discussion with your partner about dominance and submission would be required.

Actually, though, it will be more than a single discussion. I guess, in theory, it’s possible that you could have one, lengthy talk that covers everything to everyone’s satisfaction, but I don’t believe that ever really happens. Rather, expect a series of discussions, starting with an initial one to broach the topic early on in the process, and then followed by more to explain what a D/s relationship is and how each role behaves, determine what the boundaries of the D/s will be, etc. The discussions will very likely continue on through the entire course of your relationship, as obstacles are overcome, new wrinkles are discovered, interesting avenues are explored and parameters are refined. This is definitely how things have gone with Joy and I, and honestly how they are still going. We have progressed down the path slowly, and sometimes in fits and starts, but our progress further into dominance and submission is measurable and continues to increase as Joy becomes better able to surrender herself and I become better able to dominate her.

The outcome of all these discussions can vary from relationship to relationship. If you’ve reached this point, it’s doubtful in my mind that you will get a complete refusal to participate, but it’s certainly possible that your partner may wish to go no further than the games you’ve already been playing. If so, that’s okay…it’s very conceivable that they may change their mind over time, as you find new and delicious activities to do together that take advantage of the Dominant/submissive dynamic.

It’s also possible that you’ll encounter cautious willingness to explore the Dominant/submissive direction. In this case, your partner will likely feel and admit to an attraction to the idea, but be a little afraid of where it might lead. This is where Joy was initially and still remains, though we’ve ventured further down the road by now than she ever dreamed she’d be willing to go when we started. This is actually my favorite outcome, because it means that progress towards full D/s is possible, but must be fought for, inch by inch, sometimes gaining ground and sometimes losing it. While you might think this sounds frustrating (and it can be), it guarantees that you’ll take your time, savor each victory, and use every ounce of your mind and spirit to move forward. And the effort you expend will make each time your partner surrenders his/herself to you all that much sweeter.

The remaining potential outcome is for your partner to wholeheartedly endorse their submission. I’ve read that this actually happens, but it’s never happened to me, and frankly, I have my doubts. In any case, as I said in the last paragraph, I think it’s much more fun when you have to fight to master your partner. If others have experience with immediate surrender and wish to correct this opinion, please feel free to share in the comments.

Assuming that your partner has one of the latter two reactions, you might choose to codify your agreement with written rules. You also might choose not to do this—the option is yours. I confess to being somewhat conflicted on the subject of rules. To date, Joy and I have not taken this step. We do have some rules—some limits are known and defined, for instance, and we clearly understand the boundaries of Joy’s submission extend only to the bedroom door. However, these are not written, and moreover, they are pretty basic. It’s possible to get much more detailed and have lots of rules if you desire, and there’s a part of me that is attracted to that idea. Another part of me feels that they’re too much trouble, both to write and to consistently enforce (and not enforcing a rule is a bad idea), and that they are too static. So far this second part is winning.

If you find yourself attracted to having detailed rules (it’s even possible to put a signed “contract” in place between you and your partner), there are many lists of them published online. Even if you’re not a rules person, it’s worth taking a look at some of them just to get ideas and see what others have thought of before you.

What is the ultimate destination for you and your partner in all this? Well, that very much depends on what you two want. If you take the Dominant/submissive relationship bus together to its final stop, you likely become a Master and slave. If you hop off a few stops sooner than that, you might wind up as a Gorean couple. And if you exit at an intermediate stop, you might find yourself walking alongside Joy and I in the bedroom submissive neighborhood. There are other stops I don’t mention here—too many to cover in detail. But the point is, you can go as far as the two of you want to go.

Hopefully this series of posts has provided some ideas to help you investigate dominance and submission with your partner. If you decide to pursue some of the strategies I’ve laid out, then I wish you luck. Results aren’t guaranteed—much depends on how you enact them. Don’t expect everything to go right all the time—speaking from personal experience, you’ll make mistakes. If in doubt, however, remember the go slow, and take small steps rule—it won’t serve you wrong. And remember that just because you want to be the dominant doesn’t mean you don’t have to worry about what your partner wants or feels. Actually, it means you have to worry more about those things. Being dominant makes you responsible for your partner’s well-being…mentally, physically and emotionally. The submissive honors their partner by surrendering themselves. It is up to you, the dominant, to deserve that honor.

Enjoy Yourself!

Jake

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